My names is Janusz and I’m in the process of self diagnosis.
I’m also recovering addict and now I’m sober for 7 months. I feel that addiction was my coping mechanism for various issues so now I’m sober I find life very difficult. I’m not saying that I’m not happy with that I’m sober but it all came back at me.
When I share my challenges I’m accused by people close to me that I’m preparing another relaps.
So I don’t like sharing anything
Does anybody here got some experience in relation to my situation?
I genuily feel lonely.
Martian Tom, BlueRay and (deleted user) thank you for your replies.
Yes I'm in an AA - type program and I'm not going to knock it. It helped me to keep sobriety and sobriety saved my marriage, I became better dad, better boss and many more. I think I wouldn't be able to get to know myself without this 7 months.
But there is more about me that an addict but this is the only thing which is established over last 10 years of counselling. The only diagnosis I've got. I was never diagnosed with depression or anxiety, I have to deal with them every single day specially now when my main coping mechanism is not an option. When I say to people about Aphantasia, Visual Snow, Tinnitus, Sensory overload etc and that I had them since I can remember sometimes I hear "How cute he is, he is making those stories up to keep people care about him"
This is not true! All those findings it is the result of listening to myself, I was escaping from it my whole life trying to be "normal" but trying to be "normal" came at a price, I had to find a way to be able to ignore and avoid what was inside me.
I feel what's inside me is MY NORMAL it is challenging sometimes it is hard work so it hurts when somebody says that it's my excuse or my "get out of jail card"
Thanks for reading and your support. I'm very happy that I found place when I can share thing like this.
Jan84 said:I was never diagnosed with depression or anxiety, I have to deal with them every single day specially now when my main coping mechanism is not an option.
Hi again, Janusz,
As I suspected - you are someone who knows the hell of addiction, and what it could easily cost you. Sobriety has saved your marriage, made you a better dad, a better boss, etc. You know these things. It isn't really for anyone else to tell you what you should and shouldn't do (one of the reasons I had to leave AA, because I was getting plenty of that!) - but you know yourself.
Alcohol is great for anxiety and depression. It takes away the bad feelings. It makes you feel happy. It makes you feel confident. But you know too well - as I do - what it can also do. Even people telling me, as is perfectly true, that alcohol is a depressant and will actually only worsen my depressions (which it does) isn't enough to put me off. I've grown heartily sick now, though, of waking up on a Sunday morning, not really being able to remember what I did the night before (did I put something abusive on Facebook?), and feeling so lousy that the rest of the day has been wasted: too hung over to concentrate, to eat, to exercise, to do anything much except sit and vow 'Never again!' The number of times I've said that! And then, a day or two later - when I'm feeling good again - picking up again. Like they say in AA: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result each time. Actually, the result is different each time: it's a little worse.
I truly envy people who can drink - even heavily - and it doesn't mess with them the way it can mess with me. I envy people like Madworld, who's glad to drink every day because it works. I wish I could be like that. I used to be like that. But then something stressful comes along - a relationship, for instance, or a bad time at work - and before I know it, it's becoming more and more necessary, until it's hard to control it. And then I find myself a bit further down the ladder - needing more, spending more, suffering more.
I know I'll never be a normal drinker again. I don't understand normal drinkers at all. Why on earth would someone buy a bottle of wine, or scotch, if they weren't intending to drink it all in one sitting, or one day? How do people 'just have a pint now and then' or 'a small whisky before bedtime'? If it's in the house, it's there to be drunk - not pecked at.
That's how it is...
I'm a very controlled drinker, I only drink in the evenings and I drink a fixed amount and then stop.
I've never been drunk, in the sense that you've lost control, I've never had a hangover. I drink approximately 8 units each evening. I'm sure it is impacting on my physical health, but I find it helps my mental health. Swings and roundabouts.