Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I recently started studying counselling in an attempt to try and be a better person, someone who makes other people feel good and correct whatever it is about me that seems to make me so... I don’t know... undesirable as a companion.
As part of the process you are supposed to contemplate the events in your life that have made you the way you are and in spite of the traumas I’ve experienced I kept coming back to the realisation that I was always like that.
I used to embrace being alienated from everyone and was a bit of a ruthless know it all and now as an adult, a wife and a mother I’m different. I’m always trying my best to be welcoming, sociable and supportive but people still treat me the same. I somehow always get people’s backs up.
I recently heard a women on the radio talking about having autism and I was surprised how “normal” she sounded and the symptoms of her autism didn’t seem odd to me at all.
I’ve done online tests which all come back as having some degree of autism. My husband thought it was ridiculous for me to think I was autistic (me too actually!) but when I read out a list of traits of high functioning autism even he had to admit out of about 25 I clearly had 23 of them. The severe aspects of my personality that he doesn’t understand.
I have booked myself in to see the GP but I’m feeling silly. I’m worried they’ll think I’m just looking for an excuse for not being a nice person. I’m scared they’ll refuse to assess me. I’m also a bit scared of not being autistic after having made a fuss.
I guess I’m hoping that someone else felt the same when faced with the prospect of finding out if they were autistic? What did the GP say?
I made a mess of my GP appointment when I went to ask for an autism assessment referral because I became so flustered and unsure of what I was supposed to say, what she would think of me, whether she would take me seriously.
I remember she asked why I thought I had autism and I said "Because I think I'm weird." then I beat myself up for about a week for saying that because it sounded so dumb. She did refer me though and when I eventually had the assessment the result was Asperger's or High-Functioning Autism. (I believe the diagnostic terms are in transition at the moment and that 'Asperger's' will no longer be used.)
Despite my growing suspicion that I had autism, in the wait to be assessed I swung constantly between "I really hope so, it would make so much sense!!" to "This is ridiculous, of course I don't, I'm wasting these people's time.", and "OH NO, What if they say I DON'T have it?" I think, from things I've read from others on this site, most people go through this sort of doubt. It's probably natural really considering we've spent our whole lives being told things like "Don't be ridiculous, you're fine, just get on with it."
At the end of the assessment though, I was still blown away when she said "Yes". I asked if she was sure, maybe it was just borderline, how accurate was the test really? She said there was absolutely no doubt at all and that I ticked seven out of the eight criteria!!
That was just in January, at the age of 44, and I'm still getting used to it and learning about it (and myself, it seems) but it does make sense. I feel 'I' finally make sense!
If you feel as strongly as you say about it, and having read up on it, it's worth finding out one way or the other. Just for your own sake really because other than how you feel about and understand yourself, it doesn't actually change anything. There aren't really any services (although there is 'supposed to be' some sort of follow-up to help you come to terms with the diagnosis) available unless people need things like personal care, sheltered housing, or benefits. Some areas are better equipped than others though and yours may have support groups if you wanted to use them.
Good luck with your appointment, and if your GP is dismissive remember that you can ask to see another or get a second opinion! Not all GP's are very up to date on autism. You can also, I believe, self-refer but check with NAS about that on the helpline or on this site.