Hi,
So basically there’s this guy that I’ve known for a couple of years now. When we first met we got on really well but I wasn’t really sure what kind of relationship we had and what he wanted. I was afraid of committing, and very insecure and otherwise engaged with mental health problems, so I texted him to say I wasn’t looking to be in a relationship. I felt really guilty as I thought maybe I’d led him on? But he was so understanding and nice about it. We talked on and off for the next couple of years. I have to really get to know someone before I feel able to let them into my life, because for me it’s like there’s such an intense shift whenever I meet someone new, especially if I’m around them a lot. But he was always patient with me and gently encouraged me to tell him how I felt.
I was really unhappy for a long time at uni and kind of blocked every emotion out. I felt numb and disconnected, and guilty for just existing - when I feel like this I isolate myself and stop reaching out to people because I feel like such a burden. As a result, we didn’t really talk much, although when we eventually did it felt natural and I’ve always felt comfortable with him.
Recently I’ve realised that I think I have feelings for him. I think before, I tried to convince myself I didn’t, and I wouldn’t let myself like him or let him close because I’m so afraid of letting him down and losing myself. But at the same time, I can't really tell because I never know what I'm feeling. I can't decide whether I tried to convince myself I didn't like him before because I was afraid of letting him down; or whether I only like him now because he makes me feel seen and understood, which otherwise never happens. Sometimes I feel like I love him and feel so connected to him, but other times not at all and I don't like that it's not consistent. Part of me thinks he's not the right person for me and I worry I'll lose myself if we are together. When someone likes me and if I feel even the smallest amount of pressure from them, I feel like an animal being hunted and I want to get as far away as possible
The thing is, I don’t trust myself a lot of the time because my mood fluctuates so much, and I have no control over it whatsoever. I want to be everything he deserves but I’m worried incase I can’t do that for him. I’m very independent and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want him to take it personally if I want to be alone, but I would feel so much guilt for not wanting to see him. I’m so particular, and I feel it’s unreasonable for me to have so many boundaries in a relationship. I would feel guilty if I felt he was putting in more effort into the relationship than me - and what if I’m depressed again and physically can’t put in any more effort?
My autism affects every aspect of my relationships and friendships - I have very rigid routines and rules that I worry come across as me being controlling or uptight- lots of people take it personally or think I'm boring. But when I feel pressured to do something, or when I can't stick to my routines etc. then I feel so anxious and that I've almost lost myself and all the structure to my life.
I can't work out if someone is manipulating me so I have difficulty trusting people. I don't know how I feel about other people unless the emotion is extremely intense.
Anyway, he likes me a lot (which I didn't really realise) and has done for the past 2 years. It seems like he would do anything for me, but I don't know if he could genuinely keep that up. I think honestly he deserves someone that is more similar to him, wants to go out and do things and is able to consistently put in effort with him. He is very empathetic and is really good at understanding me and how I feel, but I can't seem to reciprocate it. When he's upset I don't know how to respond & I can't always empathise if I don't fully understand why, because I can't for the life of me 'put myself in other peoples shoes' and he's a bit disappointed with me for that. I know if I tried to explain this, he would say it's okay and he's happy to be patient with me. So I really don't know what to do. I'm afraid of leading him on only to realise that I don't love him, I just like the fact he understands me and is patient. But at the same time, he has so many qualities I love about him. he treats me well and we are similar in lots of ways. we both have high standards and are serious about relationships.
Anyway, im sorry for the very long essay ! I was just wondering if anyone had any advice? or how to tell whether you really love someone?
