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Help with autism and relationships!

h0n3y

Hi,

So basically there’s this guy that I’ve known for a couple of years now. When we first met we got on really well but I wasn’t really sure what kind of relationship we had and what he wanted. I was afraid of committing, and very insecure and otherwise engaged with mental health problems, so I texted him to say I wasn’t looking to be in a relationship. I felt really guilty as I thought maybe I’d led him on? But he was so understanding and nice about it. We talked on and off for the next couple of years. I have to really get to know someone before I feel able to let them into my life, because for me it’s like there’s such an intense shift whenever I meet someone new, especially if I’m around them a lot. But he was always patient with me and gently encouraged me to tell him how I felt.

I was really unhappy for a long time at uni and kind of blocked every emotion out. I felt numb and disconnected, and guilty for just existing - when I feel like this I isolate myself and stop reaching out to people because I feel like such a burden. As a result, we didn’t really talk much, although when we eventually did it felt natural and I’ve always felt comfortable with him.

Recently I’ve realised that I think I have feelings for him. I think before, I tried to convince myself I didn’t, and I wouldn’t let myself like him or let him close because I’m so afraid of letting him down and losing myself. But at the same time, I can't really tell because I never know what I'm feeling. I can't decide whether I tried to convince myself I didn't like him before because I was afraid of letting him down; or whether I only like him now because he makes me feel seen and understood, which otherwise never happens. Sometimes I feel like I love him and feel so connected to him, but other times not at all and I don't like that it's not consistent. Part of me thinks he's not the right person for me and I worry I'll lose myself if we are together. When someone likes me and if I feel even the smallest amount of pressure from them, I feel like an animal being hunted and I want to get as far away as possible

The thing is, I don’t trust myself a lot of the time because my mood fluctuates so much, and I have no control over it whatsoever. I want to be everything he deserves but I’m worried incase I can’t do that for him. I’m very independent and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want him to take it personally if I want to be alone, but I would feel so much guilt for not wanting to see him. I’m so particular, and I feel it’s unreasonable for me to have so many boundaries in a relationship. I would feel guilty if I felt he was putting in more effort into the relationship than me - and what if I’m depressed again and physically can’t put in any more effort? 

My autism affects every aspect of my relationships and friendships - I have very rigid routines and rules that I worry come across as me being controlling or uptight- lots of people take it personally or think I'm boring. But when I feel pressured to do something, or when I can't stick to my routines etc. then I feel so anxious and that I've almost lost myself and all the structure to my life.

I can't work out if someone is manipulating me so I have difficulty trusting people. I don't know how I feel about other people unless the emotion is extremely intense. 

Anyway, he likes me a lot (which I didn't really realise) and has done for the past 2 years. It seems like he would do anything for me, but I don't know if he could genuinely keep that up. I think honestly he deserves someone that is more similar to him, wants to go out and do things and is able to consistently put in effort with him. He is very empathetic and is really good at understanding me and how I feel, but I can't seem to reciprocate it. When he's upset I don't know how to respond & I can't always empathise if I don't fully understand why, because I can't for the life of me 'put myself in other peoples shoes' and he's a bit disappointed with me for that. I know if I tried to explain this, he would say it's okay and he's happy to be patient with me. So I really don't know what to do. I'm afraid of leading him on only to realise that I don't love him, I just like the fact he understands me and is patient. But at the same time, he has so many qualities I love about him. he treats me well and we are similar in lots of ways. we both have high standards and are serious about relationships. 

Anyway, im sorry for the very long essay ! I was just wondering if anyone had any advice? or how to tell whether you really love someone?

Parents

  • Hello there h0n3y, there is a lot in that post but I'll respond to a few bits while I have the time:

    h0n3y said:
     I’m very independent and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want him to take it personally if I want to be alone, but I would feel so much guilt for not wanting to see him.

