Good news :-)

A  couple of weeks ago I came clean with my work coach at the job centre (universal credit). I told her a little bit of what life is really like for me just now and she just stopped and stared right at me, and said ‘you need help’.

She called off the job search and said before I can even think about work, I need some help. She sprang into action, got the manager of the job centre involved, and made a referral to the local community wellbeing team, part of social services. And she was on their case, calling them when after a few days I hadn’t heard from them. They assured her they’d be in touch.

Today (written two days ago) the wellbeing officer called round and WoW, just WoW, I’m blown away.

I’ve had 50 years of doctors and therapists and other professionals, telling me that although they could see that I needed help, they didn’t know how to help me. I began to believe that it wasn’t possible for somebody to help me, but I’ve been proven wrong.

The woman (wellbeing officer) who admitted she knew little about autism, was amazing. She is exactly what I need and she’s going to be providing me with weekly support. She was so good.

She even realised that I would find it difficult to phone her if I needed to contact her so she said I could message her instead. She was so good. I can hardly believe this is happening.

Yesterday I had a huge row with my dad. He was basically saying I’m putting it on, that there’s nothing wrong with me. This upset me, but at the same time, while we were arguing, I was being me, which delighted me, as I’ve been suppressing myself for such a long time.

I haven’t argued with my dad, like that, for years, because I’ve been suppressing myself and while I’m not saying I’m going to keep on arguing with him, I was glad that I was able to be me, even if it wasn’t in a good way.

The wellbeing officer also said something which made me understand the situation better which gave me enormous empathy for my dad, which replaced the anger, sadness and frustration.

I’m finally learning to be in this world, even if I’m not of it. I can see I’m going to make mistakes, but I can accept that now, now that I’m finally getting the support I need.

It’s all baby steps but I’m going to turn this experience into a positive one. I’m going to set up a group for autistic adults and find ways to get all of our needs met in ways that provide us with a life we can be proud of and happy with, as well as getting our voices heard and spreading awareness. I think I can still run my business along side of that as well but all of this is in the future. I’m learning to let go of any attachment to all these plans and ideas, and I’m going to let them happen in their own time and in their own way.

For now, I’m going to give myself time and space to process and come to terms with my diagnosis. I’m going to look after me and build a solid foundation and allow that to blossom into ways in which I can help other people in my situation and somehow start a dialogue in which to educate people about autism and gain acceptance for us all. I have no idea how that will pan out and I’m not even going to think about it just now. I’m going to come to terms with the diagnosis and what that means for me and take it from there.

I’m beginning to realise, that this diagnosis is life changing. It’s positive and there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with being autistic but I have to look at life in a whole different light. From an autistic perspective and not an nt perspective and I believe I can build some semblance of a life which works for me. We all deserve that. And if I can do it, I’ll do what I can to help others. That’s always been my greatest wish, to help others. But first, I need to help me. That sounds weird! But it’s got to be done. No more masking and passing for me. I’m going to re-learn to be me, and hopefully in a nice way .