Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm in an office with a man who has mental problems. He can be very kind and very funny, but he hates being told what to do. He's started clicking his pen which drives me insane. I hate being like this but I can't stop it upsetting me. I've told him it's annoying, but he carries on. On Friday I was particularly sensitive as it had been such a stressful week and I was frazzled. I asked what that noise was, as I didn't want to say directly that it was annoying me as that annoys him. He said that it was him. I did say that's annoying. He KNOWS it annoys me! He didn't stop. Then he got up to get something off the printer and while he was waiting for the print he had his pen with him, which isn't usual, and carried on clicking.
Also, he sometimes puts music on his phone, even though he knows I hate it. It's down low but there's that awful scratchy sound that makes my head tighten up. He wears earphones to play his music so I don't know why he does this.
I've had a lot of support at work, to help me with my disability, so I'm worried people think it's all about me. It's not. I just find the world so overwhelming and being with this man, and the job being intense, and my manager micro-managing, I'm on tenterhooks all the time.
I'm mean, jeez, I'm 55 years old and I feel like a 5 -year-old!
But am I being paranoid that my colleague is deliberately winding me up, being disrespectful and resentful?
Alexandra
Hi Alexandra,
I understand where you're coming from. I find this kind of thing irritating, too - even though I do it myself. I tap my fingers, or I'll drum something on the desk top. It's a kind of stimming thing with me. When people draw my attention to it, though, I generally stop. The earphones buzzing, though - and people talking on phones - really gets to me.
When you say he has 'mental problems' - can you elaborate? Is he diagnosed with a condition, as you are?
It's not an easy situation to resolve, and I've been in similar with deliberate bullying by someone. When I told them about it, it became worse - even though I spoke to them politely and rationally. In the end, I had to take it further and report them. If he doesn't respond to your requests, there's little else you can do. If they've been supportive of you in the past, they should be receptive to your complaint.
In my case, I was eventually moved to another office. The person involved was resentful, though, and didn't miss an opportunity to make snide remarks to me if we passed in a corridor, etc. Not nice. In the end, I left the job. Hopefully, it won't come to that for you.
It seems that you've done all you can in speaking to him. It sounds like he's being unreasonable.
Thanks Martian Tom. I know he's hyperactive but undiagnosed. He's also a bit of a depressive and gets rages at home where he blames himself for everything. He's also been suicidal. I care deeply for everyone so I don't want to hurt him. But at the same time disrespect is something that tortures me. I've been toying with the idea of moving to an office on my own but that opens a can of worms:
1. My work is paying for noise-cancelling headphones (but I don't want to wear them all day!)
2. It separates me from the team which is physiologically bad.
3. My colleague, who's a superior, won't be available to talk to so easily, and I sometimes need his advice, often asking him to come over to my PC.
Oh, I see, it is moving to a different office, to work by yourself that will add additional stress for you. Sorry, I misunderstood completely, which is not uncommon for me to do. So if having a separate office is out of the question and working with this guy is also a problem, is there an office you can share with others but not him? Maybe it’s me (it often is) but it all sounds a bit jumbled. I’m not quite clear on what you’re after, where the overwhelm is coming from or what you would like to achieve in terms of a great time when you’re at work. It’s not clear if you want to be around others or not or maybe some but not others and the ones you do want to be around are the ones you can have control over to make sure they don’t do anything to cause a meltdown for you. It all sounds very confusing and overwhelming just listening to it, trying to make sense of it. And what are you going to do about the boss and the world? It sounds like a lot to deal with, the guy, the boss and the world. Maybe it’s easier to focus on what you want and need so the world isn’t overwhelming.