Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I won't bore you with tales from half a centuries worth of mostly disaster. My bet is, if were here, no real explanation is required.
I gained an inkling about 3 years ago that I might be on the spectrum. Everything I read about Asperger's, I was pretty much reading about myself and my own personality. I received the "official" diagnoses about 6 months ago. Relief, I'm not mad or bad, just different.
Now here is my problem (or is it one?). I really don't like being around people. For 30 odd years I've worked at the pointy end of IT support, at the level 'if I can't fix it, it can't be fixed'. Of course this means you are constantly in demand. Until recently I did not realise just how much stress and anxiety this was causing me. Pretending to be like everybody else, when I knew inside that I wasn't.
I did have a serious meltdown just over a year ago. Walked away from my career, have very limited contact with the few people I know and trust, no family that means anything to me, and for this last year I think I've made a hermit look extrovert. Thing is, I feel perfectly happy and at peace for probably the fist time in my life. I do feel vaguely guilty sometime, perhaps I should make more of an effort?
Anybodies/Everybody's thoughts and opinions would be very welcome, because I'm just lost
Hello fellow hermit!
About three years ago I did exactly the same and walked away from it all: the job, the committees, the clubs, everything. I too feel guilty, especially as it's been as long as three years now, because my partner is working full-time and I'm not used to the feeling of being a 'kept woman'. However, for the first two years it wasn't so much a matter of choice as of desperation. I didn't have my diagnosis back then and only knew that I was, well, broken (?). I only got my diagnosis in January so it's arrived slap bang in the middle of my re-building myself year and I see the diagnosis as being integral to that process.
As to your question "perhaps I should make more of an effort?", hmmm. To feel more happy with yourself / your life? To feel more at peace? You said yourself, you've nailed those! I'm at pretty much the same place these days (most days, anyway) and I've given myself a target of the end of the year to decide upon and implement whatever comes next. I'm not 100% sure yet exactly what that will BE but I am 100% sure of what it won't be! It won't be anything that came before, it's time for a clean slate, a fresh start, doing what I am genuinely comfortable doing and won't involve trying to make myself 'conform' to something I'm not.
What do you want to do? What do you want to make more of an effort with?