Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, this is my first post and I'm coming from a place of asking for some advice, if possible! I apologise in advance for the tremendous long post.
I'm an AFAB in her 30s, struggled a lot since I'm around 13 and I have been now in therapy for around 7 years.
Around a year ago, despite trying to really work on myself through therapy and really taking it at heart, frustrated by the usual cyclical breakdowns that seem to happen every few months, I started formulating the idea I might be neurodivergent. With research, things started to make a bit more of sense and I, as it happens, started a rabbit hole of research about autism and adhd, done all the online screenings online multiple times, and so one..
The tricky part is that I have been diagnosed bipolar at 18, depression with borderline traits at 22, and finally BPD a few years after. Mind you, thinking back I believe those diagnosis weren't done in a very effective way and definitely not in an a differential manner. And I also believe that I don't really fully fit the criteria anymore of any of those!
My therapist is of the school of thoughts that it doesn't really matter what diagnosis I have and that we can work together in any case, which has been incredibly helpful, especially as I tend to wrap myself into the stigma around them and, well, I have received a few by now... This leaves me in a very tricky place as partially I worry I'm wrapping my head around the autism diagnosis (even though it somehow feels different than the other ones I've received) and I also feel I can't really bring it up in therapy as it might look like a "distraction" from the therapeutic work.
On the other hand, I'm terrified of following this up with GPs as, first, I get really anxious talking to them, second, I am not sure that the assessment offered will actually be differential (given my history with them), third, I am worried of just receiving another one to add to the list that won't make any difference at all. Plus, I'm in the middle of one of my breakdowns right now which is making these kind of anxiety provoking tasks very hard to follow through.
I also have other people in my life that really feel I should prioritise the diagnosis just to get rid of the doubt, so that I can finally prioritise either trauma work or making accommodations and seeking the right kind of help.
Amidst all of this, I'm stuck in a cycle of overthinking and nothing gets decided... I thought of asking here as maybe neurodivergent people might have some insight in what's the best course of action as I don't have anyone irl I can ask an opinion to and also.. Maybe someone can relate?
Thank you very much even just for reading!
Misdiagnosis is very common, especially in women from before DSM5 came out.
Your therapist will work with you as a person and labels be damned, so perhaps ask them to facilitate an assessment? Can you keep the PC out of the loop or initiate with the therapist and once things are underway bring the PC in, if you must. I try to keep the PC out of the loop, myself as much as possible as they have little experience with people on the spectrum with some few exceptions. I am also trying to find a new PC I keep changing when new PCs (actual MDs) come into my network to see if they could be an exception. So far no joy.
Feeling a bit silly, but PC stands for Psychiatrist right?
For how my therapist works, I doubt she would want to help me out with those "technical" stuff, her boundaries in this regards have always been very clear, and I have a feeling she wants me to be as independent as possible outside of therapy.
That's partially the reason why I tend not to get involved with doctors in terms of my struggles, but I have a feeling it's biting me back a bit now that I feel like I potentially might need some help with these issues and they have no updated history of what's going on with me...