Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone!
The last few weeks have been abysmal! My mental health is down the toilet and I'm struggling. I'm 36yrs old and don't even know if I belong here, I haven't been assessed or had a diagnosis, but I have always known that I never fit in anywhere.
I do/feel the following....
- I don't go to the toilet straight away, often forgetting till bursting point.
- I can go hours without eating or drinking, I don't feel the urge to.
- I can't bare touching certain things and can't stand the thought of physical contact.
- I have 3 people in my life that I talk to, all I have known for the majority of my life.
- I make lists and I love routine. Plans need to be rigid and I won't do anything before that time.
- I suffer with depression,anxiety, stress and fibromyalgia.
- I pick at my skin when I get stressed.
- I cry when I feel overwhelmed and it often ends in anger.
- when I'm at my lowest, I can go days without talking to anyone.
- I can sleep for England and have days where I barely sleep due to nightmares.
- Music I listen to loudly, in a car or on headphones. Classical music instantly increases my anger, to the point of ripping a radio to pieces to stop it.
- I often have explosive angry meltdowns.
- i sprnd days overthinking things that have happened.
- Ive spent most of my life confused by people in general, I just can't understand them and now only believe that 95% of people are villains and are up to something.
- I hyperfocus on hobbies and then bounce from hobby to hobby.
This is just a few things I go through, I'm not sure I fall into the autism field, I've been studying for months and I've never fit in anywhere.
I've worked at my current job for 5months and I've spent the last 3weeks having meltdowns and going into silent shutdowns. I really hate my job, mainly because of one person who I feel is quite aggressive and doesn't in mental health. I'm currently on week two of being off sick and the thought of going back makes me sick and fills me with dread, so I've put a claim I'm with UC and I'm waiting to get my pip claim form.
I'm currently working with a therapist and told them of my desire to be assessed, which hopefully will happen. I spoke briefly to my GP about it and I'm booked in on the next available appointment in 3 weeks time!
I don't know if I belong here, but I'm struggling and sometimes it feels like I can't breathe!
I hope someone can help shed light on how I feel and live daily!
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I have ever struggled with autism because of the family violence. It was a mental violence. I could not make new friends or chat with friends anymore. I always want to stay alone. I even felt that hiding in a small closet or sitting under the table all day made me calm and safe. However, I found ways to treat myself. I try painting pictures, playing games like [link removed, potential spam] and singing and dancing every day. These activities helped me more positive and energetic. I gradually left the cage that I created and started to make new friends. However, until now, painful memories have still obsessed me every night. It is difficult for me to forget them.
There's a good chance you have autism, a lot of what you said sounds like autism like the forgetting to drink. A lot of us have that problem.
Definitely worth mentioning to your GP.
And don't worry about joining without a diagnosis. The forum is for everyone.
Great to read it. Thanks for your sharing
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Yes, on here everyone is welcome- I joined when it was first raised that I could be autistic a year ago- initially I was very unsure and confused- It made so much sense that I was autistic but I also struggled a lot with impostor syndrome and I worried initially that I shouldn't be on these forums as maybe I wasn't autistic. But I felt very welcome here and everyone is welcome. I was actually diagnosed a few months ago. I can relate to several of the traits on your list. I think taking the test scores to the GP is a good idea :) I hope the appointment goes well. Regarding your job, it sounds like it might be burning you out- I hope you can get some rest while you are off work- be kind to yourself. It really helped me to find out that I am autistic- it is helping me to learn more about myself and I think that will help tackle some of my issues (like anxiety- I can relate to feeling like you can't breathe... ). Good luck with the appointment and I hope to see you around more on this forum!
I relate a lot to your points, especially the music thing - a certain type of jazz makes me feel so uncomfortable and I guess angry? Also the forgetting to eat and drink is definitely relatable.
You're very welcome. Your plan sounds great and well thought out. I'm glad each day is getting better. Good Luck!
Hiya Catlover!
Thank you for your reply! I have just done the AQ50 online and scored 36 and did the RAADS test too scoring 140. Both of which I will share with my GP, when I see them next. Thank you again for your message ️
Hiya Kitty!
Thank you for your reply too! I am honestly burnt out,both mentally and physically! The more I research, the more it seems to "click"
I'm hoping to take some time off work, to recharge my batteries and hopefully get somewhere with an assessment and working with my therapist.
It's all very scary too, at this moment I can't help but worry, but day by day it's getting better!
Thank you both!
Hi. I only recently found out about my autism. I related to nearly all of your list of issues. So I'd say you fit in here well. You describe each one so well that your list will be helpful to get you diagnosed and supported when you get formally assessed. You sound very self-aware in a good way, even though people with autism can obsess over things. I do that.
Also, it sounds like work is very damaging to your mental health. I experienced that and it still feels like I have PTSD from the distress I felt even years later. I'm glad you're going for PIP, they do include "mental health issues" which stop people from being able to function or deal with people on a daily basis. Autism can disrupt and damage daily living skills, as can physical problems like fibromyalgia which causes pain all over and fatigue. I have fibromyalgia too, and other rheumatology problems plus depression and anxiety.
I'm not an expert and I only recently learned I'm autistic so my "advice" is just my experience. I try to learn more about autism (this forum helps), not over-analyse every single thought or action, accept and understand my autistic thoughts and behaviours, make sure I have (completely) quiet time when I need it, and just get through the day as best I can to keep myself well mentally and physically.
I hope something I said in this long comment helps you. Take care.
It sounds like you may be Autistic. Have you filled out the AQ50 online? If you do, perhaps you could share the results with your GP when you have that appointment.
I wouldn’t worry about not having a diagnosis here. I used the forum when I suspected my daughter was autistic and then years later when I was self diagnosed. I felt welcome. Lots of us have been there, and we all understand how it feels to be us.