    Tell him this. Have a pre-nuptual agreement of sorts to let him know what he could be letting himself get into. Worst case you get to say "it isn't working for me" and back out while saving face and he knew what he was walking into.

    h0n3y said:
    I have very rigid routines and rules

    Think carefully about this. You did not always have these - you grew into them so you can grow into different ones. Some are probably worth the discomfort of change because do you really want to do what you are now for the next 6 decades of your life?

    h0n3y said:
    when I feel pressured to do something, or when I can't stick to my routines etc. then I feel so anxious and that I've almost lost myself and all the structure to my life.

    I would recommend counselling or therapy with someone who really understands autism. There are ways to manage the anxiety and cope better wth these stressers so it brings greater quality of life to have those skills.

    From how you write about him he seems to get you, like you, be patient with you and still be keen on getting to know you more. That adds up to a "nice guy" in most peoples books I think.

    I would recommend making sure he really gets to know the issues and risks that you forsee and ask him to modify his behaviour and be prepared for the relationship to be a slow one as you build confidence and adapt to the demands it makes on your routines.

    Think about it, life changed after school and will probably change after getting a job so life is in effect a series of changes and you have navigated them all and got to this stage, so to fear more is illogical. You have a track record of success so believe in yourself.

    Tha't all I have time for now - I guess I'm saying to give it a chance and try to look for the positives. Good luck.

  • in reply to Iain

    Hi Iain, thank you so much for all your advice, it is so so helpful and I really appreciate it.

    I am constantly trying to 'warn' him or put him off me by explaining my personality and the fact there are things I need to be a certain way, etc. but he is very accepting. In a way, I hoped that it would work in putting him off, because I'm now worried incase further down the line I realise I don't want to be in a relationship and then it will be my fault! I am so hesitant to pursue this and relationships in general because I know it will take a lot emotionally, which im not sure I have capacity for. It would only work if I was really really into the person (and I'm not sure whether or not I am!).

    You made a good point about not always having routines etc. - thank you, I hadn't considered it like that before. And yes I should probably look for a good counsellor or therapist that understands autism - I've had a look and they are so expensive and I'm a student so it's not really a viable option!

    I think he is a 'nice guy' , however after spending a much longer time with him, I realise his personality switches sometimes and he starts to lose patience with me a bit. It's as if he does eventually get frustrated with me for not being up for everything he is, and when I disagree with him and have my own opinion, or don't do what he wants (I am very much a people pleaser and basically just follow people around however I do feel able to be honest with him to an extent). It's not in a major way he gets annoyed but there's just a noticeable quietness like when in a kid is in a bad mood, for very little reason. Towards the start and end of when we meet, he's really distant and honestly seems like he doesn't want to be with me at all. His body language changes a lot for little to no reason and he seems like a completely different person. its like one minute he accepts me entirely and is lovely and it seems genuine but then he seems to get fed up and goes quiet and I can't understand what's wrong. (I do need to talk to him about this I realise but im not sure if it's all in my head!) But maybe he just goes quieter due to anxiety and im reading it wrong?

    And I still worry about him turning controlling, and he has openly admitted that he has struggled with this but says it's something he's worked on. I am probably overly wary of people though but im not sure what it would be like if we were actually together. 

    Anyway, im so sorry for the rant and for asking for yet more advice! please don't feel you have to respond. I am just panicking because we now see each other almost every day and im worried incase I realise I don't want to be with him. I feel a bit trapped because I can't have led him on twice! I feel obliged to stay with him and that I have to see him or be in contact with him all the time forever otherwise im a terrible person

  • in reply to h0n3y
    h0n3y said:
    I should probably look for a good counsellor or therapist that understands autism - I've had a look and they are so expensive and I'm a student so it's not really a viable option!

    Does the faculty where you are studying have a psychology dept? You could ask them if they offer any services - they sometimes will do student training sessions for the psychology students (typically one teacher, on student and you) where you can discounted or free therapy.

    h0n3y said:
    I still worry about him turning controlling, and he has openly admitted that he has struggled with this but says it's something he's worked on.

    This is where the pre-nuptual type agreement comes into it.

