Published on 12, July, 2020
I was diagnosed with ASD on 16th October this year. Due to this, I have been feeling overwhelmed and dropped out of going to my partner's dad's for a Christmas weekend this weekend. My partners mum, who is divorced from his dad, is extremely offended by this and called him up last night to explain how unreasonable she felt my behaviour was and how she felt I should put up and shut up, despite his dad being fine with me not being there. I found this behaviour to be incredibly hurtful and upsetting. I want her to know this so that hopefully she can think before she acts in future. As his mum likes to write letters in these kind of situations I have written one to her. If possible, I'm looking for constructive feedback on how I can write it in a way that won't incredibly upset her.
Dear xxx,
I’m writing to you as I’ve been hurt and upset by how you have reacted over my withdrawal from going to xxx for one occasion in the 2.5 years myself and xxx has been together. As we could know each other for 40 years + I felt it was best to get this out in the open rather than let this fester. I hope you appreciate my honesty.
In the past, I’ve found you to be thoughtful and kind. Now that I’ve received my autism diagnosis I’ve been overwhelmed by the expectations placed on Christmas and how this highlights how much I struggle and will always struggle. Based on your past behaviour when you called xxx on Friday night I expected you to say something such as ‘I’m sorry to xx is struggling. What things does she find difficult and is there anything we can do to help?”. Instead, you came across as only being concerned about your own challenges with adapting to change and you made some very hurtful comments. As for the last 2.5 years I have put the needs of xxx family above my own, I believe missing one Christmas occasion to put myself first is called give and take, it isn’t unreasonable. However, even when xxx explained that I had cried for two solid days at the overwhelming emotions I was feeling, you continued to talk about my behaviour in a derogatory manner. That was really hurt.
One of the side effects of autism is overwhelming anxiety. The impact on my mental health can be seen in my initial misdiagnosis of bipolar disorder. It isn’t a case of being shy. Asking me to grit my teeth and just get on with things is completely inappropriate, as doing this in the past has left me wishing I was dead.
I didn’t go to xxx's as being autistic I find the following incredibly difficult, which is why, as much as possible, I have avoided sleeping over at yours when you have offered:
Despite what xxx says I don’t have an issue with xxx (brother in law) as an individual. Although I really feel for the pressure that xxx (daughter) and xxx (brother in law) are both under to present a certain image, I do believe that the image they try to present doesn’t match with their reality. Like many autistic people, I have an overwhelming need to tell, and for others to tell the truth. As such, I often find the way xxx and xxx talk challenging.
It is clear the impact that having to attend xxx (partner's dad's) family functions when you didn’t want to has had on you are still resentful of this despite being separated for many years. Being autistic means my emotions around social situations are magnified by 1000 so imagine how distressing these occasions can be for me. When you do this, hopefully you will be able to recognise and appreciate the incredible amount of effort I have put into integrating into your family.
Just a few examples of how I’ve put xxx’s (partner) and his family’s needs before mine include:
I understand from the telephone conversation that you are unnecessarily worried that you will never see xxx (my partner) again. This made your behaviour on Friday even more frustrating as instead of doing what you could to make me feel supported and included so I’d want to spend more time at yours you did the opposite and behaved in a way that was likely to push me away.
Until after your phone call on Friday the plan for Christmas at yours was that I’d attend every day but take my own car and go home in the evenings whilst xxx stayed. Therefore, as usual I’d be spending most of the festive period putting your families needs above my own despite feeling awful inside. As you showed no concern and a total lack of respect for my feelings, making me feel dreadful to please you feels completely inappropriate this year. Plus, I need a cooling off period from how hurt your words made me feel.
Regards,
xxx
Thanks. She asked where I was at the start of the call and OH told her I was next to him on the sofa and she knows this means I can hear every word. She's just self-absorbed
From our phone call last night she's made us aware that it will definitely be one of those 'her she goes again' relationships. She's already stated that being able to say exactly what she thinks is very important to her and she doesn't mind if she upsets me saying it! At least this means I can be more open with her about the things she does that I find frustrating and inappropriate, although I'll make sure that I'm respectful and don't do it too often.
Well she's been caught out because he told you, maybe she wanted him to tell you as she didn't want to say it to your face
Well it turned out to be a bit of a fuss about nothing.
We spoke on the phone last night, she feels that she should be able to say what she likes about me to her son even if its disrespectful, which is frustrating. However... I said I needed her to apologise as she really upset me and she did. She also sent me a nice text afterwards about how she wants us all to get on.
I need to work on my confidence though as I feel terrible for causing an upset, although, all that happened was OHs mum spoke in a negative and unsupportive way, I let her know she upset me, we talked it out and now we're drawing a line under it and moving on.
