Published on 12, July, 2020
I’m very confused about who I am and want to know if any Autistic people relate to any of my traits/behaviours.
I’m a 35 year old woman, in a happy long term relationship, good job and have a large social circle and enjoy social events. However I’ve always felt like I’m “not being myself” and always obsessed over personality type quizzes to try and find out who I am, always searched for the solution, yet never found it. More recently I’ve thought maybe something bad happened in my past that I don’t know about, and that is why I didn’t feel right and felt different - however nothing proves this point.
I’ve recently become fascinated in researching into late diagnosis of autism in women. I possess many traits of autism and masking, however I don’t (that I know of) have any problems with eye contact or interacting with people - this makes me question whether I am or not. To save going into too much detail I’ve bulleted below some of my current and past traits and behaviours. Some of these I’ve always just thought are weird or was just something I do so I’d love to hear if anybody else has had similar experiences.
The above are just a select through that have a personal impact on me, however there are more traits that are fitting. I’d be grateful to learn of others experiences.
Most of the things you have listed can be linked to autistic traits (special interests, routine driven, need for predictability, hypersensitivity, visual learner, difficulty displaying typical facial expressions)
What doesn't fit is enjoying social events. Do you really enjoy them or have you convinced yourself that you do to fit in? What activities do you do and how do you cope with the environment and a lot of people talking at once? Does it exhaust you?
I like personality quizzes too. When I did the colours one I was half red (determined) and half blue (analytical)
Good question around social events. I’ve always thought of myself as being highly social but over the past few years I’ve acknowledged that I’d rather stay home to most social events. But I put this down to laziness yet feeling now this may be my true self. I also find myself doing stuff such as driving a longer route so I can spend more time on my own - I enjoy my own company. I do however get a buzz from busy social events.
My colours were yellow and green. However again, I question myself on whether I’m being 100% true to myself or whether I’m masking my true self - either consciously or subconsciously.