Women with Aspergers

Hello I am nearly 43.  I have 6 children from 2 marriages.  3 probably 4 of my children are ASD one very severely so and he's non verbal and speaks via an IPad.  Also 3/4 of my children have ADHD as well.  I got diagnosed with ADHD last year but scored very highly in ASD questionnaires.  Doc was thrown by me because I can make eye contact.  Didn't tell him that actually I was looking at the bridge of his nose which is what I've always done.

I also talk incessantly to the point that I bore people so I 'appear' social.  I kind of do realise after a bit that I have 'captured' someone and they are looking at the clock so I'm not totally devoid of social understanding and signs!

I'm just really interested to meet some late diagnosed men and women to ask you questions and hear about how you have coped your whole life.  I've just spent my whole life knowing I was different and odd despite looking regular.  I keep social interactions short so that people can't tell because I can't keep up an act for very long though I can do it and I go into "role" mode.

As I've got older I care less about being liked and so I am more 'me' than not me.  All of my friends are a bit odd as well.  Prior to even thinking I was ASD I described myself like 'Marmite' some people absolutely love it and can't get enough and others really don't like it and can't understand why anyone else does either :( 

I am far too 'honest' for most people but some do appreciate it but most do not:O

I find it very difficult to be fake or two faced and if I'm your friend then I am totally your friend otherwise I'm indifferent.

I find lying directly very difficult but can 'not offer' the truth.  I can't hide the way I feel, almost impossible.  I have a vocabulary which far exceeds my education and I kind of collect words.  I also collect song lyrics and I have a special skill or being able to just roll off an entire song that I've not heard for twenty years at the drop of a hat if something triggers the memory banks.  IQ in the top 5% but not a GCSE to my name. I've got an odd sense of humour.

Also big sensory issues.  I don't like certain smells, the feel of some fabrics, lights and I can't stand busy places with lots of people.

I often don't get why things upset people.  Terrible with give and take of conversations which is even worse on the phone and often embarrassing.  

I kind of live life like playing a game of chess and started playing chess at about age 5.

I really don't like people beating around the bush and I can't stand small talk or pointless talk.  When I text I don't do the whole, Hi, how are you, yes fine, how are you - no, no, no!  If you get a message from me I will just say what I want to ask you.  Then I might ask you how you are afterwards when i realise that I should have done that first because now you will think I'm impolite.

I do really care about people and love my children to bits.

I have suffered with anxiety a fair bit which is usually provoked by sensory issues.

Hate change, love routine and don't like routine being messed with.  Also plans don't like plans being changed suddenly.

I couldn't change any of the above even if I wanted to.

I am not diagnosed yet but does any of this sound familiar?

Have taken loads of tests and answered them honestly and I usually get high scores.  I don't have any developmental delay.

Thanks in advance.

Savannah

Parents Reply Children
  • There’s a fair chance the AI programmers were ASD.... lol.... they’re  clever sods! 

  • I was thinking about it in that sense but as I've got premature babies I sat for many months watching my babies in an incubator trying to replicate the job of the human womb not very well.  I think the doctor said 5 days in an incubator was worth 24 hours in the womb something like that.  The womb is by far more sophisticated and the incubator is clumsy in comparison.  Lots of examples of it. The human mind and body is so very very complex.   I don't even think we've probably scratched the surface with our understanding of either.

  • You know, I was thinking about that recently with regards to AI. All attempts at AI eventually come up against that barrier - the logical processes that govern it cannot quite master all of the subtleties of everyday human interactions such as sarcasm and idioms. 

    Apparently 'Care Bots' can be taught, by logical processes, to show compassion and express sympathy but because of their failure to actually empathise (de-code and actually FEEL the other person's emotion accurately) they can sometimes appear cold or as if they're deliberately being rude or uncaring.

    Although many of these 'robots' can execute small-talk, apparently they can 'fail' on occasion to carry it off smoothly because of their occasional literal answers to rhetorical questions.

    Sound familiar to anyone?

    I wonder if any AI researchers have tried to link their work to that of scientists studying ASD?     

