Published on 12, July, 2020
I've had some depressions over the years... but it's a long time since I've felt like I do now.
I'm back to work tomorrow after 10 days' leave. I took the time because it was the first anniversary of mum's passing. I thought it would be good to relax, reflect, get some exercise, catch up on sleep, maybe do a little reading and writing.
Practically the only thing I've really done from that list is sleep. It's all I really want to do - curl up and drift off. So that I don't have to feel this gnawing anxiety. So I don't have think about the fact that I don't want to do anything else at all.
I like my job. But last week I also found out that my manager - a lovely person, and the best manager I've had in many years - has gone. I won't go into the details. It doesn't matter now. Suffice it to say that the situation is very unfair. But good people often get treated unfairly. So, now I dread going back. I have this horrible sense of foreboding - like things are going on behind the scenes and I have no control over them. And maybe I'll be next.
All of a sudden, I just feel completely alone and defenceless. I just want to sleep again to make it go away.
A drink would quell the horrible sick-feeling of anxiety. But that's no real fix, and I don't want to touch it.
But it's awful feeling like this. Just watching the clock, watching tomorrow getting closer... and just wanting to sleep.
I did. The mood is pretty sombre. I don't want to stay there any longer than I can help. This overwhelming sense of darkness won't lift. It shows itself in other ways, too. Aches and pains.
I put on my 'work' face for the service users, but even that feels exhausting.
Hi Tom. Did you get to work today?
Can you let us know how you got on?
Song
Tom, could it be a combination of your work routine changing combined with the first anniversary of your mom's passing that is making you feel like this? It's a lot to cope with, even for a so-called 'neuro-typical', so it's no wonder that you are being affected so much. However, I think it will pass eventually and all you can do it 'tough it out' and hope things improve, which they will in time. I wish there was a magic cure but there isn't and all you can do is look forward to better times, and there will be better times Tom. At least you still have wonderful and loving memories of her Tom and in that sense she will never die.
Yes... 'flight' has always been my preferred choice, right from the playground. I'm always too fearful of the consequences of fighting - and whenever I have (such as whistleblowing on abuse in a care home) - it's backfired on me in some way. Doing the right thing versus suffering the consequences has always caused me a lot of grief. Cognitive dissonance, I think they call it.
I've always been an active person. 35 years of running behind me. Now, it's cycling and swimming. But I've not even had the energy to do those. It's just been hard to get up in the morning.
Yes, I'll see how it is at work. I need to hold onto this job, really. It's not so many more years before I retire, and new jobs won't be so easy to get.
I'm not sure what to say, other than I have found that the anticipation is almost always worse than the actual thing.
Anxiety can cause all the symptoms you describe (I'm currently taking a stress management course and that's what they said), so don't worry, you're not going psychotic or anything. The best thing you can do, apparently, is face your fears. Another thing they say is watch what you drink, which means both caffiene and alcohol, so you're good there, unless you're binge drinking coffee or something. Also be more active is another mantra. You never know, it might work for you.
And if it really is very bad being back at work, you could always quit.
It really seems from your post that you are having a fight or flight response (something else from the stress management course). Last week you were all about the fight. Stay with that.
Thanks, Song. I slept again this afternoon (10 hours last night) and awoke feeling awful. I can't bring myself to concentrate on anything at all.
I'm seriously starting to wonder if there's an element of psychosis creeping in. I just dread going out. This feeling of impending doom is overwhelming. The anxiety is horrible.
It's like I thought I knew the people at work. And now it's as if I didn't know them at all. I'm not sure how I'm going to feel, being back amongst them tomorrow.
Hi Tom.
I just wanted to acknowledge your post so you know that I hear you. I have no words of wisdom for you as you know I'm no good at that. Know that we are here and support you. Well done for choosing not to touch the drink. Sleep if it will help. Song.