Hi
I'm a mum of three boys who are all diagnosed with autism, and varying co conditions. I'm pretty sure my partner, their Dad, is too. And, more and more I'm thinking I am. I don't know whether I'll bother with an official diagnosis or not because I don't want to take away from those in dire need when resources are so stretched, but I'm exploring my own self and life, trying to heal and better understand myself.
Anyway, there's a couple of things from my childhood which kind of stand out and I wonder if these are things that are common in Autistic women and girls. This isn't everything, by far, but just my current thoughts and stand out things that I've never understood why or how I did them...
I see 'normies' just fall into this like next level of a friendship that I just don't really ever have. They seem to get there quite easily. As a child I just waited for people to kind of adopt me, rather than go out and make those connections myself. If nobody did then I'd be found watching tadpoles or daydreaming or deciding to announce to everyone on a 'stage' that the parents have all been lying to us... Santa 
At a birthday party, I noticed that the birthday boy was under the table and tablecloth. I went and sat with him the whole time. My mum was so proud of me as she thought I was keeping the boy company, and he had Asperger's (as it was then) so she thought it was all empathy. No... I actually just thought it was preferable to the party too 
I used to be able (probably still could if I didn't have kids harassing me 24/7) stare at a single point ahead of me and go into a trance, kind of, on demand. I'd do that when I needed to pass time. I wouldn't be thinking, it was purely there one second and then not, until someone addressed me again. Is this dissociation? Are these ND experiences?
I don't make connections now, I keep myself 'safe" because I don't trust people. I felt very much like a piece of meat most of my life and like I was/am trapped inside this and the "real me" can't get out. This hits home now as my youngest says things about him being from another planet and not being human, I get what he means. I could never sleep if things were different... I did things like sleepovers because everyone else did but not once did I ever sleep at one. I would sit awake silent all night. I struggle with organising my thoughts and have to step by step by step everything. I always did well at school, academically, but HATED it. I always stayed within rules. I rock verrrrrry slightly without trying... Like, I'm not making myself rock at all, it's just happening. Only very slightly. I didn't know if I was actually moving or if I just felt like I was and nobody ever mentioned it before so I thought it was in my head. I can stop it but I do not consciously start it if that makes sense. When it started the other day I asked my partner if I was moving and he said yes, like it was obvious. I told him I'm not doing it and he didn't understand or how I could stop it if I wasn't doing it intentionally in the first place.... Neither do I...
Sorry, I'm rambling now...
Anyway, I just wondered if these things were indeed common for autism or if I'm overthinking and They're things everyone does anyway?