  • My youngest is four and his little brain buzzes so fast that sometimes he can't get his words out.  Chip off the old block.  He is just going through an ASD assessment at the moment but he is sharp as a razor and I love his little mind.  I want to bottle it and keep it forever so that the world doesn't condition or dampen it because it's so beautiful to watch it process, question and enquire.  Up until recently the moment he woke up at 6am he would tell me "I love you mum, you are so beautiful" like every single day lol He's grown out of it now clearly but it was so lovely.  He tells me all of his little thoughts and feelings and I try so hard to help him make sense of it all.  I do love children, babies not quite so interesting but they have to start somewhere ;) he he x  I have been singing 'little donkey' to him every night for at least two years :O 

  • We should actually start a "Why can't I ...?" thread containing all the ridiculous requests from small humans and how Aspie parents have dealt with them ..

  • it's shame really that computers are not advanced enough to understand context, I mean as forward as we think technology is, it really isn't at all is it . . . and the human mind is by far more complex.  When attempts are made at replicating some of the things that the human mind/body is capable of with technology these are really quite awkward, backwards and clumsy still.

  • "Why can't I go out to play in a nappy and a pair of wellies?", "Actually, small enquirer, why not indeed?"

    ha ha ha and why not!!! that really made me laugh!  I didn't like babies much and I hated being pregnant which is odd given that I have six children really isn't it.  I blame the ADHD for that.  I am of the 'hyperactive' and 'impulsive' ilk, enough said Open mouth  Babies are absolutely boring. All day 'putting it in and taking it out' with a serious dose of sleep deprivation thrown in.  After I had my first, after three weeks I was like "what have i done" :O "way out of my depth here".  Lucky for me I had married an older man and I kind of delegated some of the work Open mouth since he'd been through it before and 'knew it all' ha ha ha ;)

    No, the way I view friendships is absolutely the way they actually are.  It's just that NT's dress everything up in fuzz and fluff and are often very much deluded.  I know people that would be horrified if I suggested their friendships where 'beneficial mutual exchanges' loooool downright offended I'm sure.

    I've got so many views on things like the above.

    It is like cutting through the fuzz and fluff isn't it being around regular people.  There is so much pointless speak, pomp and ceremony.  So much insincerity and self delusion and I said somewhere earlier, I wouldn't want to be 'cured' of whatever 'this' is.  You when you drink alcohol people talk about beer goggles well I think this ASD is bit like having the neurotypical goggles removed.  Mostly you see everything for exactly what it is without the fuzz or the fluff.  Obviously there are downsides, but now I think of it are there really?  It is the 'regulars' who make me feel like what I am is not ok.  I'm actually Ok with it.  God this is liberating!!

    I've got so many questions and the more people share the more questions I have.  I shall have to try and contain myself.  I usually wouldn't bang on like this.  I'd get the info I need and then I'd probably buzz off but this is all a bit of a revelation so it's set off my thinking . . . 

    As for husbands, my husband is not fuzzy or fluffy.  He is as intelligent as me but in slightly different ways so he's very handy, his brain gives mine another edge and vice versa lol  He doesn't really find anything that I do odd.  I suspect he's on the spectrum as well.  You just couldn't be with me for ten years and not have something slightly wrong with you :O A regular everyday man simply wouldn't last that distance and I would be bored of such a creature years ago.  I do still like my husband and he's challenging intellectually and he doesn't impose himself on me or suffocate me.  He is happy to go off on his own doing whatever without being a nuisance or a drag.  We have solid debates and discussions and this is what I'm more attracted to more than anything else in a man.  We are bored of arguments, though there were many in the beginning, lots of those little bonkers pointless kind of power struggles that people do.  We are both bored now of it and have been for many years.  I suspect he's not going anywhere and nor am I.  I think I have hurt him with some of my truthfulness and equally he's hurt me with some of his but these days we laugh about it a bit more when it happens.  There is someone for everyone they say :O 

  • (Even before I can exit the page, I see two replies from "Talented Mute...?! I did not mean to change the subject, and so I am leaving this Thread now.)

  • Thank you and always welcome your contribution...

    life can be an =***! X

  • (To Endymion. I Post this, assuming that you are still "new", here. I am not completely following this Thread, sorry, yet I spotted your own last Post. There is a thing, here, which is called an "Automatic Censor", which causes certain words to show up as *** or similar. If you wish to continue, try doing as you did, there, or leaving SPACES inbetween letters, like this: 

    "***" = B i t c h, "***" = Q u e e r, "Tit" = T i t, *** = B a s t a r d...

