I am a 27yr old female and my boyfriend is 26yr old male who was diagnosed with asperges at age 9.
I have wanted to ask for help, advice or suggestions and possibly similar experiences if applicable for quite some time however I've not been comfortable with putting into words my issue or experience and also find it quite upsetting.
I don't want to go on too much but I will start at the beginning.
I met my be 2 yrs ago, he was extremely charming, affectionate, very very manly and 'bloke like', generous with money, would drive hours after 16hr shifts to see me for even an hour or two, he took me on days out rather than the usual 'laddy' dates or standard dates, he has very few friends only one I have heard of who he speaks to daily through his phone and rarely sees face to face now however used to see at least once a week. He seemed to have his head screwed on, extremely good career in the rail industry so he is up and down the country with work both him and I have did used how his asperges has been of benefit to his position in work which he used to really enjoy and he was very proud if his job and work ethic,, extremely good wage, he had his own car which was a flashy Audi, he had a lot of money saved, he also had his own apartment, up to date with all bills and responsibilities. He took me on holidays to Mexico, verbjer in Switzerland, Paris, and always weekends away.
My be voted on me completely and said he loved me more so because I wasn't interested in the flashy holidays or money, and I was grateful, hard worker, I didn't have much but I had my own responsibilities which I was managing and I had a job, money to do things I wanted to within reason, great rekatio ship with groups of friends and a few very close true friends, amazing family who were impressed with my be at the start and he expressed how much he loved my family, which was hugely important to me, he is from another city an hour or so away and 5/6 months from speaking with him we were in a relationship and he was not asking but basically telling me we were moving in together, he was sick of only seeing me a few times a week and the planning of seeing as each other as we lived in different cities, he insisted on how much he wanted to move his life to live with me in my city.
So I ended up doing all the viewings, we rented a little and very expensive flat where I am from. He always said money was no issue and he was happy for me to contribute what I already was path g to live on my own as I couldn't afford anymore.
Long story short we started speaking in jan 2016, he moved to my city in Oct 2016, and by man 2017 I had discovered a very different side to him. He would call me names, like swearing at me calling me a useless c**t over minor things or over nothing, he would repeatedly tell me I offer him nothing he can't easily get from anyone else,
He is a good looking boy, muscular figure, very tall, very manly looking, and he is all but too aware of it. His behaviour especially towards me drastically change and when i look back to this time last year it was almost overnight, the lies started and the stories, which i lapped up like the fool i was. The dislike and lack of interest started. In march 2017 he got a job working away in Scotland, he did not discuss it with me he just told me he was going. He's behaviour pretty much as soon as he started working away was just unbelievably bad, I don't know where to begin with the things he would say and within seconds it would go from me being the most worthless piece of s**t had ever known to move up here with me. I had no idea where this behaviour and so much more was coming from but he kept telling me there us something up with him he needs space and time to get help, so I did the whole researching if asperges and wondered if it was related in some way.
In april 2017 he booked a holiday to mexuco that cost him over 3k, he hadnt oaid bills on our apartment, he was earning iver 1200 per week, i was earning 1k per month and never had a penny spare, again I didn't understand why I thought he had his head screwed on and when he has his mind set on something you're fighting a losing battle TRYING to make him see sense, so the holiday was booked. He then said because we were going through such a rough patch lots of arguing and him not wanting me anymore then begging for me etc he was putting the holiday to Mexico off until my bday in Aug and he was going to use his holiday off work to go on his own to the alps in France which he loves. I didn't agree but I supported him and what he said was best. I found out in june017 that he had actually not been to France, he had gone to Mexico on our holiday with another girl he had been seeing for a month from a city closer to Scotland. He then confessed that he has a cocaine adduction which I think I went into shock. From this time in may 2017 up to Nov 2017 he has cheated (What I 100% know of) on me with 5 people, 2 are girls, 3 turned out to be pre ok transsexuals, he didn't use protection with them all, he from what I know didn't have only sexual relationships with them all with a few it seemed to be a bit more, the ibfudrkity, the drugs, the constant lies and stories, even lies that aren't necessary or stories that go into detail, has anybody had any experience similar to thus????
He prides on being a butch manly bloke like character, and was mortified when I found out he had slept with a pre op transsexuals in his car, hotels and even in our home, and he has said it was all for drugs because he could not get the money he needed for them and knew if he manipulated trans (where apparently he knew drugs were easier to find in their community) he could have access to drugs, he tells me he is disgusted in himself as he is 100% heterosexual, he said he's blocked all occasions out and etc etc he thinks I am disgusting and evil for even considering or suggesting he has a curiosity or a fetush ir attraction be ause all people he has cgeated with gave saud a similar story and that tgere were so many occasions where drugs were nit invokved and one imoarticular didnt aid him with cintacts for drugs until montgs after breaking tgeur affair off.
