Not sure what to do

Hi Robert123,

Writing does help as I find I can communicate better this way, but at the same time venting only achieves so much.  I appreciate I need to make some changes, I'm just not sure what to do for the best at the moment.  Don't know about you, but when you have to make a big decision, I have to run through all the possible scenarios and outcomes in great detail, which although very helpful at times, can be completely overwhelming in these situations.

From your other posts, you clearly have a lot going on as well.

The fact you have seeked helped is a major step, I just hope you get the help you need.  If self-employed is something you would like to do, are there any part-time jobs that could provide a bit of an income whilst you get yourself established?  Not sure what your skills are, but wondered if you could contribute these is a job that gives you the flexibility to develop your own business?

I had to get my head down last night and just try and rest, which has helped, but I am left with that weighing feeling over me this morning.  The one where problems don't go away and sit with you.

As you have all said we have all experienced these problems at stages in our lives, which is why I find it so frustrating that there is no system in place to support us in times of need to stop us getting to crisis level.

I don't receive any benefits and never hand done.  I was section at 19 where I had tried to do the right thing a year previous and got a mortgage on a house (was manipulated into this situation and strung along - that's another story!).  Even when I was in hospital after a suicide attempt and was being held against my will, there was no help or support to help me at least contribute towards the mortgage and stop my house being repossessed.

All I kept being told was:

1 - You own your own home so there is no support to help pay for that

2 - You were fired from your last job as a result of being unfit for work and you are not seeking work (I was sectioned) so can't claim job seekers

3 - You are not disabled so cannot claim disability allowance

4 - Can your parents pay the bills (yes seriously!)

5 - Wait until you are in X amount of debt and then claim bankruptcy or sell your home

All of the above did not help my situation and would have just caused further problems.

As I have said in previous posts, we are all people who want to thrive in life and do our best, so why is it there are so many systems that are rigged against us or help is always too late to offer support when when we need it most?  I am ranting and going off topic now, so back to the point.

I'm not sure about current benefits as I have been told I am very high functioning - so can cook, clean, go to work etc.  What those who would be assessing me would not see is the level or procedures and regimes in place that I must follow to achieve these.  If any of them go out of kilter, then I am a mess and struggle.  So on the surface it appears I am doing just fine, but most people don't see the effort and forward planning involved in just getting by.   

On my health in general, I used to exercise regularly, but haven't for months now and I am aware I have become very unfit.  I become tired very easily from just walking and feel exhausted all the time.  Again this comes back down to my procedures not being permitted or I cannot see them through to ensure I plan and cook my meals in a certain way to ensure I eat healthy.  Being so exhausted has resulted in me doing no exercise, but I am trying to go for walks when I can and want to get back into cycling.

I am taking vitamins and should probably invest more in my personal care such as soaks in the bath etc.  This is something I will have to look into.

Sometimes I wish I could literally stop the world and get off for a bit so I can just get my head together and have a rest from it all.

Jeez, number 3 ~ suggesting you get a driving job!!! WTF!!! I totally relate Robert, I recently went to court for eviction but managed to not get evicted but trying to keep up with all the bills etc is not easy; however, so far so good. 

Self employement is the way to go for me, but as you said, this takes time, and dealing with all this *** in the meantime, doesn’t make that an easy option and it’s not an immediate one. 

They told me, all excited and beside themselves, that I could do work experience in the job centre!!! Again, WTF, they’re not listening to me, what part of that did they think would be helpful to me!?!?!?!?

Anyway, hang in there. Are you receiving PIP? 

I hope that by writing on this forum helps you to  get things of your chest and to relive some of the stress.  It does for me.

I can emphasise with many of the problems people are having here.

My life is also a mess.  I am getting help.  But the difference in opinions from people who are supposed to be helping me often makes it even more confusing and stressful.

I also have severe financial problems and am facing eviction and homelessness and being taken to court for non payment of various things. Like council tax, prescriptions, TV licence.  And dealing with all the bureaucracy is driving me mad at times.

I am not just unemployed but unemployable.  Problems include lack of suitable recent references,. Long gaps in my employment,. Long spells of ill health.  Three suicide attempts.  

