• Replies 12 replies
  • Subscribers 12 subscribers
  • Views 2889 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

My daughter "doesn't want autism"

NAS90015

My 12 year old daughter has had a recent diagnosis of ASD and since then she hasn't wanted to talk about it, only that she doesn't want people to know which I think this is because she had some awful bullying experiences last year, a few this school year and she's feeling really isolated from her friendship group after slowly being pushed out. I've been quietly researching what her consultant advised in the report (mostly being able to name/identify emotions, the physical feelings associated with them, PDA and social stories etc) and any attempt I've made to discuss it, no matter how small and infrequent, causes her to shutdown and withdraw.

Her dad and I aren't together but she se's him regularly, when communicating with me his response to the diagnosis has been pretty poor - essentially it's nonsense with an undercurrent of embarrassment/shame. 

I got some resources to be able to name emotions etc and showed them to her, she got very frustrated so I put them away to bring out at a later date when she is ready. 

It came to a bit of a head earlier when I suggested we go through what her school day typically looks like so I could try and identify areas she enjoys compared with what she struggles with. She was initially up for it and a common theme that came up was that she doesn't like sitting at the front in class which felt like a small win to finally be able to get any information out of her. I could tell she was losing interest and asked if she'd like to stop which she did - so I did. 

I bought up the emotions wheel and she wanted to look at it so we were discussing what physical feelings happen with different emotions and she told me she doesn't want to do any of this, she wants things to 'be normal' 'we didn't have things like this before' and all of this makes her sad because she 'doesn't want autism'.

I'm more than happy to wait until she is ready and learn what I can, change where I can but I don't want to ignore it because I don't want her to be ashamed of who she is. I understand that it may feel too much for her and too soon, I just don't know what to do.... please help! 

Parents
  • NAS90015 said:
    she told me she doesn't want to do any of this, she wants things to 'be normal' 'we didn't have things like this before' and all of this makes her sad because she 'doesn't want autism'.

    I'm going to suggest a different approach here.

    Gen Z kids are raised in an environment where they like to "gamifty" situations - try to find ways to get to the win faster, circumvent the hard slog etc.

    First of all I would check you have a solid understanding of autism and what traits your daughter has then make sure she understands which of the difficulties she has socially are caused by these. Keep it short and to the point as she probably has a low attention span for things that are uncomfortable for her.

    Point out that there are techniques she can conciously use to help her fit in, but that they come at a cost to her emotional energy.

    Teach her how to mask and appear normal. Where she has stims, point these out and suggest ways she can hide these or shape them to be a part of her personality more. The shaping part is probably going to happen more about age 15 when she starts to become more her own person though.

    If she suffers from bright lights or loud sounds, teach her to avoid situations and when she cant, to use ear protection (noise cancelling headphones) or tinted glasses (or sunglasses). Teach her to make these part of her fashion statement.

    Scripting can also be taught - it typically required roleplay to get it working well and she has to be in the right frame of mind to do this..

    Teaching her how to cope with the unexpected is also incredibly helpful. Just getting her to talk through the situation and maybe roleplay something she really struggles with will help her build confidence.

    Just having her back, listening to her issues (when she wants to talk) and being there for her will be a lot, and if she is really struggling then trying to get a therapist for her - sell it as a coach rather than therapist and it will help.

    I'm suggesting these options as a way for her to fit in as best she can until she is willing to become more of her own, unique person, and by the time this happens then the bond between you should be ready for the more challenging tasks ahead.

Reply
  • NAS90015 said:
    she told me she doesn't want to do any of this, she wants things to 'be normal' 'we didn't have things like this before' and all of this makes her sad because she 'doesn't want autism'.

    I'm going to suggest a different approach here.

    Gen Z kids are raised in an environment where they like to "gamifty" situations - try to find ways to get to the win faster, circumvent the hard slog etc.

    First of all I would check you have a solid understanding of autism and what traits your daughter has then make sure she understands which of the difficulties she has socially are caused by these. Keep it short and to the point as she probably has a low attention span for things that are uncomfortable for her.

    Point out that there are techniques she can conciously use to help her fit in, but that they come at a cost to her emotional energy.

    Teach her how to mask and appear normal. Where she has stims, point these out and suggest ways she can hide these or shape them to be a part of her personality more. The shaping part is probably going to happen more about age 15 when she starts to become more her own person though.

    If she suffers from bright lights or loud sounds, teach her to avoid situations and when she cant, to use ear protection (noise cancelling headphones) or tinted glasses (or sunglasses). Teach her to make these part of her fashion statement.

    Scripting can also be taught - it typically required roleplay to get it working well and she has to be in the right frame of mind to do this..

    Teaching her how to cope with the unexpected is also incredibly helpful. Just getting her to talk through the situation and maybe roleplay something she really struggles with will help her build confidence.

    Just having her back, listening to her issues (when she wants to talk) and being there for her will be a lot, and if she is really struggling then trying to get a therapist for her - sell it as a coach rather than therapist and it will help.

    I'm suggesting these options as a way for her to fit in as best she can until she is willing to become more of her own, unique person, and by the time this happens then the bond between you should be ready for the more challenging tasks ahead.

Children
No Data