What do I do? How do I approach this? From what u have read on asperges lying isn't something which an aspie appears you finds so easy and natural, am I wrong? Because my bf is an absolute master of lying and manipulating.
I now a year after seeing with all of this am almost completely forgetting who I used to be, I'm severely depressed and gave been diagnosed with endegonous depression, I also have crohns disease, I am currently you off sick from work, I have gone from being very close with my family to barely speaking to any of them, I tried to commit suicide a few weeks ago and genuinely have no want to be here anymore, but I can't find a way to go to sleep forever without tearing my families lives apart. My be is aware of where u am at mentally and has begged for months for a chance, I have given him one, a huge one thus the, and were back to the same old treatment. He was the person I went to after my attempted suicide and since then (just under 3 weeks) he has told me a lot more of how useless I am, how meaningless my life is, pathetic I am, what a week person I am, to go and kill myself again but do it properly thus time, how I fail at everything even killing myself I fail at,,, you get the drift, rather than the support and care and love he has begged to be able to give me. I feel I won't ever escape him and I am at fault for it because somehow I love him, I question whether it's live or whether it is the result if months of breaking me down to the point where I have 0 self worth or self esteem and I don't have any want for life anymore, I feel I'm disgusting if I can accept the things has done to me and still want love from him and still be here!
What can I do to make my life easier with him? Does anyone know any tips for when has in tunnel vision anger more? For when I'm breaking my heart crying over the things has done to me? Does anybody have experience with an adult male who has an extremely high sex drive and seems to push the boundaries for that rush? Am I wrong for thinking is he straight or bi or sexually curious? Is it really for drugs? Are asperges good at manipulating and living almost a double life?
I have read an awful lot of stories about how an adult male with mild asperges tends to be the knight in shining armour at the beginning, and then almost when you're hooked you're eventually discarded like a used tissue, but I have been discarded and asked and begged to still be in his life and begged for months and months to be here, yet as soon as I am he changes
Here’s an excellent book on how to do no contact and why it’s important. s3-ap-southeast-2.amazonaws.com/.../HowToDoNoContact-NARP.pdf
It is extremely difficult for me to lie. I always tell the truth by default.
I have had some situations where I have been forced not to tell the truth. Simply, stay quiet. I was extremely anxious.
I think it is difficult for the autistic people to lie.
To me also the boyfriend does not sound autistic.
I would not consider him to be autistic after the description.
I might be wrong, but I think the autistic people are extremely faithfully.
I can not imagine myself cheating my partner. I would never want more than one partner.
It would be extremely difficult for me to be in a position where I would be cheating the partner or lie.
I agree you should move away from him completely. Cut all ties.
Wether he is Aspergers or a narcissist is not for you to find out.
There was a discussion where the difference was discussed, it is subtle as many traits appear similar, there is an underlying focus between the two.
both strive for one thing that is so vastly different.
He could be Aspergers but turning to stimulants to stop any pain from not understanding may have altered his mind so he no longer can be just Aspergers. Tony Attwood himself has a son who turned to drugs and alcohol, it changed him totally and he is lost in a world of not ever knowing who he is, he took stimulants to ease his mind, to rest from the constant barrage of not fitting in, getting things wrong, over analysing everything.trying to fit in with those around him.
Your partner may change but waiting and dealing with that has to be for himself to accept and go through and any family that help him. Not you.
you must not keep trying as you inadvertently may have been what took him on the drug journey. Not your fault, but if he was unable to deal or adjust to being with you which is not easy when the rules and variables just don’t come easy for him.
I am not seeking to forgive him,just to try and understand what changed him so suddenly.
Just to say again, nothing you have done is wrong or your fault, You have been very supportive and loving, you have gone through more than you should ever be expected to. It is a difficult thing being Aspergers for some to show love and effection and it causes much conflict when I internalise the pain I see I can give by doing this.
this then turns into even more pain for me and that can be when I push harder against the very love being shown to me.
It is a nasty loop of hurt that just keeps going around, stimulants can ease the hurt, but ultimately the very problem will not go away.
Please read this information it may help you understand the difference between both!
Well said lonewarrior. His ‘change’ is typical of what happens after the initial love bombing stage that is seen in a narcissistic relationship, but as you explained, we don’t know what it is or isn’t and it isn’t for us to diagnose. What is important is understanding yourself and looking after yourself. Well said.
