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ASD & not wanting to do things / struggling in friendships & relationships

h0n3y

Hi,

So I've always struggled with socialising and having friends, mainly because of anxiety and anything that I wouldn't normally do seems terrifying to me. In order for me to feel okay in someone's presence, I have to trust them completely and know them really well. Even then, I don't like going out at all really (when all of my friends go clubbing, to concerts, on holidays etc.)

I used to think it was just an anxiety thing but now I think it's more related to my autism and the fact I need control and consistency in my routines, predictability, and that I'm very introverted and a private person. It's never bothered me too much, but I'm 20 now and have never been in a relationship, never really had close friendships because I avoid them, and I don't let people get close to me. 

I also am not sure if this I just me or if anyone else can relate but I have a thing where I don't like the 'feel' of particular people and places. My life revolves around this and it's for this reason that I have to stick so rigidly to my routines. I have to rewatch the same programs, go to the same places, see the same people, etc. at particular times to immerse myself into the right 'feel'. I don't know how else to describe it, other than everything being wrong and completely shifting, I can't stand it. This happens whenever I meet someone new and have to be around them a lot, or when I have to be in a new place (or somewhere that I don't like the 'feel' of. It's almost painful and unbearable, all I want to do is get as far away from it as possible. I'm not sure if anyone will know what I'm going on about because I've never heard anyone else talk about it! But it really does control my life, and it doesn't feel like an anxiety thing- ive had it my whole life and it's kind of an inbuilt response. 

Anyway, I just don't know what to do or how to fix the way I am? Part of me wants to be the kind of person to go out (although I find it almost impossible to be in groups of people - I just go silent and end up feeling even more alone & isolated), go to concerts etc. but any time I try to push myself to do things out of my comfort zone I absolutely hate it because its not what I really want to do. But I feel like im wasting my life and not doing what im supposed to be doing. I also don't drink so everyone treats me like a child.

It really gets in the way of me forming relationships etc because people leave when they realise im actually very boring (despite appearing like I would do those things), or they are just a bit disappointed. I'm not sure how I will ever be able to be in a relationship when I am like this.

Does anyone have any suggestions, or can anyone else relate?

Thank you 

Parents
  • h0n3y said:
    I think it's more related to my autism and the fact I need control and consistency in my routines,

    Have you considered WHY you feel you need to control your routines?

    Is it for comfort or fear of what happens when things get unpredictable. When did this start - was there a trauma that led to you building this as a defence for example?

    For many autists it is to create safety and predictability to avoid an situation that happened in the past. The principle is that you can avoid the bad thing by always doing things exactly the same, but reality constantly throws little spanners in the works and this just ending up making you stressed.

    My understanding is that a therapist would typically look back at these historical traumas and "unpack" them in order to understand them, examine them in calm retrospect and work on ways of taking away their power over you so you feel less need to create this structure of protection.

    That therapist really needs to understand autism for this to work though.

    The habit we have of avoiding looking too closely at these historical traumas makes us poor candidates to do both sides of the analysis solo though and this can sometimes compound the issue so please don't try it alone.

    If you can navigate that process it should make it much easier to deal with the other aspects of life that you talk about here - it will never be all unicorns and rainbows as autism has many facets, but it should remove some of the roadblocks that have been put in the way of normal activities.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you, Iain :) Again, this is so so helpful

    I have always felt I need to control my routines, but I think it's for both comfort and out of fear of what will happen if I don't, like you said. I don't think there was any trauma that triggered this- I've always been anxious & had OCD tendencies since I was really young. I'm an only child, so maybe that's got something to do with it, along with being a naturally anxious person + ASD. I think maybe I had quite a few situations in school early on where I felt very anxious and that I didn't have control, but I was never able to identify or express how I felt, so I just learned ways to manage it (through controlling my environment). 

    I will look into therapists that specialise in autism- thank you for the advice! 

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  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you, Iain :) Again, this is so so helpful

    I have always felt I need to control my routines, but I think it's for both comfort and out of fear of what will happen if I don't, like you said. I don't think there was any trauma that triggered this- I've always been anxious & had OCD tendencies since I was really young. I'm an only child, so maybe that's got something to do with it, along with being a naturally anxious person + ASD. I think maybe I had quite a few situations in school early on where I felt very anxious and that I didn't have control, but I was never able to identify or express how I felt, so I just learned ways to manage it (through controlling my environment). 

    I will look into therapists that specialise in autism- thank you for the advice! 

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