Unable to help my sister make friends

My little sister has ASD and so do I. I was diagnosed first and it's been amazing because we're closer since she was diagnosed and I've been able to help her cope with meltdowns and different struggles at school. But now she's 14 and she's eager to make friends and has asked me for help and it's something I've never been able to do.

Don't get me wrong, I tried, boy did I try but somehow I was never successful. I mimiced others I saw and it didn't work and then I tried being myself but no one wanted to get to know me.

So frustrating but I soon got used to the isolation and loneliness but I don't want that for my sister but I have no idea how to help her make friends. I feel so bad right now like I'm the worst sister ever! My little sister looks up to me for guidance and I'm unable to help her.

Any advice is more than welcome!

TIA.

Lotus 12 months ago

Hi Scarlox

Many of us on this forum have, or have had, the same problem, so I hope that makes you feel less alone or "odd".

Firstly, it might help to remember that people who are not autistic can also have problems making friends. Here are a few ideas that may help, for both of you:

Make yourself available. If you sit on your own, people might think you want to be alone. Try sitting on the same table as others in school, or in the work canteen. Look out for other people who are alone or seem to get left out of groups and sit with them - they may want to make friends too.

Join an organisation or club - such as a choir, art group, chess club - whatever interests you - or volunteer for a cause you care about. Then you will be meeting people with a common interest.

Look for opportunities to talk to people. Say "Hi, how are you?" or " isn't the weather horrible today? " to try to start a conversation.

Keep the conversation going by listening to the other person and giving short replies - think of conversation as a ping pong game, where each person takes turns to "bat" the conversation back to the other person. If someone starts to talk about something you like, don't start a long speech about it. Ask them about themselves too, such as what music they enjoy.

Think about how you project yourself to others - it's nice when someone smiles at you, so remember to smile at them. If you can't maintain eye contact, try focussing on a different part of their face or just above their shoulder.

Everyone likes it when other people make them feel good. You can do this to others by asking them for help with something (such as choosing a gift or card for a member of your family) offering help - with carrying boxes, for example - or giving a compliment, such as "I like your shoes" or "your hair looks nice". The compliment can be followed up with a question such as "where did you buy them?" or "which hairdressers do you go to?"

People usually like to talk about themselves, so follow up on things they say with a question, for example if they say they play guitar, you could ask "how long have you been playing?" or " what songs do you play?"

Once you have had a conversation with someone, if you feel you could be friends then ask them if they would like to meet up another time, which will allow you both to share contact details. If you found out during the conversation that you have shared interests, suggest doing an activity you both enjoy (such as going to a movie, or attending a club together that one of you is already a member of)

Once you have started a friendship, be reliable, trustworthy, and a good listener when they have problems - and remember their birthday.

Hope that helps - good luck to both of you with finding happy, long lasting friendships.