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Newly diagnosed ASD daughter

NewtoASD

Hi, 

I am new to this forum but I've been recommended to post re my teenage daughters recent diagnosis and the troubles we are facing with her. I really hope somebody has some advice or at least a "we've been there and it gets better" message! 

Our daughter is almost 14 and was diagnosed with ASD three months ago following an episode last August which sent her into crisis (inability to regulate, shut down for 7 days etc) - to begin with she was very relieved when we mentioned ASD and went along to all assessments freely showing no reluctance to doing so. But for the past 2 months, possibly longer, she has been absolutely unbearable to live with. She doesn't communicate with anyone in her family and when she does talk she is just derogatory, rude, aggressive or asking for things to make her feel better. I have listed a few examples : 

- she doesn't want anything to do with her family. She has two younger sisters who she is just awful towards.. she makes it clear on a daily basis that we make her unhappy and spending time or talking to us is a waste of her time and that she hates us all. (She has said to both her sisters and her Dad that she wants them to die, numerous times) 

- Nothing motivates her. We have set a list of 'chores' for her to do to try and get her to earn a little bit of pocket money over the summer and she point blank refuses. 

- Her bedroom is revolting. She is so messy and her floor is now covered in makeup and she drags it through the house and covers herself in it daily (this is her ritual) and I always ask very nicely and subtly to tidy up and she absolutely loses it. 

- She expects everything at a drop of a hat and screams and shouts and constantly says that all her friends get clothes/nails done etc and she gets nothing. 

- There is absolutely no reasoning with her. She refuses any sort of authority or discussion re her behaviour. 

- If I ask her to do anything or to help in any way she replies with comments such as "you are just lazy and can't be bothered and that's why you are making me do things" and just refuses to do anything. 

- she spends most of her time in her bedroom and only comes out for food or to ask for us to buy her something. We have limited her social media time and she isn't allowed her phone after 10pm but she just sits in her room for long periods of time and if we go into our room she loses it with us screaming asking us to leave. 

- she is obsessive with her friends and says that they are the only think that makes her happy and she will kill herself if she doesn't see them. 

We live in a very safe environment with a very loving family and friends network. As parents we feel we have gone above and beyond to have her diagnosed as quickly as we could and have been in constant contact with school who have been amazing and supportive. We constantly give her the space to express how she feels as well as give her, her own space and respect that she needs that... but she is making everyone in our family miserable and I just don't know what else to do. 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. 

Parents

  • She is obviously not in a good place. However, it seems to me that she is using her diagnosis to allow her to behave in unpleasant, and ultimately self-defeating ways. None of the behaviours you have described are directly linked to, or are the direct result of being autistic, though being autistic may make them more extreme.  Except in meltdown or shutdown situations being autistic does not make people unpleasant to others, autistic people can be, and often are, kind and considerate. You can still expect basic levels of civility from your daughter, just because she is autistic does not exempt her from being told that she is being unpleasant, or from the expectation of better behaviour from her. I suspect that she is using her autism as leverage to get what she wants and avoid doing things that she dislikes.

  • in reply to Martin

    I think you have absolutely hit the nail on the head here. She is using her diagnosis to be unkind as she doesn't behave this way towards her friends or their families etc. We are in the process of getting a therapist to help as she does have extreme anxiety too and if she didn't want to see her friends I would be concerned re the depression but I don't think this is the case yet. Thank you 

  • in reply to NewtoASD

    Problems with anxiety are reported by around 90% of autistic adults. Autistic people spend a great deal of effort minimising the uncertainty that triggers anxiety. An anxious state can lead to depression and anger issues, but as you say, your daughter can modify her behaviour with her friends. Friendship is conditional on reciprocal acts of kindness, your daughter appears to be taking your family's unconditional love for her as a green light to treat you badly. If therapy can open her eyes to the fact that the people in her family are just as much human beings as her friends, and equally deserving of respect, I'm sure it will help.

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  • in reply to NewtoASD

    Problems with anxiety are reported by around 90% of autistic adults. Autistic people spend a great deal of effort minimising the uncertainty that triggers anxiety. An anxious state can lead to depression and anger issues, but as you say, your daughter can modify her behaviour with her friends. Friendship is conditional on reciprocal acts of kindness, your daughter appears to be taking your family's unconditional love for her as a green light to treat you badly. If therapy can open her eyes to the fact that the people in her family are just as much human beings as her friends, and equally deserving of respect, I'm sure it will help.

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