It looks like the partner is not interested to understand himself and the author but is only interested in simply satisfying his needs.
If he is not interested to find out more about himself. It does not really matters what diagnosis he has.
What matters is if the author would like to be together with the described partner.
If would have all of the problems mentioned with the partner, I would be extremely anxious. Most likely, very close to a mental breakdown.
I would better be alone than with a partner with all the described problems.
I always want to be in peaceful place. If the partner cannot provide me the environment where we could enjoy peace together and care about each other, then I better stay alone.
Oh! so you aren't living together! reading the above it sounded like you were still together!
So you aren't together, he is back with his mum, helping him recover.
You have the opportunity for a clean break and you are still there.
I am going to be blunt again, pardon my rudeness but in such situations I am very direct. What is the attraction when your ex has treat you like dirt and put you at danger of STIs and aids? are you clinging onto his looks? his salary and high life? dreams of the future? If he wasn't so good looking, was a skinny pale guy on minimum wage in a shop, would you be clinging onto him? (that skinny guy is probably 10 times the man with respect and equality for his partner). Your ex has made you feel worthless and suicidal! You need to surround yourself with those who love and support you, not chasing your nemesis.
So you try again, he does it again, what then? repeat over and over?
So you try again and he doesn't do the half of it again so you know that was down to drugs but do you have any trust in him? will that tear you apart? will he get annoyed with you over it and then another downward spiral of different sorts happens. What if he is misdiagnosed as narcissist and you are sucked in again.....
Why put yourself through it?
He asked you for another chance and it repeated.
You have the opportunity for a clean break and walk away.
I saw a quote somewhere "Don't look back, that isn't the direction you are going in"
Heed the warnings and advice from others. Move forward, move on.
Noo we aren’t living together as such. He has moved back to his mums to sort out debt he has accrued and because of his recovery
thank you you so much for your reply I didn’t actually expect this much response.
no I have even asked myself the same questions, it’s not because of his physical appearance I just mentioned that point because that’s his views and as he even tells me he’s able to pick any girl he wants etc
its the the person I thought I fell in love with and he’ll treat me with the love and effect ion I’m so desperate for so it’s like he’s giving me enough to keep me in his life yet he’ll treat me the way I mentioned. He makes it difficult to leave him too but he knows there’s so much of me that doesn’t want to and I think cause I’m so broken I’m in this hole of being so desperate for love I know I deserve from him. I feel so em arrayed even saying the things I have it makes me feel pathetic and it’s like a constant circle of me feeling worthless and him reinforcing them feelings.
I know im stupid and foolish to think he could ever even respect me let alone love me after accepting the things he has done and accepting his excuses but I just can’t leave. I think he’s right when he says I’m weak and I agree with the things he says when he’s putting me down and don’t think I’ll ever do better anyway nor if I’m alone which I always used to think. But not anymore. So I just wondered if Asperger have tendencies to lie and he was diagnosed aged 9, his mum works in an autistic related job, I do agree that he has narcissistic behaviours, and also has lots of traits that show from his Asperger. I just wondered if it’s a case of and sort to be blunt. When an a person with Asperger thinks or wants something that’s it for them it’s tunnel vision and their way of dealing with stress or no if it’s kicking off if it’s hurling abuse if it’s comoletely different like locking themselves away or whatever it is- can someone with Asperger learn to deal with things in a different manner or approach situations, emotional, practical, etc in better ways.
for example. My bf when stressed sees red, this results in the person on the receiving end be it his mum or myself or whoever being called the most disgusting names, deep personal attacks, sworn at, put down, blamed for whatever he is stressed about even if it’s his doing. If I try reasoning I end up coming off worse if I say nothing I’m useless and unhelpful, is he able to learn how to react or deal with stressful situations better? And after this happens which is daily now I get a one word sorry if I’m lucky and he won’t understand why it’s not enough when because it’s gine on for over a year along with everything else I’m then left feeling useless and worthless and all the things he’ll call me or say about me. He will then say I’m an antagonist and I love argument and I carry things on. I’ve tried to explain but if you go to such an extent and btw with such passion to putting me down or name calling or comments about me, that’s going to have a huge effect and a flippant sorry doesn’t make that go away as I never get the same or even nearly as much passion or reassurance into building me up or actually anything good about me. You tell someone 20 times you hate them with passion and effort and say the opposite only a few times they’re going to believe they’re more likely to be hated.
When simeone has asperges can can they learn to deal and manage things and people in different ways or is it kind of their way or the highway and they will never see different?