The best way to describe how my life feels at the moment is overwhelming.
My health and ability to cope with things has been deteriorating slowly over time and this is nothing unusual; I go through these phases and have done throughout my life.
What is different now is that everything seems so much more intense and the standard I have to work to are much higher. I can't get away with having a bad day or even bad month as nothing slows or stops to accommodate it. I am now a mature woman and as such, people expect me to tolerate and cope with the toils of life, but in fact I still struggle as I did back in my teens, just I hide it better.
As described in other posts, I have been back to my GP as a result of sensory issues and having shutdowns at work and I was told I would be referred to a specialist and would hear within 7 days etc. That was over a month ago...
My referral has been rejected twice already due to the facilities it has been referred to not being capable of dealing with 'my type of case'. Meanwhile it has now been referred to somewhere else and I am told to give it more time and be patient. That's all well and great when you are in a fit state to deal with everything. Why is it medical experts don't seem to realise time is not on your side in these situations as you are sliding faster down a slippery slope that becomes much harder to climb back up again. Also, instead of being referred for sensory issues, I have been referred for a mental health assessment. I am confused and flabbergasted by the whole thing.
As a result I am left feeling like I am trying to drastically hold onto sand that is slowly slipping through my fingers.
There are other personal factors that have probably contributed to how I am feeling and reacting as well, but the main issue is that I am now just functioning as in getting up and going to work and that has been hit and miss on occasions. My routines that I so strongly rely on to make sure I eat and eat healthy as well as keep my house clean and tidy, I can no longer achieve or even comprehend, which is only heightening my stress levels - I must follow these routines in order to feel calm and in control. My self-care has also lapsed and everything seems a massive chore. Even my special interests just seem too much to even think about or get actively involved in. To make matters worse, my partner is also going through a bad time, so he has his own battles to fight without having to deal with mine.
I am aware I am having an intense period of emotions and that they are bad, but I cannot differentiate what they are or even as to why I am feeling them or what lead me to this point. Not seeing the wood for the trees could be a possible issue.
Either way, I now don't know what to do.
I have no one to turn to and even if I did, I don't know what I would say or do as I cannot express myself verbally in these situations.
To summarise, I am tired and I know it is only a matter of time before I roll over and give in because I can't battle on any more. This is why I get so frustrated that everything surrounding mental health is based on time and the infinite amount of it apparently.
I am normally a good problem solver, but I can't see a way out of this one and that is what troubles me the most.
I hope that by writing on this forum helps you to get things of your chest and to relive some of the stress. It does for me.
I can emphasise with many of the problems people are having here.
My life is also a mess. I am getting help. But the difference in opinions from people who are supposed to be helping me often makes it even more confusing and stressful.
I also have severe financial problems and am facing eviction and homelessness and being taken to court for non payment of various things. Like council tax, prescriptions, TV licence. And dealing with all the bureaucracy is driving me mad at times.
I am not just unemployed but unemployable. Problems include lack of suitable recent references,. Long gaps in my employment,. Long spells of ill health. Three suicide attempts.
Advisor 1. Suggests volunteering. I need money urgently!
Advisor 2. Has suggested self employment. This is very long term. I would need to build up a portfolio of work and business contacts over time.
Advisor 3. Has suggested completely unsuitable jobs. Such as in a care home. And driving ( I don't have a driving licence).
Advisor 4. Usless, just checks if I do 35hours of job related activities each week to get my universal credit.
Sorry for hijacking your thread Starbuck.
Jeez, number 3 ~ suggesting you get a driving job!!! WTF!!! I totally relate Robert, I recently went to court for eviction but managed to not get evicted but trying to keep up with all the bills etc is not easy; however, so far so good.
Self employement is the way to go for me, but as you said, this takes time, and dealing with all this *** in the meantime, doesn’t make that an easy option and it’s not an immediate one.
They told me, all excited and beside themselves, that I could do work experience in the job centre!!! Again, WTF, they’re not listening to me, what part of that did they think would be helpful to me!?!?!?!?
Anyway, hang in there. Are you receiving PIP?
Writing does help as I find I can communicate better this way, but at the same time venting only achieves so much. I appreciate I need to make some changes, I'm just not sure what to do for the best at the moment. Don't know about you, but when you have to make a big decision, I have to run through all the possible scenarios and outcomes in great detail, which although very helpful at times, can be completely overwhelming in these situations.
From your other posts, you clearly have a lot going on as well.
The fact you have seeked helped is a major step, I just hope you get the help you need. If self-employed is something you would like to do, are there any part-time jobs that could provide a bit of an income whilst you get yourself established? Not sure what your skills are, but wondered if you could contribute these is a job that gives you the flexibility to develop your own business?