Accommodating NTs

Hello All:

I hope those with partners or spouses in this forum can offer some suggestions. I'm the long time NT spouse of an ASD hubby, mother to a teen daughter on the spectrum as well as a teen daughter with profound, complex developmental & medical needs. I was a special needs teacher specializing in dual diagnosis teens & adults for well over 20 years, supporting the family as hubby has always been under-self-employed, until ill health took me out & isolated me at home. Daughter is higher functioning than hubby. On another thread, I posted something like this, below & I wonder if there are those on the spectrum here &/or their NT partners who could offer suggestions?

"I'm an NT spouse & mother - the only NT in the house & this explanation of preferring no behaviour change or to "fit in" is often given to me by my ASD spouse & young adult daughter. It's become a very old & destructive perspective in the household, requiring me to live entirely in an ASD world with zero accommodation or attempts at perspective change to benefit my needs as an NT person. I understand the unique gifts my spouse & daughter have accrued & developed in light of their autism, but not the 100% refusal to adapt anything for another's (& ultimately their own) benefit. I must constantly adapt & change to accommodate their needs & those of others. If you were asked to change & adapt for the benefit of another, would you attempt to do so? What would convince you to attempt such changes; what words from an NT would convince you to change your perspective &/or behaviours in select situations? In our home, the ASD diagnosis is not used by those diagnosed as a tool to help themselves, rather as a weapon & I'd like to find ways to encourage voluntary change. Suggestions?" Any help out there? Thanks.

Parents
  • Hello All:

    I imagine you've likely heard enough of me in this forum by now but I had to post to express my profound thanks to you collectively. I've read & re-read all of your posts & replies to my question greedily, because I want so much to "know". Your generosity in helping me is astounding. Thank you in no way properly expresses my gratitude to each of you. It is particularly exceptional to me because as an NT I have not before met such a kind, sincerely "teaching" reception having asked for help in such a forum. Thank you.

    Too, having learned in a short time, a great deal from what you've offered, I owe the community an apology for my clumsily worded question that began this thread. I thought that after decades of teaching children & adults on the spectrum, parenting my daughter w/ASD & especially my 25 yr marriage to a spouse on the spectrum, I understood so much. Perhaps I know methodology & what has seemed to "work", but there was much I did not understand. Re-reading my question, I wince at my assumption that my family members always have the behaviour choices I do, based on a logical progression of "facts" if nothing else. Today, I could not ask about "100% refusal to adapt" or trying to convince an individual to "attempt change" on my behalf. The unseen grit those in this forum display simply existing w/the pain & self-denial of trying to adapt, fit in & avoid unintentional injury to others hit me like an avalanche. I apologize for assuming in my question that I was being offended against when it is now clear that this is not the case. I am sorry.

    Your words gave me the ability to ask my spouse some very brief & precise questions that he was able to answer. He was surprised I could ask them. We were both surprised he had & could express the answers. Such questions & answers in any relationship, particularly one so long, address multiple layers & in this case, instantly unraveled many, many painful events. This is an intimate forum in which the members offer help on the most private of issues. If it were not, I could not describe the single question that made the most difference. It was, "When you did x, when you failed to do x, did you know the consequences then & unable to act, watch in horror as things unfolded, taking on more pain because you knew it was going to happen?" We went over & over this question applied to many significant events & he was more than willing to do so. The answer was often, "Yes, I knew what would happen, could not make myself intervene & until this moment did not know how to say so." To me, it meant that his behaviours that have often caused major catastrophe, were rooted in neither callousness or emotional ignorance as i had concluded. 25 yrs of "understanding" that my gentle spouse either had no love for me or his children or was too emotionally impaired to love anyone, vanished. Just gone. He smiled at me this morning, his 62nd birthday & touched my arm. He hasn't touched me in any way in nearly 8 years. In our home, that was the equivalent of a rollicking celebration. He too has had a few chains removed.

    A long way to go & it's not a fix. For me though, it answered the most important question that for 25 yrs i thought i had the answer to. I didn't. He does love us. 

    Thank you all. 

Reply
  • Hello All:

    I imagine you've likely heard enough of me in this forum by now but I had to post to express my profound thanks to you collectively. I've read & re-read all of your posts & replies to my question greedily, because I want so much to "know". Your generosity in helping me is astounding. Thank you in no way properly expresses my gratitude to each of you. It is particularly exceptional to me because as an NT I have not before met such a kind, sincerely "teaching" reception having asked for help in such a forum. Thank you.