Advisor 1. Suggests volunteering.  I need money urgently!

Advisor 2.  Has suggested self employment.  This is very long term.  I would need to build up a portfolio of work and business contacts over time.

Advisor 3. Has suggested completely unsuitable jobs.  Such as in a care home.  And driving ( I don't have a driving licence).  

Advisor 4. Usless, just checks if I do 35hours of job related activities each week to get my universal credit.

Sorry for hijacking your thread Starbuck.

Starbuck said:

It could be down to things like time of year etc, but I feel much worse today to the point I nearly walked out of my job and I am having suicidal thoughts.  I won't act upon them, but the fact that I am having them is challenging when I am already feeling ground down.

Consider perhaps the following information on a stress hormone called Cortisol:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201301/cortisol-why-the-stress-hormone-is-public-enemy-no-1

On account of which it is useful to drink at least three or four litres of water a day, take a high strength vitamin C supplement (anti-oxidant), take multi-vitamin supplementation, and repopulate you gut bacteria colonies (with an advanced multi-strain formula product such as Bio-Kult) check following link:

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/01/170123094638.htm

To assist in the detox, try also taking Activated Charcoal capsules for the internal workings, and for the external workings doing twice-weekly long hot soak bathing with 250-500 grammes of Epsom (or mineral) salts and 400-600 of Bicarbonate of Soda mixed in to leach out acid and restore PH ~ along with a hand full of Magnesium flakes can be useful too.

You are both brave women. Too tired to contribute further today 

OMG I thought I was reading a post that I had written, until you said you go to work. I am no longer able to do that and slowly, but surely, I am also, no longer willing to do work that doesn’t serve me.

I too was unable to ask for help, I didn’t know how to ask or what to say, I didn’t know what help I needed or who to turn to, and nobody has been able to help me in the past, so I didn’t really have any confidence in asking for help. 

However, my back is against the wall, and as such, I am now asking for help (in a weird way), and I’m getting it. 

I need financial support, over the next year, to enable me to get myself out of this burnout/shut down and to enable me to begin to understand myself better and get the help I need to move to where I want to be. Which is working for myself. I refuse to allow my perceived intelligence to get in the way of me getting the support I need anymore, because not only do I think I can’t handle another burnout, I also don’t want to put myself through it. I’m not saying that I think that I’ll never have melt downs or that I won’t always have to take life at a slower pace, but I believe I can find a way to meet all my needs, without me having to wear a mask and force myself into a box that wasn’t built for me. 

I’m suprised by how much support I’m getting and how many others are out there in this situation. I trust this week off work will bring some measure of clarity for you as to what to do. Remember you have to look after yourself, because nobody else will, but when we start reaching out, holding our hands up and saying enough’s enough, magic starts to happen. It’s lile I surrendered to it and now, I’m slowly making progress towards getting the support I need to be able to get by in this world. I need a leg up, and I admit it and I’m open and receptive to the support. 

You’re defnitelty not alone. There are many of us out there, in this situation. They still say autism is ‘mysterious’ and it’s almost like we’re the first wave of adults who are showing up, needing support, and no one quite knows what to do. I figure, they’re not going to know unless we tell them. However, I have experienced a lot of financial hardship due to my inability to work, and a lot of other hardships, but it has all been worth it because I am no longer willing to wear the mask, for anyone. Very few people understand this, but people in the autism community do and even if our experiences are different, we still understand each other. I feel like I’m experiencing short term pain for long term gain. I’ve got a goal and I’m not going to let anyone or anything prevent me from achieving it. 

Hang in there. You’re stronger than you think and you’ve done the hard part, by taking that first step to reach out. Be true to you and this will all work out. 

Thanks Misfit61 and I didn't mean to overlook your previous post, I've just been too distracted to focus and respond.  I'm sorry to hear about your mum and it sounds like you have been through a lot.

I think I do need a break of sorts, but my experience of where I work currently is that if you go off sick and it is mental health related, then you are slowly isolated and pushed out of the company.  It's not right, but I also know it won't change any time soon.

My partner has suggested looking at going freelance doing something I am good at, but money will be painfully tight so I don't know how we will manage that and I also don't want to be a burden on my partner as a result.

