Published on 12, July, 2020
I just can't. I wish she wasn't autistic, she is 9 and was diagnosed a couple of months ago. I read some of the posts on here in tears because all you parents are so wonderful...I must be a terrible mother if I can't love her, but she is no good at being a daughter.
I have 3 other children who are all beautiful and neurotypical and don't cause me any trouble, and I look at them with such pride, yet I can't look at my autistic daughter with pride at all. I try and do my best for her but it wears me down, I spend most of my life in tears over her behaviour and I just don't know what to do. Children are meant to bring you joy and she does not bring me joy.
This is ruining my life, my husband wants me to see a doctor and discuss going onto antidepressants or to seek counselling, but neither of those things can change my daughter.
Please tell me I'm not alone in this feeling.
Hi CantBelieveIAmHere,
I too think you are very brave to admit you are feeling this way and, just as others have replied, it is a very different world trying to raise an ND child; a world which it sounds as if you are currently resisting and resenting being a part of, which I think can be very understandable too.
I don't know how familiar you are with Autism as you have only recently received your daughters diagnosis. So I just wanted to first offer that I really can appreciate how, if your daughter is ND, you will likely already have had nine years of difficulty trying to build a good relationship with her based on 'usual' NT parenting methods and expectations which, her being ND, most probably have not worked.
In this respect I think that when your child is ND you really do have to reassess all of your own NT assumptions and reframe them in light of as much information about autism as you can possibly find. And when you do educate yourself about autism, it may then become much easier to understand your daughters behaviours or responses to you and for you both to build a great relationship accordingly.
Educating yourself about autism in this way really is absolutely vital (for your daughter but also) for your own wellbeing as a parent too because, for example, if your child is not hugging you (or giving you kisses or affection or reassurance, or doesn't want to spend time with you or whatever the problem may be etc..) but you believe they COULD be doing those things but they are choosing not to; then that behaviour can typically feel like their total rejection of you. Such as when you said your daughter is 'no good at being a daughter...' I can't help but wonder if you really meant that, sadly, due to your daughters autism, she is 'no good' at being a NT daughter...?
So, if a ND child can't hug you due to sensitivity issues, or is not responding to you in the usual appropriate or expected ways due to communication difficulties that their Autism directly causes, if you do educate yourself and fully understand autism in this way, then you are much better able to recognise that this behaviour is not a rejection of you at all, it is merely a different way of being, for you both to find a way around. Educating yourself about Autism could help your daughter be a great ND daughter instead.
However, if you really do feel that you know and understand everything there is to know about autism and your daughter, and still feel unable to have a good relationship with her: I really do think you should seek counselling. (Preferably not CBT but some decent relational based therapy, such as person centred or psychodynamic therapy.) Counselling won’t change the fact that your daughter is Autistic it’s true, but it can help you unpack the difficult emotions you may be carrying right now about your relationship with her and her diagnosis; conflicting feelings which, I suspect, may currently be standing firmly in the way of you having a good relationship with her.
Sometimes in life our dreams just don’t come true. And we all may well chose to spend some time kicking and screaming, fighting, resisting and denying this painful truth. But, when all is said and done, all we can ever really do (in the face of such deep hearted disappointment, such great sorrow and loss,) is to change our dreams.
Best of luck.
Please seek help.
Grief and sadness are totally normal reactions to a diagnosis...but remember your daughter did not choose to be autistic. She's not a failure at being a daughter, she's just a different flavour of daughter.
I find SD20 far easier to parent than SD16. Fortunately their Dad is the opposite.
Because we are both aware of our bias we make effort to connect with the other child. SD16 and I discuss the interface between clinical reality and her fantasy characters. So she's got these changeling children in the latest iteration of her world and we were speculating what would happen if they received conventional healthcare. I introduced her to the Greek view of balancing the humours and she suddenly linked a medication to a fast change in the humours...it was the same delightful quicksilver thinking her Dad has and I felt a real surge of love. She's still hard to parent, but I could see who she could be if not neglected by her mother
It's very brave of you to admit that. And you know sometimes we all feel that way as ASD children are much harder to raise then NT children.
Dont get me wrong please I don't know you or your family but it sounds from your post like you are trying to have a perfect family, perfect no trouble life and it simply doesn't work like this.
I really agree with your husband you need to seek professional help for your self for depression AND educate your self about Autism to understand your daughter better and learn how to HELP her.
Many ASD children with right strategies can lead perfectly happy and full life but it's not going to happen all by itself. YOU need to make it easier for her and yourself or it's only going to get harder as she goes into teenage years.
Seriously I'm very sorry to be this harsh but go get help for your and her sake!
If you don't know where to start ask here or there are many wonderful Facebook groups for ASD one I would recommend most is "Autism Friendly UK" join it if you are not a member yet. There's plenty advice and support for everyone.
If you need more one to one advice there are many organisations you can talk to just don't leave it. It will not sort itself out without your help.
Hope you feel better soon.
Parent to Parent Service0808 800 4106
Free from landlines and most mobiles: 3, O2, EE, T-mobile, Virgin and Vodafone
Would you like to receive confidential emotional support from another parent?
Parent to Parent (P2P) is a UK-wide confidential telephone service providing emotional support to parents and carers of children or adults on the autism spectrum.
This might help?