    In common vernacular, some of these words are used as terms of "abuse" and so that is why they are "automatically" censored, regardless of context.)

  • I get the why stage....living it now! Hehe x why can’t I...? Do x ... etc

  • Really NAS? The name of a female dog is unacceptable? Is this an adult chat forum or a childcare facility?

  • Don't worry about it, I think all of us on here are 'guilty' of over-thinking (I know I certainly am!!) and I say we should Own It - after all, what's the alternative? To superficially skim over everything as NT's appear to? No thanks! 

    I don't think it's "brutal" at all to see friendships as a mutually beneficial exchange, I honestly believe that, at their most basic level, every relationship is! (With the possible exception of the relationship we have with our children but even then I'm not convinced because we DO get enjoyment, pride, love and many other things from them in exchange for all that we give in return. Hmmm, I wonder if that's why I was never a fan of the under-10-month-old stages   :O     SHOCK, HORROR!!! A parent who admits to not particularly liking babies.)

    My children have survived and are well and truly loved so I don't feel the need to apologise for seeing them as little time-and-energy leaches for their first few months on the planet. After the gunge-in-gunge-out cycle ended I absolutely LOVED getting to know them as little people and, to me at least, the toddler years were a never ending reward for putting up with them at their blob stage.

    Spaghetti on the head and sliding down the face? Hell, why not! I loved the ridiculousness of the toddler years! I also think, as an un-diagnosed Aspie, I really got into the "Why?" stage. "Why can't I go out to play in a nappy and a pair of wellies?", "Actually, small enquirer, why not indeed?" (Yeah, i may have embellished the words a bit but you get my meaning.) I truly believe my children taught me at least as much as I ever taught them and definitely helped me to loosen up a LOT over the years. (You CANNOT keep up a facade / mask with your toddler with you!!!)

    I've even discussed the whole thing about relationships being, basically, mutually beneficial exchanges with my partner (who isn't ASD) and he doesn't appear to think it's cold. Obviously he knows I care about him too but I don't think "I'm a horrible cow." or "I'm a ***" because I'm able to be honest about it. If others think that, that's their problem. Anyway, I read somewhere that ALL strong women are labelled 'bitches' by inadequate men and jealous women so I think I'm fine with that label too  :-)  and I can certainly identify with the Meredith Brooks song '***', especially the line "and I do not feel ashamed!". 

    As for gossip, I agree with everything you both said about that but have to add that I'd be terrible at it even if I did want to join in because I have a very poor memory! (especially with things that don't interest me) 

         

  • Yes you are right talented.  It is a reaction, it's not my default to not be nice, truthful is my default, but intentionally unpleasant or unkind no!  I agree I want connection but I also don't.  Too much connection or if that feels all a bit intrusive and overwhelming can be too much for me.  I like texts, emails and talking on the internet.  I can think about my interactions a bit better and check them.  I've found it so helpful conversing with you, just never had anyone who actually understood, I know I keep saying it but it's strange and liberating at the same time.  Also sometimes I can't correct my own thinking ie thinking that "I'm not nice" because this is the reflection I've got (not from everyone I hasten to add) but I don't know about you but I don't think about the good things people say very much - but man oh man I will focus on and keeping thinking about the bad things!! 

  • I just don't like the thought of being 'not very nice' that's the only bit that pains me or I struggle with.  I do wonder if that is 'put on' women more than men because we are supposed to be 'nice''.

    The "not being nice bit" - is that just a reflect reaction when you feel threatened or uncomfortable.  A self preservation need to "push others away"...and "not being nice" - by whose judgement....

    I always find that there is a conflict to draw people close (i.e. to feel connected and understood) plus a need to self-preserve and push away.... 

  • Oddly maybe.  I've got absolutely no desire to see or experience the world as NT's do.  I don't feel as though my vision or perspective is lacking, rather that actually often theirs is!  Actually I am quite happy and don't want to be like them, truth be told.  I absolutely wouldn't like to be 'cured'.  I just don't like the thought of being 'not very nice' that's the only bit that pains me or I struggle with.  I do wonder if that is 'put on' women more than men because we are supposed to be 'nice''. That aside left to my own devices I'm as happy as a pig in mud :D he he x

  • Understanding is ultimately somewhat limited to experience.