Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello I am nearly 43. I have 6 children from 2 marriages. 3 probably 4 of my children are ASD one very severely so and he's non verbal and speaks via an IPad. Also 3/4 of my children have ADHD as well. I got diagnosed with ADHD last year but scored very highly in ASD questionnaires. Doc was thrown by me because I can make eye contact. Didn't tell him that actually I was looking at the bridge of his nose which is what I've always done.
I also talk incessantly to the point that I bore people so I 'appear' social. I kind of do realise after a bit that I have 'captured' someone and they are looking at the clock so I'm not totally devoid of social understanding and signs!
I'm just really interested to meet some late diagnosed men and women to ask you questions and hear about how you have coped your whole life. I've just spent my whole life knowing I was different and odd despite looking regular. I keep social interactions short so that people can't tell because I can't keep up an act for very long though I can do it and I go into "role" mode.
As I've got older I care less about being liked and so I am more 'me' than not me. All of my friends are a bit odd as well. Prior to even thinking I was ASD I described myself like 'Marmite' some people absolutely love it and can't get enough and others really don't like it and can't understand why anyone else does either :(
I am far too 'honest' for most people but some do appreciate it but most do not:O
I find it very difficult to be fake or two faced and if I'm your friend then I am totally your friend otherwise I'm indifferent.
I find lying directly very difficult but can 'not offer' the truth. I can't hide the way I feel, almost impossible. I have a vocabulary which far exceeds my education and I kind of collect words. I also collect song lyrics and I have a special skill or being able to just roll off an entire song that I've not heard for twenty years at the drop of a hat if something triggers the memory banks. IQ in the top 5% but not a GCSE to my name. I've got an odd sense of humour.
Also big sensory issues. I don't like certain smells, the feel of some fabrics, lights and I can't stand busy places with lots of people.
I often don't get why things upset people. Terrible with give and take of conversations which is even worse on the phone and often embarrassing.
I kind of live life like playing a game of chess and started playing chess at about age 5.
I really don't like people beating around the bush and I can't stand small talk or pointless talk. When I text I don't do the whole, Hi, how are you, yes fine, how are you - no, no, no! If you get a message from me I will just say what I want to ask you. Then I might ask you how you are afterwards when i realise that I should have done that first because now you will think I'm impolite.
I do really care about people and love my children to bits.
I have suffered with anxiety a fair bit which is usually provoked by sensory issues.
Hate change, love routine and don't like routine being messed with. Also plans don't like plans being changed suddenly.
I couldn't change any of the above even if I wanted to.
I am not diagnosed yet but does any of this sound familiar?
Have taken loads of tests and answered them honestly and I usually get high scores. I don't have any developmental delay.
Thanks in advance.
Savannah
Hi Savannah
Such intellectual impatience is fine. I used to work for an investment bank...phoning Milan.. the instant the receiver of the phone was lifted., “pronto”
just cannot do all that pointless talk, really can't. It's painful and why do people do it. Why do people ask needlessly how you are if they don't actually really want to know? Or care lol Sometimes I throw them just for fun and actually tell them exactly how I feel in the hope that they will never do it again :O that is what I mean about 'odd sense of humour' . . . Why must we be insincere to be social? I often think there is nothing wrong with me but everything wrong with other people but clearly that isn't the case.
Also spent so many years just not liking myself very much. I look at people who seem to be liked by everyone and I admire it but I realise I just could not dilute myself like that so that people liked me but clearly to some it just comes so naturally and to me it doesn't. I don't do anything too terrible just to be clear.
At school I used to take in 300 page novels to read at playtime when I was about 8 years old while all the other kids played hopscotch or whatever. I remember headteacher saying Jackie Collins is not appropriate reading material for an 8 year old :O eek :-/ lol
loooooool no me neither! If they did it that way to me they'd likely receive the sharper end of my tongue! lol
No, they, unlike me, seem to have the ability to understand without any 'sanctimonious' 'superior' behaviour and it's authentic. That is a special skill which I do have some respect for! I notice authenticity in people and I'm drawn to it.
