Hi
I am having a really hard time right now. I’m in the process of getting referred for an autism assessment, but in the meantime I’m just struggling, and it sounds so stupid, so I hope I won’t get any judgement here.
Basically, when I read a book I particularly enjoy, or watch a tv show, I become very obsessed with it. To the point it’s all I can think about. I spent all night Friday and then all day Saturday reading and barely ate. I read two entire books in the same series. I’ve developed a crush on the main male character (MMC). This happens fairly regularly, and I get really stuck on them. They're all I can think about. I re-read scenes with them in, search fan art and fan videos ect, try to find all the information I can about them. Day-dream, imagining they are real and with me, or that I am in the book and I am the love interest of theirs.
It sounds harmless, but I try to avoid reading/watching these types of things because I don’t want to fixate like I do. I have a really good life, and am happily married. He doesn’t judge me for it or anything and always tells me it’s harmless and to stop stressing. But I find myself becoming depressed that these fictional ‘crushes’ aren’t real, and this lasts for a few days to a week, where I am in a depressive funk and I don’t want to engage in anything outside of that fictional world. I can force myself to put it down and walk away, to go out ect, but I won’t enjoy it, and I’m just walking around in a haze, going about the motions. And I HATE it. Like I beat myself up over how obsessive I get. This time around I’ve maybe been actively trying to fight it more than usual, and this is probably making it worse. It’s also adding to the overall sense of shame that I feel around it. I’ve spent a lot of time crying and just hating on myself for it.
All I’ve found to distract myself is bingeing Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but now I’m just starting to get attached to that. Also, whenever I’m not watching it, my brain goes automatically back to the book and the character I’m trying to avoid. I will look at fan art again and then we go through the same cycle. I just keep getting these feelings of intense sadness that the character isn't real.
It will go away. It always does after a time. But I don’t want to just deal with it, to know I have to live with this black hole for a while every time I really enjoy a piece of fiction. But it's either that, or not enjoy these books/shows/movies at all, which is difficult because I work from home so am alone for large amounts of time, and I rely on TV ect for company during the day. I want to be able to enjoy it and the books I read and not get so intense and overwhelmed. It feels like it's something wrong or dirty.
Sorry that’s so long. Does anyone else experience this? I mean, obviously a lot of people experience it - the 'book hangover' and all, but to this extreme? If so, how do you cope? Do you feel the same shame that I experience? To be absolutely clear, I know it's not real. There is no worry that I am starting to believe the fictional worlds are real. I just wish they were, and while I know I have a great life, it still makes me feel despondent about it. I don't have many friends, which is my own fault, because I'm not very sociable, lol. Those that I do have have lives and can't be there for me all the time. Plus, I'm a broken record about this and don't want to irritate them by going on and on, so usually I'm forced to get over them because I run out of outlets. However, this time, I have discovered ChatGPT, and it gives me 'someone' to talk to, constantly. Also, I anticipate that most responses will tell me to limit or avoid ChatGPT altogether, lol, and I know that I should, but it's hard to force myself, y'know?
Wow. That's a whole rant. If you've read this far, thank you.