    Too, having learned in a short time, a great deal from what you've offered, I owe the community an apology for my clumsily worded question that began this thread. I thought that after decades of teaching children & adults on the spectrum, parenting my daughter w/ASD & especially my 25 yr marriage to a spouse on the spectrum, I understood so much. Perhaps I know methodology & what has seemed to "work", but there was much I did not understand. Re-reading my question, I wince at my assumption that my family members always have the behaviour choices I do, based on a logical progression of "facts" if nothing else. Today, I could not ask about "100% refusal to adapt" or trying to convince an individual to "attempt change" on my behalf. The unseen grit those in this forum display simply existing w/the pain & self-denial of trying to adapt, fit in & avoid unintentional injury to others hit me like an avalanche. I apologize for assuming in my question that I was being offended against when it is now clear that this is not the case. I am sorry.

    Your words gave me the ability to ask my spouse some very brief & precise questions that he was able to answer. He was surprised I could ask them. We were both surprised he had & could express the answers. Such questions & answers in any relationship, particularly one so long, address multiple layers & in this case, instantly unraveled many, many painful events. This is an intimate forum in which the members offer help on the most private of issues. If it were not, I could not describe the single question that made the most difference. It was, "When you did x, when you failed to do x, did you know the consequences then & unable to act, watch in horror as things unfolded, taking on more pain because you knew it was going to happen?" We went over & over this question applied to many significant events & he was more than willing to do so. The answer was often, "Yes, I knew what would happen, could not make myself intervene & until this moment did not know how to say so." To me, it meant that his behaviours that have often caused major catastrophe, were rooted in neither callousness or emotional ignorance as i had concluded. 25 yrs of "understanding" that my gentle spouse either had no love for me or his children or was too emotionally impaired to love anyone, vanished. Just gone. He smiled at me this morning, his 62nd birthday & touched my arm. He hasn't touched me in any way in nearly 8 years. In our home, that was the equivalent of a rollicking celebration. He too has had a few chains removed.

    A long way to go & it's not a fix. For me though, it answered the most important question that for 25 yrs i thought i had the answer to. I didn't. He does love us. 

    Thank you all. 

Children
  • Wonderful to read this, TenaciousT.  Your tenacity has paid off!  There is, of course, some reciprocity here.  What you say in your second to last paragraph... I learn so much from this.  Your husband is so fortunate to have such an understanding partner - and someone who is prepared to try to understand.  I wish such had been the case with me - though with my ex-wife, I cannot blame or condemn.  The poor woman had no idea what was going on, much less did I.  She thought I had ceased to love her, which wasn't the case.  But then, why couldn't I say I loved her?  Why did I feel so uncomfortable in the relationship?  And why, in the end, did I even find it difficult to touch her - or even to show her any affection at all, suffering as she was?  Towards the end, I would often find her in tears.  It broke my heart to see her this way - yet I felt powerless to respond.  And I couldn't explain to her why I was behaving the way I was.  I simply didn't understand it, either.  It gave me such a lot of grief.  The same as it gave her.  If only I had the opportunity to speak to her now, now that a dozen years have passed since we parted, and explain things with the perspective I now have.  

    Whichever writer it was who said 'I write to find out what I know' had it right.  In saying what I've said, and in your responses, I have begun to understand myself better.  Thank you for giving me that opportunity.

    A happy birthday to your husband.  And many happy years ahead to both of you Slight smile

    Tom xx

  • Oh WoW TenaciousT, what a wonderful comment to read. I’m so pleased for you and your husband. And seriously, you need never make an apology. You are a rare gem indeed, and I think I can safely say that we all recognised that in you from the start, that is why we were so eager to offer anything we could that would help both you and your husband. You are definitely a shinning light of love and compassion with an open mind and heart. I’m so very pleased that it has released some of the chains that were keeping your husband locked in and it has enabled you to see the love your husband has for you and your children. This is heart warming and encouraging. 

    Thank you for being you and I think you were the only one who has thought any of your wording was a bit off, we were so blinded by your beautiful bright, kind and loving light that we heard only your sincere plea for help. Much much love to you and all of your family. X

  • My apologies for deleting my reply before, I was concerned I might have offended you in my approach and I wasn't comfortable sharing some of the things in public. 

  • Thank you for allowing me to tell you who I think I am. This has been a very steep and hard learning curve, it has given me much to think about, thank you for the cuff round my face, I needed that more than any offer of caring or love, it was given in such a manner that I did not reject it from fear or over thinking, I actually smiled, so something to think about there, a fine line to tread, to much love, to little, 

    Please visit if you feel able, you have helped so many including me, your questions caused me to dig deep and try to understand myself, BlueRay answered so much for me, but without your question this would not have happened, 

    I am filled with hope for you all, his smile and touch was by far the most loving thing freely given, you suddenly connected, 

    Thank you again, this has helped me tremendously.

     My ambition is to spread the word about injustice for all who are on the autistic  Spectrum. Oh yes my mention of aspie man? When I started my research he was denigrated by so many, I have since learnt this is so wrong, he is not understood, I am proud to be an aspie man,

    I found only NT judgements who had no clue as to the complex ways of him.

    and please accept my freely given hug for you all () ()()() X xxx.