Actually I study how they do that because it fascinates me. I study it so that maybe I could try to copy it. It's clever on quite a deep kind of way.
Any kind of 'observing me' like a 'case' or 'study case' would be noticed immediately and promptly and swifty corrected by me I am quite sure of it! he he ;)
I've probably worded it badly, probably because I don't fully understand that ability.
So...a black sheep, covered in Marmite........
YOU are being YOU...we don't quite fit..so easier to shun than to try and understand....but I don't know if I want an NT placating me and fawning over the reasons I am "not like THEM" ... like a freak show attraction...
Like you a diagnosis will give me a licence to be who I am without all the guilt! Somewhere inside I just feel that I'm not a very nice person because I can't do all this 'social stuff'. I think I have internalised this self belief from the reactions from others. Also things that people have said to me which make me logically work out that perhaps I'm just not a very nice person and that is painful to me. I obviously do have feelings otherwise I wouldn't care would I? I mean don't people who do awful things just not care? I do care and I don't want to hurt people so I try to avoid them where I can so as not to hurt them and I remove myself where I think that I could end up saying something just too honest for them to take - that is, on the whole.
Sometimes I cannot get away and so I am left with no alternative and afterwards I regret it if I have hurt someone and I wish to God I could do it differently. I get no pleasure from upsetting anyone and I am then wracked with guilt and shame. Unless they are just obviously an '***' :O Can you say that word on here :O God I hope I don't get in trouble, looking for another word and can't think of one.
As a result I have come to accept that I am like Marmite and like Marmite, I am simply not going to be liked or enjoyed by everyone and so I am just grateful for the people who do seem to have the intelligence/capacity to see deeper in me. There are not that many and usually they are fairly intelligent people who also think objectively and more broadly if they are NTs. Also I'm not really cruel, like I won't insult someone for personal features like say they are 'fat' or 'ugly' or something equally nasty but I will not layer on the fluff generally.
I also don't think I'm above anyone. I too, do daft things and say silly things and make mistakes. The difference with me is that I will promptly own them and apologise and won't dig myself a deeper hole, trying to justify. I'll totally admit that what I've done is daft and apologise. That way I don't have 'ego' and I'm humble. I suspect that I can look egotistical but it isn't that, it really isn't. I'm so misunderstood :O (she whines) lol
I don't like whining either !! That too is a waste of precious time and so non productive! One of the things I say to my husband is "get out of the pity pot" and it drives him to distraction :O eek!
Xanadu said:I do care about people. I care very much about human suffering, poverty and injustice but I don't care about nonsense and I don't want a pretend friendship because someone 'wants something' that is not really friendship.
Yes...the social contract of interactions....a climbing of the mountain....survival of the ...what? ...the most cunning, courageous, kindest....?
I get on well with kids..I like their honesty....its grown ups that kindof freak me out!
Yes!! I realised all of these 'friendships' are actually just a give and take of pleasantries but what belies them is that something is wanted from me! Now that may not be physical like money but it might be more 'help' or some other use of my time which is dressed up in a lot of prior fluffing. Like you I'd rather people cut to the chase!
Even I am guilty of it! For example I'd quite like to be friends with you guys because you make me feel 'part of' and 'not different' and 'not alone' so that is my motivation for wanting that friendship because it makes me feel included and also because everything you say appeals to my 'different sense of humour' and it's very refreshing and liberating.
However other people usually want some kind of 'help' or time from me. My husband is an excellent builder and I've had people try to befriend me because they want favours or cheap/free work carried out 'because' they have become my friend.
I guess friendships are an exchange that are usually previously dressed up with fluffing and not always sincere. I once had a friend who just wanted to be friends with me so that she could drone on about the problems with her boyfriend for hours on end. She never took my logical advice she just wanted to drone on pointlessly. I took it for so long (quite a long time actually) and then I had to tell her and unfortunately that was the end of that friendship because I no longer offered what she wanted and that theme continues through my life . . . Being me, that 'telling' was far too honest and it no doubt hurt her feelings but I don't know how to fluff or buffer.
