Bullies

The last person to ever either realise or accept that they are a bully... is a bully.

That's the general principle as I've come to understand it in life, and I've suffered more than my fair share of bullies - from schooldays to the present time.

The biggest bully I've encountered in recent years is my sister-in-law.  She's a pro.  No matter how strongly I come out of my corner, ready to fight back - she always has the sucker punch ready to deliver.  And it always hits its target.  My eloquence deserts me whenever I'm confronted by her.  She turns me into a gibbering fool.  She's had plenty of  practice.  That's another thing about a bully.  They always know who's ripe for bullying.

She's not well-educated, but she knows everything.  If you can give her chapter and verse on any subject under the sun, she'll rubbish it.  If she disagrees with you, she expresses it in a way that isn't about accepting that you have a valid point of view that you're entitled to hold.  She expresses it in a way that says it's wrong.  End of.  She's devious.  She's manipulative.  She loves to set one person off against another, then sit back and watch the fun.  She's a small-town girl with a small-town mind.  But that doesn't matter.  Because she's mastered her art.  You'll never get one over on her.  She's a world champ of the put-down.  She's the consummate passive-aggressive communicator.  She'll make you apologise to her, even if she's the one who's done the wrong.  She'll cover up her own mistakes by displacing them onto others.  She is, of course, chronically insecure.  Most bullies are.  Their bullying - their belittling of their victims, who may be superior in all senses - is their way of dealing with their insecurity.  And their reducing their victims to bumbling messes is their way of assuring themselves of their self-perceived superiority.

Recently, it was suggested to me that my sister-in-law is a narcissist.  I hadn't considered her in those terms before, so I looked it up to see what the classic signs are:

1. Conversation Hoarder. The narcissist loves to talk about him or herself, and doesn’t give you a chance to take part in a two-way conversation. You struggle to have your views and feelings heard. When you do get a word in, if it’s not in agreement with the narcissist, your comments are likely to be corrected, dismissed, or ignored.

2. Conversation Interrupter. While many people have the poor communication habit of interrupting others, the narcissist interrupts and quickly switches the focus back to herself. He shows little genuine interest in you.  

3. Boundary Violator. Shows wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and physical space. Oversteps and uses others without consideration or sensitivity. Borrows items or money without returning. Breaks promises and obligations repeatedly. Shows little remorse and blames the victim for one’s own lack of respect.

4. False Image Projection. Many narcissists like to do things to impress others by making themselves look good externally. This “trophy” complex can exhibit itself physically, romantically, sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially, professionally, academically, or culturally. In these situations, the narcissist uses people, objects, status, and/or accomplishments to represent the self, substituting for the perceived, inadequate “real” self. These grandstanding “merit badges” are often exaggerated. The underlying message of this type of display is: “I’m better than you!” or “Look at how special I am—I’m worthy of everyone’s love, admiration, and acceptance!”

5. Entitlement. Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect others to cater (often instantly) to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them.

6. Charmer. Narcissists can be very charismatic and persuasive. When they’re interested in you (for their own gratification), they make you feel very special and wanted. However, once they lose interest in you (most likely after they’ve gotten what they want, or became bored), they may drop you without a second thought. A narcissist can be very engaging and sociable, as long as you’re fulfilling what she desires, and giving her all of your attention.

7. Grandiose Personality.  Thinking of oneself as a hero or heroine, a prince or princess, or one of a kind special person. Some narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, believing that others cannot live or survive without his or her magnificent contributions. 

8. Negative Emotions. Many narcissists enjoy spreading and arousing negative emotions to gain attention, feel powerful, and keep you insecure and off-balance. They are easily upset at any real or perceived slights or inattentiveness. They may throw a tantrum if you disagree with their views, or fail to meet their expectations. They are extremely sensitive to criticism, and typically respond with heated argument (fight) or cold detachment (flight). On the other hand, narcissists are often quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame you. Some narcissists are emotionally abusive. By making you feel inferior, they boost their fragile ego, and feel better about themselves.

9. Manipulation: Using Others as an Extension of Self. Making decisions for others to suit one’s own needs. The narcissist may use his or her romantic partner, child, friend, or colleague to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized dreams or cover up self-perceived inadequacies and flaws.

Absolutely, she ticks the box on every point.  No wonder I (and, it should be said, other family members) have had such a tough time at her hands.  My brother, of course, is totally under her spell.  She's changed him over the course of the years to be more like her.  She's estranged him from his natural children, whereas her child - his step-daughter - is the 'golden' one who can do no wrong.  She's her mother's agent and confederate.  She's also a narcissist.

Having struggled for years with her, a therapist I saw after mum passed away told me that the only thing I could do was to stop feeding the beast.  And the only ways to do that would either be to agree with everything that they say, thus depriving them of reasons to react.  Or cut them out of your life completely.

I said that the latter would be difficult.  She's married to my brother, after all.  Her reply?  'He's made his choice.  You now have to make yours.  Keep her in your life and continue to suffer damage - or put her (and him) out of your life and move on.'

Which is what I'm doing - sad and desperate though that might seem.  But they're not really interested in me, so what is there to lose?

Anyone else had any experiences at the hands of such individuals?