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Friendships???

DinoMitePink

I do not understand how friendships work. 

I have just started a new job and I really like one of my new colleagues who is the same age as me and is waiting to be diagnosed with autism. I get on with her really well at work and I have even pushed myself to go to social events outside of work with a group of colleagues which is very outside my comfort zone. We seem to get on really well at work and even at these events but then when I try and message her she ghosts me. I dont understand how to pursue a friendship in less of a group setting and more a one-on-one friend. Like I feel annoying and like I am bothering her because maybe she doesnt want to message me and doesnt see me in that way, so should I just accept she doesnt want that type of friendship and give up or could it be becuase she is autistic and struggling too in a different way I dont relate to?? I dont know if I should just slowly build up the friendship over the group events we both attend but then I also feel like in these events I am clinging to her in desperation in the hopes she will like me. Another thing I feel is jealousy kind of like I get upset when I see she has replied to someone in the group or messaged someone else privately whilst still ignoring me. Like it makes me feel stupid and small because I am just waiting on this hope of a friendship that maybe isnt even coming because she doesnt like me. It feels like I just get disappointed when I see her message other people because I dont feel good enough, like why cant it be me that has a friend? What is so wrong with me ? 

Also whilst we are out in these group settings I feel like everyone gets on and I am actually having a good time but then there's certain people who pull faces at other people or come to me privately to talk bad about someone else in the group and I just don't get it. I just feel so self-conscious and cant help wonder what do these people actually think of me. I dont understand how to navigate that either because I don't want to distance myself in fear of them talking about me but it is really negatively affecting my mental health. I am second guessing everything I do and say and sometimes I shamefully join in in the bad talking about the other people and I feel horrendous because that isnt the type of person I want to be but Im just trying to fit in. 

I really do not understand how to make and maintain a friendship because Im trying my best to put effort in but then Im just worried Im being annoying and Im really paranoid. I am anxious all the time constantly overthinking why I dont have any friends and why I cant make a friend. I just feel like being diagnosed with autism answered a lot of my questions but then also opened up so many more. Why is it so difficult to make friends?

  • Hey, I think I would potentially ease off a little. If she's autistic, it can be a bit overwhelming if you are trying to force a friendship she might not be ready for. If she's not wanting to reply directly to you, give her time. If she decides to she will, otherwise I think that's a sign that you leave her be for a while and take away the expectations.

    I think friendships are reciprocal when you both want to message. Maybe just keep it to work and general group messaging. I really wouldn't put her on the spot about it, as if she gets fright/flight you may end up not only losing the chance at friendship but making it awkward and difficult. If she feels you are high demand, it might be more 'spoons'/social battery than she can manage?

    I also just want to agree with you, I don't like it when someone is moaning about someone else either, it feels awkward and I'm not sure how to react, to make them feel listened to but not necessarily agree with them. 

    Anyway, I hope it works out, sometimes less is more and can allow room for friendship to grow slowly. Try not to be jealous, as that's not healthy in a friendship either if you really want to be a good friend that is!

    Best of luck!

  • HI DinoMitePink,

    Thank you for sharing.  I am sorry to hear that you are finding it tricky to navigate this friendship.  It sounds like its quite upsetting for you at times.

    Our lovely community members will be able to share lots of helpful advice I am sure.  In the meantime you may find our webpage on Making friends - a guide for autistic adults useful.  

    I hope this helps.

    Suzanne Mod

  • DinoMitePink said:
    I dont understand how to pursue a friendship in less of a group setting and more a one-on-one friend.

    Is she is potentially autistic then she may well have the same social interaction skill barriers as yourself, or even an aversion to social interactions so I would consider being direct and ask her if it is something she would be interested in.

    If you are overthinking about things already then imagine the pressure if your relationship takes a bad turn - possible for loads of reasons.

    Work friendships are tricky as you have to be in the same environment as the person a lot and if things become awkward then there is no way to escape. I found it best to keep a distance at work for this reason and keep connections as a colleague but not a close friend.

    Just my opinion of course.

  • I've asked myself a lot of the same questions and it sounds a lot like a voluntary job I had a few years ago. Right from the personal ignoring of me even down to talking to me privately just to smacktalk someone else. I once heard the chairman bad mouth the secretary who in turn bad mouthed the manager who bad mouthed the media man and presumably the media man badmouthed me! That was all within an hour!

    To be honest it's bit of a dichotomy because I think a lot of people (especially in what'd be deemed more "blue collar" jobs opposed to professions)  don't really want to get close friendships from workplaces. That's just the vibe I've got over the years anyway. And then again in more specialist fields a lot of people will more want to network opposed to form deep platonic bonds.

    The only thing I can say is, and I know it sounds cliche but sometimes it's "all in our heads" a bit? Like, I overthink everything and always worry I've annoyed, offended or angered someone when in reality I haven't. Sometimes I've worried people are ignoring but they've had valid reasons to not catch up. 

    That said, this job and the environment does sound really, really toxic.

  • tell her some embarrassing things you did or happened to you and laugh about it but like not too weird thing just like normal embarrassing thing not s**ual like that's what I do I overshare but then again, it depends on people. and you should subtly tell her that you like her but don't be all serious and direct and if she doesn't like you, she will give you sign that she doesn't want you.