Strangely, I can fluff with children because they are children?? Does that makes sense. I can see that logically they need fluffing because their minds are immature and not developed and need some fluffing to understand and to motivate them. So oddly, it's not a problem with my children. Perhaps it's because I also love them? I am therefore motivated differently. I do worry that outsiders might think that I am the same with my children when I am simply not. Though I also don't beat around the bush with the older ones and have frank discussions because lying to them is not helpful or good parenting to my mind - but I do buffer the truth for them.
I guess in the honest sense then friendships or relationships are an exchange. Both parties must be receiving something from it or it won't be happy. Maybe it's my autism but I feel that no one is friends for just no reason at all. They will be getting something from that arrangement and it will only last so long as they do :( God, is that brutal? Well this is how I think and I wouldn't say that to anyone other than my husband and you guys here :O My worry is that this just makes me a horrible cow and not Autistic at all. "I'm a horrible cow" has been a worry I've had all of my life and objectively I don't think I am. I am good hearted to people especially people where I can see that they do genuinely need and deserve help from a logical perspective. I will also help people who are honest about their problems. Then I have got all the time in the world to help them.
I do care about people. I care very much about human suffering, poverty and injustice but I don't care about nonsense and I don't want a pretend friendship because someone 'wants something' that is not really friendship. I care about my children who are also Autistic and ADHD and I, I hope am able to explain their differences so that they don't feel 'different' and 'alone'.
I'm just impatient and I think that is partly down to a late self-diagnosis in that I don't want to keep wasting my time with people and that people tend to want me to do something...so I rather they just cut the niceties and cut to the chase!
I can appear rude, I guess, in the I ask direct questions and I want the certainty of a direct yes/no answer... I don't do gossip...I hate it...and if people are gossiping about others...then they are surely also gossiping about me.
Yes, we are all black sheep....odd puzzle pieces that don't fit into someone else's puzzle.
Side note: it occurred to me that perhaps small talk is as painful to me as is my forthrightness and inability to dilly dally or talk fluff to them, that seems to cause the regulars a similar level discomfort I wonder why?
loooooool the small talk is Painful!! We have only so much time on this planet and why do they choose to waste time in this way!
Also to me it’s a talking for talkings sake! A sign that you likely have zero in common and really should quickly end the interaction
Im not going to apologise as I would to a NT person for saying you don’t seem to be regular because actually as you know it’s a massive compliment that they wouldn’t get but you would!
Yes small talk is still better than gossip. I don’t gossip for two reasons 1) I’ve probably already told the person what I feel 2) gossipers are usually dishonest and in turn would gossip about you just the same.
Gossip also requires that the next time you see the person that you be fake around them and I’m not able to do it. I can either be quiet and say nothing or I will say what I think !!
in these circumstance I have to get away quite quickly!!
i have on occasion said something about someone but usually with an objective point of view and I make a mental note to tell them next time I see them if I haven’t already
i love hearing you describe yourself because I think it’s the first time in a long time that I haven’t felt alone. This is so important.
i suspect I’ve been a black sheep and have just found a herd of black sheep!
Though I don’t like the undertones of the whole black sheep analogy because it implies white is good and black is not Do you over think ??
I'm laughing reading your final sentence because I'm taking it as the most honest and true compliment I've ever had! No, I am not "completely regular" :-) I think perhaps that's why I'm so comfortable with my HFA diagnosis, because it's akin to being given a licence to be my 'irregular' self!
The NT compliments I've had in the past have, by contrast, completely missed the point:
"You're such a good listener." - No, I'm not. I zoned out about an hour ago and have been planning my escape from this uncomfortable situation ever since.
"You're not afraid to be yourself" - You have no idea!! I have NEVER 'been myself' around you.
"I like your honesty" - Really? Then why did you cringe?
I think you get the picture, many of these and others like them are probably as familiar to you as they are to me. I don't 'dislike' NT's, I just don't understand them. I find many of my interactions with them to be vacuous and superficial and it's just exhausting trying to effect an interest in most of the small-talk they seem to want to engage in. Such as:
"Oh, did you go anywhere nice on your recent holiday?" - No, I deliberately chose the most awful place I could find (!!!).