It's fine to be upset, hurt, angry etc
What a tangled situation.. lots of grief, health, relationship and adjustment issues to deal with all at once and a new job too. I lost my mum to cancer just over 3 years ago ..that in itself is hard to deal with, my diagnosis was a year ago and my brothers and sister live away so just me to help support my dad and sort of vice versa. We don’t adapt quickly do we, so just acknowledge it’s early days and take your time. So yes if you can, try to focus on coping strategies ( with help if you need it) I think that’s better for everyone and less damaging to you too ( which is easier said than done). Good luck with the new job in January
I am a teacher. I provide dyslexia support in HE. That's tough that no one in your family wants to know about the A word. I'd find that incredibly hard. I hope they're able to come round to things or at least that you can find peace with the situation
I haven't had a reply from MIL yet but I have managed to calm down and am able to be more kind in my feelings towards her thanks to everyone's thoughts. I was an emotional mess Friday night and yesterday. I'm starting a new post in Jan and have also started to sort out the the RAs I need for when I start. Two posts ago I took them to an employment tribunal as they refused to put RAs in place so I am a little apprehensive due to that. My new place have already agreed to an A2W though and they are hopefully getting me access to Brain in Hand so I'll have someone to talk to through the app about developing coping strategies.
MIL is pre-diabetic. When she found this out she was overwhelmed and very emotional for months. She is also very strict about putting adjustments in place and that we all have to adapt to her needs for her to be healthy and happy. If the situation arises I'm going to explain how her being overwhelmed and needing adjustments is the same situation I am in now. OH still doesn't think this will make a difference but at least I'll have done the best I can and will be able to accept that she isn't in a place to be accepting.
I do feel for the MIL as I think she has control issues and is also scared about being alone. Her mum died of cancer early in to mine and the OHs relationship. Her brother married during this time but was only away for a short while and his mum came to his post wedding party before she died. The brother was also by his mothers side when she died. MIL disagrees that he gout married during this period and as told him this. As he wouldn't say he agree with her point of view after she explained she was upset she's now cut him out of her life forever. This means all she has is her children. She has re-married but I believe they both settled for who they could find in the local pub rather than finding a relationship were they truly love each other. They fall out a lot.
I'm lucky the MIL is the first person whose made a negative comment in the two months I've known I'm autistic. My own family is supportive and are glad I now know why I struggle with certain things. From your replies, I now understand that instead of focusing on my hurt I need to learn ways to cope with the MILs behaviour if I'm going to support the OH like he supports me.
Ps sorry not sure where I got the working teacher bit from. Family relationships are tough. Mine isn’t easy either. No one wants to hear the A word and don’t want to understand they just want me to know how me being me affected them or ignore it. One brother and I are on breaking glass at the moment. I wish you a peaceful heart
Nope....equally crap....x
Hello. I do hope this situation becomes easier. I endorse what the others have said. In addition there are two other things I would like to add. Firstly it sounds as though you are only recently diagnosed? So I think maybe you are adjusting to that yourself and it takes some time ( months -a couple of years) to come to terms with . So perhaps you are more sensitive at the moment and therefore more vulnerable in a situation such as this. So there is more need for you to be kind to yourself and know that even though families and gatherings and Christmas may not get any easier but as you adjust you may manage better as time passes or at least not beat yourself up so much. Secondly; mothers and sons, whatever the circumstances, marital status or personal asd aside... I think you will find most mum’s have a different bond to their sons than to their daughters. And it takes quite a while ( if ever) for families to shake down to comfortable with partners/spouses. I’m not condoning that but sometimes it helps to know it’s “not just us” type of thing. I don’t know if this helps put things in perspective a bit more but I think the situation is both general and specific. Not easy. The whole family at Christmas, mixing and socialising with groups extra stress and pressure of expectations is really hard for all of us. On top of that it sounds like you are working and in a people job and by the end of term teachers and students alike are exhausted. It sounds as though you and your partner are doing your best to support each other which is good. Keep one eye on the fact it’s just a few days and that in 2 weeks time life on the whole will get back to normal and you may have chance then to have a chat with mil.
. said:when you are indeed caught in the centre of a storm....you can't always see the clouds and the rain, or even the blue skies that are on the horizon
Yes, true. Quite frustrating though, as many people seem a lot better at it than me...
