Published on 12, July, 2020
For me, loneliness varies widely.
I can be totally alone at home all day. Not speaking to anyone. Yet not feel lonely.
At other times I'm surrounded by people, all communicating, but I feel completely alone and very very lonely.
School was a loneliness nightmare. Children all around me. But I was totally alone year after year
Yesterday I felt almost ok. Heard a sad song on the radio and suddenly the loneliness hit me.
I identify, Robert. I often feel more alone at work, surrounded by people who are ignoring me, than I do at home on my own. School was the same, too.
It's funny, too, how small things can catch me out. After my divorce, I got on with my life quite well. Although I still felt love for my ex-wife, whom I no longer had any contact with, I felt more settled as a single person. One day about 6 months later, thinking of nothing in particular, I was driving with Classic FM on. Suddenly, a piece of music came on that we'd had played at our wedding: Faure's 'Cantique de Jean Racine.' On impulse, I switched it off. Then I had to pull over. I was in bits.
13 years later - last Saturday, in fact - I was going through YouTube, as I often do, looking for nice music to play. I happened upon Annie Lennox's 'No More I Love Yous'. This was a song I'd played a lot in the year after my divorce - usually when I'd had a few drinks - and would invariably end up in tears. Now, in the light of no longer having my mum, it takes on an extra poignancy. I played it... and was soon in tears. It occurred to me that there really is no one left on earth to say 'I love you' to me - or even just to think it.
That's a sad thought! I lost my dad a few months ago and it does bring up some unsettling realisations.