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"Putting on my best normal" - how to shed the mask and do it anyway...

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https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5509825/

Masks / Camouflage / Performance art etc,  call it what you will but after many years of "fitting in" - as a partner, mother, employee, daughter, sister, sibling, citizen it is possible to successfully drop the mask completely and does everyone mask to a certain extent. But, what happens when it becomes detrimental and shift has got to happen in order to save yourself?

"..... two key motivations for camouflaging; assimilation and connection. This suggests that camouflaging behaviours come from multiple sources. They may be internally driven by the individual to accomplish specific goals such as friendships, but they may also be produced as a response to external demands placed on how a person should behave in society. The differential influence of each of these motivations varies between individuals, but our findings suggest that people are strongly motivated by wanting to avoid discrimination and negative responses from others."

Do you even remember or know who your true self is or has ever been?

But think of the risks? Feeling more exposed, vulnerable, being feeling duped - "so you just "played a role" all of these years. What if they don't like the true you? The saying goes "you can bend a twig but not a branch...after so many years is it feasible to re-set self and start again?

And there, lies the rub, did you mask due to self preservation or just due to a fear of rejection and being outcast from society?

So question: Is it possible to drop the mask? Is that too extreme, or is it just better to find small pockets in life to "be" (you know, when everyone has gone to bed and no one is watching)? Why did we learn to mask in the first place?

Parents

  • I masked in order to try to fit in (it's rarely worked). I often find myself suffering because I'm constantly hiding the feeling of overwhelm when I'm around other people, or even just outside my home. It becomes exhausting and I now leave the house probably once a week, no more. I've been told by more than one counsellor that they couldn't work out who the real me was. Even in therapy I couldn't unmask and now I'm not sure if I ever do. I don't know who the real me is or how I would find her. I think society puts such pressures on us to appear normal - and for girls and women this is especially true - that we stand little chance of avoiding having to mask ourselves. I would hope that therapists with experience of treating autistic clients would be able to help with this.

    I'd be interested to hear your thoughts and experiences. Maybe some of the things you've learned about masking could help me or others.

Reply

  • I masked in order to try to fit in (it's rarely worked). I often find myself suffering because I'm constantly hiding the feeling of overwhelm when I'm around other people, or even just outside my home. It becomes exhausting and I now leave the house probably once a week, no more. I've been told by more than one counsellor that they couldn't work out who the real me was. Even in therapy I couldn't unmask and now I'm not sure if I ever do. I don't know who the real me is or how I would find her. I think society puts such pressures on us to appear normal - and for girls and women this is especially true - that we stand little chance of avoiding having to mask ourselves. I would hope that therapists with experience of treating autistic clients would be able to help with this.

    I'd be interested to hear your thoughts and experiences. Maybe some of the things you've learned about masking could help me or others.

Children
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