Perhaps (given that she is divorced) she wants everything to be perfect now - not perfect as in being enjoyable for everybody but as in doing it like everybody else does it (which isn't really the case, but many people tend to make it look to others as if they all had perfect Christmases). And now her son's partner doesn't play her part of that perfect Christmas perfectly... That may be quite an issue for her because it may remind her of what went wrong for herself and her partner. Just an idea, possibly not what's going on in her case, but it could be.
oktanol said:Not sure why this is, think for me it's emotionally all a bit too much when being in the middle of it, whereas looking at it from outside is less emotional and therefore leaves more capacity for predicting how others will receive it etc
Oh my dear Oktanol....I dispense words of stupidity, flippancy, emotionality and wisdom....but I never take my own advice....it travels outwards...but I never hear it! x
when you are indeed caught in the centre of a storm....you can't always see the clouds and the rain, or even the blue skies that are on the horizon
I sincerely hope it all works out for you. And I hope she's actually nothing like my sister-in-law. With her, such a text would be seen as a victory - and it would be used against me at some other point. She probably wouldn't apologise, though - because she would see nothing to apologise for. Her daughter is exactly the same. She upset me once - speaking completely out of turn, and extremely rudely to me - so I snapped back at her. Later, I texted her to apologise. Never got a response or any other kind of acknowledgement. Again, she probably saw my apology and saw it as a victory - and a vindication of her own awful behaviour.
Sorry to hear you're having a tough time,. I've decided to get it over and done with and sent a text to her. I haven't received a reply yet. I'm hoping she expresses regret at upsetting me and we can all move on
The woman in question sounds a lot like my sister-in-law, who's a narcissist. Over the years, she's progressively distanced my brother from his natural children (from his first marriage) and from me. I don't think that even she dared to try to distance him from our mother - although, having said that, he didn't see her that often (in spite of living 10 minutes away), and he always did things (including Christmas) with her family.
Now that mum is sadly no longer with us, I have no reason to maintain any contact with them. He's still trying to be friendly, but it all feels like a pretence. I've told him, because of the circumstances, that I'm not doing Christmas this year (I always spent Christmas with mum). Instead of spending money on cards and gifts (most of which will probably end up in charity shops, anyway), I'm making donations to some of mum's favoured charities. It's clear, from an email he sent me yesterday, that she disagrees with this - at least, I could hear her disapproval, reading between the lines of what he said. She's used to things being done her way. She's used to imposing rules and codes of conduct. For too many years now, we've kowtowed to her and the way she thinks things ought to be done. She even tried to take control of the funeral arrangements for mum. And there was a lot of talk from her about 'families do this' and 'families do that' - as if, with the disruption she's created, she's the world expert on how families should behave!
Well... basically, this year, she can think and do whatever she likes. The time has come to stop kowtowing to her. I'm no longer feeding the beast.
Yeah, same here oktanol. I said at the beginning that I didn’t know how to respond, because I would have written the same things. It was only when I read Eli’s comment that something clicked and I was able to see it from a different perspective. I don’t handle emotions well. Most of the time I don’t even recognise them and when they get too much, I simply want to die. I feel emotions intensely but I might not always know what they’re about. I think, as you suggested, when it’s not about us, we are more able to see the situation more clearly. This is why this community is such a great place for us because as you said, we all knew that NAS24859 was coming from a good place and didn’t mean to be insulting, far from it, but we could see that it could be received that way.
Thanks again. I’ve made very small tweaks but in all honesty I’m pretty happy with the letter now. I’d like to amend the last paragraph to something more friendly but have to be honest and I really don’t want to be friendly with her right now. It currently reads:
“I would like to maintain a relationship with you. As such, I hope that you can find a way to accept who I am when I am not masking the difficulties I experience and that you can adopt a kinder more positive approach.”
The OH was happy with v.1 of the letter and felt I should send that. He’s agrees that if I don’t let her know how her behaviour impacts on me then she isn’t being given the opportunity to change and I could be put in this situation again and again.
Although I’m happy with the letter I’m also conscious that one of the reasons I wanted my diagnosis was that I can easily annoy NTs and I have no idea why. But then should I really care when his mum doesn't care who she offends? I’d be quite happy to send the OH to these functions and stay at home. My concern is that he’ll eventually become annoyed with me due to inevitable backlash that will come from his mother.
This morning I was considering writing her a short text just letting her know that her behaviour on Friday really upset me. I think that’ll end up in more back and forth and the letter might be the safest option. Plus, his mum likes sending letters when her family’s annoyed her so it is a communication method she feels comfortable with.
NAS24859 said:My OH is really close to his family so I'm scared that he’s going to listen to his mother’s prejudices and leave me. I'm scared he’ll leave if his mum doesn’t like me. We’re meant to be buying a house together and getting engaged this year. If he goes I’ll constantly be on my own apart from when I go out to work. I’m a teacher so my job is incredibly draining. If I tell her the full extent of things, which might help her understand ASD, it means she'll know I've often had suicidal feelings due to having to socialise and interact with people on a regular basis. I can’t see her wanting her son to go out with some like that.
That sort of thinking seems rather familiar to me... Can you get some reassurance from your partner on that? Otherwise that fear is going to make it even harder to cope with the other things that need dealing with. I've run into a lot of trouble asking for reassurance though because people felt offended by what I could imagine them to do (even when they did exactly that later, but obviously this was because I made it happen, incredible how much power over their decisions I apparently had), so I'm not saying this is necessarily a good idea. But if you can get some reassurance this would probably help.