"is that (food / drink) nice?" - Surely the fact that I'm still eating / drinking it demonstrates my opinion?
"It's snowing again." - Seriously? I'm standing right next to you with my eyes open, don't you think I've seen the exact same weather as you?
At least small-talk is preferable to gossip though.
Love your reply! I think I’ve been too vague about friends and maybe implied that I seek out the company of these people or have regular random get togethers No I do not!!
calling then friends in the true meaning of the term is probably dishonest but unintentionally so. I think it makes me feel more normal to use this word. I actually don’t like people or very few people because the whole thing is tiring.
i am a terrible friend and I don’t make contact unless there is a point to it. When I call them friends I mean that they don’t recoil from me and seem to like me and probably would help me if I was in trouble but Contact is very limited. I guess my husband really is my only friend but that’s by default of him being around me every day!
The chess analogy just means that I live my life “making a move” then trying to work out all the other possible moves that could be made in response!!
My children have only been diagnosed because they were born prematurely and have other disabilities, significant ones xx
i think I would get on with you from what you’ve said! The people that do like me tend not to be completely regular themselves
The bits that I think, "that's not me"?
Well, the friends for one. I know plenty of people but I'd call them acquaintances or neighbours more than friends. I have moved around the country a lot over the years and I've never kept in touch with the people I leave behind. For the most part it just didn't occur to me and the whole "Call me!" thing? I took that to be just another of those things people say but don't actually mean because I have no idea why I would call them!? I LIKE a lot of the people I know, I just don't know why I would seek out their company randomly. I see them around and at community events and enjoy their company / conversation at the time but it would be very weird for me to just turn up at their door. (I don't like people invading my home either.)
Our children too. I have three but as far as I'm aware none of them has ASD - although I have only recently been diagnosed HFA myself and have started to question whether two of my children might possibly be the same.
The chess analogy I don't quite get simply because I've never played chess.
TV, I do watch. Mainly news or current affairs and quite a lot of Documentaries. I enjoy some Dramas too if they happen to be on but I don't like things that require me to remember when 'Part 2' is on - I'm not interested enough to follow these things up. I like programmes about Science too. Just like you, I couldn't watch soaps or any of those mind-numbing swills of stupidity that pass as 'reality' shows or programmes.
Lastly, I've been diagnosed but I don't think that this is a major 'difference' as many of the people on here are self-diagnosed through identifying so much with everything they've read in their own research into Asperger's.
Everything else you've written here, from your reading trajectory at school to how you describe your interactions with other people sounds exactly as I would have written it myself! That's what I like about this forum, finding people who seem to see the world as I do (finally!).
No me neither. I am much better with older children as well. Just out of interest what are the bits that you think "no that's not me" . . . would be really interested to know thank you.
About 90% of how you describe yourself sounds very familiar! Including the fact that much as I love my children and thoroughly enjoy their company (at all ages) I could never be the 'Earth Mother' type and devote my entire existence to them - especially when they were very small and still at the nappy stages.
I have only had my official diagnosis of HFA about a month but it makes complete sense to me and, as such, I'm quite comfortable with it whilst still interested in finding out more about it.
Lol... mental would be cooking nappies and changing dinner
I do have six children but I couldn't just change nappies and cook the dinner and be happy because I would go mental lol
ha ha - wonder if that is an ASD thing? What about TV? Do you watch TV? I can't stand it for the most part and I never watch anything like soap operas or anything like that. I used to like politics until I noticed it was all just cyclical and then it started to bore me. I don't watch the news because it's not objective or factual. I like nature programs. I also breed cats at quite a high level because it's scientific and I take it to the level of DNA testing for mating matches. I didn't think I had any special interests when they asked me but maybe that it is actually a special interest now I think about it :O
I’ve been coping without the manual for this long... all I need is an Allen key and the factory reset... take that as literally as you like! :p
Rtfm...no...
I find it very time consuming and wasteful like you say. Also do people read instructions? i don't read instructions only pick them up when I get to a point that i can't actually work it out for myself or realise not doing so would be time costly.
At school I read all the books, a -z, got to the end...the advice start from the beginning again.....grrr