It's frustrating that some days I can seem to achieve great things, yet other days getting out of bed and just functioning is a massive task in itself.  The world is not setup for this level of inconsistency.

I now have a week off work so some time to recover and reassess things, but I doubt I will come to any concrete conclusions by the end of the week.  I too am now rambling!

Hello Starbuck Just wanted to say hello and acknowledge what you have written. A downward spiral is difficult to cope with. When I was continually really low for months at a time someone introduced me to Christopher Germer mindfulness which gave me some comfort 

https://chrisgermer.com/meditations/

we have posted together several times so you already know I have been through burnouts and shutdowns etc also struggling to keep going through various jobs then sinking. Usually I have managed to pick myself up and start again but each time there is a longer period before I can get restarted again. It’s been a long stretch this time but that has included all 3 of my Nd diagnoses and fibromyalgia and illness in my family so not surprising really. I know that having a job makes life seem more “normal “ , it offers a routine, contribution to society, interest for ourselves, a means to live etc and so to be without work does seem not quite right but maybe, if you can, a period of time to catch up with yourself isn’t such a bad thing. It’s trying to balance out what is a priority for you and your life with what you can comfortably manage without making your health suffer. We get to the point where our thoughts and expectations are chasing round in our heads and as you have said can’t see a way out or forward.. it does seem as though you do need a break of some sort to recover some energy. I’m tired and rambling but just wanted you to know you’re not alone 

It could be down to things like time of year etc, but I feel much worse today to the point I nearly walked out of my job and I am having suicidal thoughts.  I won't act upon them, but the fact that I am having them is challenging when I am already feeling ground down.

I hope it does pass, it's just that I can't see a way out of this situation that I am in and I don't have the energy or capacity to deal with it.  I also can't verbally ask for help either and I wouldn't know who to turn to if I could do this.

Dont give up :) 

Hello Starbuck,

I was diagnosed as autistic in my late twenties and have just joined the forum so this is my first post! I felt compelled to comment as I too feel like everything is overwhelming. Due to my perceived 'intelligence' people ascribe an enormous amount of expectation to me and somehow imagin that because I am reasonably eloquent, I must be capable of incredible things. I find also the weight of expectation appears to be drastically increased by my being (as you are) a woman. 

Often I have these periods of melancholy & the subsequent fatigue. This is when I force myself to do the opposite of what my mind is telling me to do. Where I feel a wave of sinking negativity and wish to seek reassurance instead I commit to paper a list of things I have achieved. This may sound a trivial solution and unlikely to address the underlying cause but it will alleviate it. I promise. Moreover, I often find that ASD individuals forget the previous reassurances they have had from people and cannot bring them to the fore when they are feeling anxious. This is why you need to write them down and defer to them in a time of crisis. 

Also remember that the time of year is partially culpable due to lack of sunlight etc. I expect that even neuro typical people without our issues suffer lack of motivation. 

Anyway; I do hope that you will be feeling better soon, always remember that it passes even though it doesn't seem like it now. 

Hi Starbuck,

I can identify with so much of what you say here.  Just recently, I have felt like my vitality is slowly ebbing out of me.  Work is a distraction more than anything else.  And then I come home and can't be bothered to do any of the things that I used to look forward to: reading, writing, watching films.  Having lost my mother in April, I also feel increasingly that I have lost a huge part of my life's purpose.  I've given up on trying to get medical help, because - medication aside - there doesn't seem to be much out there.  My GP can sympathise and make suggestions, but that's about it.  At 58, I'm beginning to feel just completely exhausted.  I don't really look forward to anything - except having a drink, and sleeping.  I try to maintain my physical fitness, but I've lost the enthusiasm and impulsion I once had for it.  I drink too much, don't always eat very well, seek escape whenever I can.  I keep trying to enthuse myself by reading, or doing some writing or artwork.  But a large part of me keeps saying 'What for?'

Sorry... it's not much help to you, I know.  But I feel very strongly that I know where you're at.

Try to keep talking, at least.  Take things a day at a time.  I'd like to say things like 'this too shall pass'... but when they're said to me, it just feels patronising.  It probably does to you, too.

Take care, anyway.

Tom