Coping with change

Having been diagnosed just a few months ago, I have been reflecting on my life and to what extent each of the characteristics and symptoms of being on the spectrum affects me.

One that had me particularly confused was "coping with change". I have moved around a lot all my life. Growing up, I went to several schools in two different countries, and I have lived in four different countries in total. When I have moved to a new situation, I have always looked forward to it, because I always considered it yet another chance at a "fresh start", because I had always managed to mess up my social relationships in my present situation badly enough that I really did need a new start. Unlike many people here, I am actually quite good in job interviews, because I am really skilled at hiding the "real me". On top of that, I can dress well when I really need to, and I'm decent-looking, so I'm well-received by most people upon first meeting them. When I'm in a new situation, e.g. a new job, I do well, at least for the first few months.

There have been a few threads about masking on here recently, and it has become clear to me just how proficient I am at that particular skill. If there was a university course in masking, I could teach it. For me, it is like putting on an act. I invent a character and then step into the role. That character changes depending on the nature and interests of the group. Sometimes I simply imitate someone in the group whom everyone else seems to like. Usually, however, it is some sort of an amalgamation of characters in books and on TV, etc.

Because of my experience with "successfully" moving into new situations, I didn't really understand until just recently how I fell into the "doesn't cope well with change" category. The change I have trouble with is not missing a bus or moving house. The type of change I really cannot comprehend or cope with is a change in the way other people respond to me. One day, I will seem to be getting along with the people I'm with, and maybe I'll even make a connection with a few of them. Then, after some days, weeks, or months, something will happen, and that idyllic situation in which I feel accepted and even liked by others is gone, and I can't understand why. I think it is because my mask gradually wears away, or there are certain moments when it is absent, just for a second or two, and the others pick up on it. Or maybe I simply start to feel so comfortable among people I believe to be my friends that I drop the act and intentionally, though subconsciously, allow my true self to emerge. After the change, everything starts snowballing, because I am desperately trying to get back what I lost, and my inability to cope with change emerges and rapidly removes my ability to keep masking who I really am. Possibly the problem is exacerbated by the fact that people have now realised who I am and see the act for what it is.

At that point, I think people really start to hate me because they feel that I have intentionally deceived them right from the beginning. I have been treated in a way I could never have believed possible, by people who I thought were friends, in nearly every place I have been. People that I previously considered normal and reasonably well-adjusted steal from me, sabotage me, say the most horrible things behind my back, and gang up on me, without any apparent conscience or hesitation. They behave as though they have seen me crush the heads of babies and puppies right in front of their eyes, but the worst things they can actually vocalise consciously about me are things like "she kept her office door closed", or "she didn't drink coffee with everyone else", and the weird thing is that other previously uninvolved people, upon hearing about these terrible crimes of mine, interpret them as worse than the breaches of proper conduct perpetrated by others against me (e.g. another member of teaching staff telling a classroom full of students that I am incompetent, resulting in bad teaching ratings for me and the loss of my employment).

I don't know how many of you are familiar with the TV show The Twilight Zone (probably not many since it's an American show from decades ago), but I used to watch reruns of that when I was younger and one particular episode comes to mind. The episode takes place in a futuristic world where a guy (kind of a jerk) had committed some crime of an antisocial nature and had been sentenced to "invisibility". To accomplish this, he was branded with a mark on his forehead, and this indicated to everyone he encountered that he was to be completely ignored. Anyway, desperate to interact with another human being, he strikes up a conversation with a blind person, who of course can't see the brand on his forehead. This all goes well until someone tells the blind person he is invisible. The blind person gets really upset, because it's illegal to interact with an invisible person. Anyway, the guy's sentence eventually ends, and instead of the antisocial jerk he used to be, he is now a nice guy, but his punishment worked too well, because the next thing he does is he encounters a somewhat distraught "invisible" woman in the street and gives her a hug, for which he has to serve another sentence of invisibility, and that's how the episode ends.

The kind of reaction other people have to me when I have been "revealed" kind of reminds me of that moment in the episode when the blind guy realises he has been talking to an invisible person. Come to think of it, I think that neurodiverse people have an invisible brand that serves the same purpose as the one in that futuristic world.

Anyway, after that huge digression (sorry about that), that is how I have trouble coping with change, and the type of change I have trouble coping with. I care about missing my bus only if I'm in a hurry. After all, there are plenty of other buses on the way.

What type of change do you have difficulty with?