    If he has identifiable controlling behaviour and you can spot it, you need a way to raise this to him and have a time out while you talk it through.

    We all have our problems (you already have listed yours) so it seems only fair to allow him to work on his as well, so long as there are controls in place for you to feel safe. On balance he sounds great so in your shoes I would try to se if you can learn to live with his failings IF they do not cross any of your boundaries.

    h0n3y said:
    I am just panicking because we now see each other almost every day and im worried incase I realise I don't want to be with him.

    If you are 100% sure you don't want to be with him then best to tell him this and let him move on. If you are just worried there may be issues later then I would suggest some counselling at the least to talk about this.

    As autists many of us have a habit of catastrophising things (ie thinking the worst will happen) when all that is happening is a trauma response to a previous event. This is not always a sensible or logical response and it helps to try to rationalise it if you can to see if this is just a knee jerk response or if there is a realistic issue here.

    With things like his expectation of a fast response to texts, you can simply tell him "I'm not always free to respond immediately, don't be upset if I don't". No need to rationalise or explain, just set that boundary.

    Remember you are one half of this relationship and your needs are equally important to his so don't be afraid to advocate for yourself.

    If you are not comfortable moving forward then tell him this. He may move on, he may adapt to be exactly what you ask for or he may just keep waiting in the hope you change your mind.

    There is an old and very true saying about conventional relationships - women marry men expecting them to change and men marry women expecting them to remain the same. Both are often dissapointed. I would not expect the real nature of your partner to change so you may need to consider that there will be aspects of the relationship he can control to give this urge its outlet.

    Lastly, and possibly controvertially, remember that the chances of finding a perfect partner are almost nil. Relationships are mostly about compromise but you get to decide what you are willing to compromise on. 

Reply
  • in reply to h0n3y
    h0n3y said:
    I should probably look for a good counsellor or therapist that understands autism - I've had a look and they are so expensive and I'm a student so it's not really a viable option!

    Does the faculty where you are studying have a psychology dept? You could ask them if they offer any services - they sometimes will do student training sessions for the psychology students (typically one teacher, on student and you) where you can discounted or free therapy.

    h0n3y said:
    I still worry about him turning controlling, and he has openly admitted that he has struggled with this but says it's something he's worked on.

    This is where the pre-nuptual type agreement comes into it.

    If he has identifiable controlling behaviour and you can spot it, you need a way to raise this to him and have a time out while you talk it through.

    We all have our problems (you already have listed yours) so it seems only fair to allow him to work on his as well, so long as there are controls in place for you to feel safe. On balance he sounds great so in your shoes I would try to se if you can learn to live with his failings IF they do not cross any of your boundaries.

    h0n3y said:
    I am just panicking because we now see each other almost every day and im worried incase I realise I don't want to be with him.

    If you are 100% sure you don't want to be with him then best to tell him this and let him move on. If you are just worried there may be issues later then I would suggest some counselling at the least to talk about this.

    As autists many of us have a habit of catastrophising things (ie thinking the worst will happen) when all that is happening is a trauma response to a previous event. This is not always a sensible or logical response and it helps to try to rationalise it if you can to see if this is just a knee jerk response or if there is a realistic issue here.

    With things like his expectation of a fast response to texts, you can simply tell him "I'm not always free to respond immediately, don't be upset if I don't". No need to rationalise or explain, just set that boundary.

    Remember you are one half of this relationship and your needs are equally important to his so don't be afraid to advocate for yourself.

    If you are not comfortable moving forward then tell him this. He may move on, he may adapt to be exactly what you ask for or he may just keep waiting in the hope you change your mind.

    There is an old and very true saying about conventional relationships - women marry men expecting them to change and men marry women expecting them to remain the same. Both are often dissapointed. I would not expect the real nature of your partner to change so you may need to consider that there will be aspects of the relationship he can control to give this urge its outlet.

    Lastly, and possibly controvertially, remember that the chances of finding a perfect partner are almost nil. Relationships are mostly about compromise but you get to decide what you are willing to compromise on. 

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