Restricted lifestyle

I had a partner who started saying "no one else will put up with you" to me at some point. It's hurtful and shocking at first, why say something this cruel. It also became just another layer of confusion, a strange response, clearly he must have had difficulty following the argument/logic/etc - maybe he needs growth and enlightenment. I didn't know about Autism or Neuroticism at the time, but in the end, when someone repeatedly spews cruelties, like a little poo just coming from their mouth (apologies for the visual but sometimes helpful), the other can slowly becomes repelled, until the distance to travel in order to reconnect is just too great. Good riddance, was all I could keep thinking as I took my last things out of his place and left the key under the doormat.

It sounds to me like, potentially, you're doing too much 'people-ing' and could use a holiday from everyone (kids included) and discover your fantastic, loveable, worth-while self! 

About 8 years ago I started diving into the philosophy of psycho-analysis / the science of the psyche. Exhuming Freud and everything else our current understanding over "being human" is based on. I discovered structures of social life were built on the foundation of Guilt and the magical use of language to conjuring up a sense of indebtedness, which become the mechanisms for turning our wild inner nature into civilised behaviour, and this, is why Freud and Lacan would say "we're all a little neurotic".

But then I found not everyone took to this sort of social programming. They didn't refer to it as Autistic at the time, though many noticed and remarked on Autistics not taking to the programming. Jung noticed this as well, and it seems uniquely Autistic to not be able to internalise and suppress this magically induced social guilt, like our non-autistic peers. Instead, we're often experiencing unrelenting judgement from never getting a thing right or not 'playing along' correctly, and sometimes I wonder if it is guilt, or if we just feel continual pressure, rejected and heart broken - the sense of disconnexion and isolation, lost and left without help. It doesn't mean I'm not worthwhile, but it might mean I just keep surrounding myself with a**holes for lack of understanding how everything works and a lack of expecting better from others, or a lack of finding those who give to the standard which I would. And/or feeling the weight of everyone else's toxic waste, because all it takes is one person to throw a banana peel out the window to signify a small refuse heap and everyone else follows suit. I think this can happen in a sort of - metaphysical field, on to someone who hasn't quite learned yet: I don't have to be friends with just anyone, I don't have to perform life how others expect me to, I don't even have to like others to respect them. There's rules to relationships. There's an unspoken contract and investments. There's also different responsibilities depending on our roles. And when I say this, I don't mean living in a way that's hurtful, but if we're honest, in some civilisations, cannibalism was expected, and if you didn't play along, you may have become lunch. 

I think it's good for you to have limits. It's good to show our children how to set appropriate boundaries, how to self-care. Because then we start expecting those we wish to have relationships with to respect the self and others. It can take a massive break-down to reach this point. I personally would hesitate starting a relationship with anyone who just got out of a 20 year anything. One year is insufficient unless he was at a therapy camp the whole time learning to be a better self. Allow yourself to heal. And to indulge without apology to things you enjoy. You may not have had any time yet to discover how to nurture your soul, out of which, will be automatically inspiring to your kids :) Immediate family first, everyone else can wait. 

Oh my gosh thanks so much for your reply, I actually just studied (just personally) about this theory and it made complete sense to me! Can’t believe you are aware of it too! To be honest I love being with my kids they’re the joys of my life and we’re all quite solitary and they’re older and have their own social lives so I get every minute I can with them, I definitely don’t need a break from them, just everyone else! Works a necessity but way too much social interaction but I don’t have choice there so now bar looking after my kids housework and caring I’ve now decided I want to be left alone, I suppose I thought being diagnosed and educating my family would mean they’d actually understand and like I say I’m done masking, it hasn’t even been a convicts decision it’s just happened as I’ve become knowledgable about myself and I’ve been through so much unnecessary trauma through being undiagnosed that I refuse to pander to people who have been so oblivious to my struggle, I’ve only ever been in 2 relationships- the first was extremely violent and abusive in other ways and my long term marriage was good and bad but there was non Physical abuse on and off and I had an abusive childhood, I’ve never changed though I’ve always been extremely loving and caring and I’ve always put my kids 100% first and always will and I don’t think I’d be such a good mother if I wasn’t autistic, I just need to work on my self esteem as I’ve always had my boundaries pushed which psychiatrist who diagnosed me said is common in autistic females as some of us have always been met with doubt and misunderstanding, really appreciate your reply x

And sorry yes to add I’m not interested in another relationship- with him or anyone, I’m working on myself and enjoying the peace! X

And sorry yes to add I’m not interested in another relationship- with him or anyone, I’m working on myself and enjoying the peace! X

Thanks so much for that recommendation I’m sure it will be of interest to me seeing as you mentioned earlier like minded reading, you’ve honestly brightened up my evening by making me feel so understood as a mother and human haha! Thank you!

Happy to help! Also, have recommended before, but The Artists Way is such a great resource if you haven't read it. (And I agree! I think our Autistic being is an advantage to parenting, if only we weren't pulled in other directions). Xx

Honestly thanks so much, I really feel you understood with your articulate, emotionally intelligent response