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Newly diagnosed ASD daughter

NewtoASD

Hi, 

I am new to this forum but I've been recommended to post re my teenage daughters recent diagnosis and the troubles we are facing with her. I really hope somebody has some advice or at least a "we've been there and it gets better" message! 

Our daughter is almost 14 and was diagnosed with ASD three months ago following an episode last August which sent her into crisis (inability to regulate, shut down for 7 days etc) - to begin with she was very relieved when we mentioned ASD and went along to all assessments freely showing no reluctance to doing so. But for the past 2 months, possibly longer, she has been absolutely unbearable to live with. She doesn't communicate with anyone in her family and when she does talk she is just derogatory, rude, aggressive or asking for things to make her feel better. I have listed a few examples : 

- she doesn't want anything to do with her family. She has two younger sisters who she is just awful towards.. she makes it clear on a daily basis that we make her unhappy and spending time or talking to us is a waste of her time and that she hates us all. (She has said to both her sisters and her Dad that she wants them to die, numerous times) 

- Nothing motivates her. We have set a list of 'chores' for her to do to try and get her to earn a little bit of pocket money over the summer and she point blank refuses. 

- Her bedroom is revolting. She is so messy and her floor is now covered in makeup and she drags it through the house and covers herself in it daily (this is her ritual) and I always ask very nicely and subtly to tidy up and she absolutely loses it. 

- She expects everything at a drop of a hat and screams and shouts and constantly says that all her friends get clothes/nails done etc and she gets nothing. 

- There is absolutely no reasoning with her. She refuses any sort of authority or discussion re her behaviour. 

- If I ask her to do anything or to help in any way she replies with comments such as "you are just lazy and can't be bothered and that's why you are making me do things" and just refuses to do anything. 

- she spends most of her time in her bedroom and only comes out for food or to ask for us to buy her something. We have limited her social media time and she isn't allowed her phone after 10pm but she just sits in her room for long periods of time and if we go into our room she loses it with us screaming asking us to leave. 

- she is obsessive with her friends and says that they are the only think that makes her happy and she will kill herself if she doesn't see them. 

We live in a very safe environment with a very loving family and friends network. As parents we feel we have gone above and beyond to have her diagnosed as quickly as we could and have been in constant contact with school who have been amazing and supportive. We constantly give her the space to express how she feels as well as give her, her own space and respect that she needs that... but she is making everyone in our family miserable and I just don't know what else to do. 

Any help would be greatly appreciated. 

Parents

  • Hi and welcome!

    Sounds like she is feeling really unhappy which doesn't excuse her behaviour but certainly seems to be the reason behind it. Life must be hard for you and your family at the moment. We are always here if you need to talk.

    It's hard when she doesn't want to talk to you about what's going on in her head. Something is clearly bothering her but you can't help unless she talks to you, must be frustrating for you. 

    Some of her behaviour is classic teenager, we all go through that. Hate our parents and family and think life is awful. I certainly did and I really took it out on my mum, so you certainly aren't the only one (not sure if that's any help but at least there will be people who understand)

    It sounds like verbally communicating isn't her thing, have you tried having a text conversation with her instead. I find it a lot easier to talk to people if we are in different rooms and I'm texting them. 

    Alisha xx

    P.S. Sorry not much help but hopefully a couple more people will respond now that this post has had a response.

Reply

  • Hi and welcome!

    Sounds like she is feeling really unhappy which doesn't excuse her behaviour but certainly seems to be the reason behind it. Life must be hard for you and your family at the moment. We are always here if you need to talk.

    It's hard when she doesn't want to talk to you about what's going on in her head. Something is clearly bothering her but you can't help unless she talks to you, must be frustrating for you. 

    Some of her behaviour is classic teenager, we all go through that. Hate our parents and family and think life is awful. I certainly did and I really took it out on my mum, so you certainly aren't the only one (not sure if that's any help but at least there will be people who understand)

    It sounds like verbally communicating isn't her thing, have you tried having a text conversation with her instead. I find it a lot easier to talk to people if we are in different rooms and I'm texting them. 

    Alisha xx

    P.S. Sorry not much help but hopefully a couple more people will respond now that this post has had a response.

Children
  • in reply to piggy1401

    Thank you so much for your message Alisha. Means a lot. 

    We are in the process of finding a therapist for her to try and get some support. I can cope just about with her behaviour towards me but when she is making the rest of the family unhappy it's hard to accept especially when we are doing absolutely nothing wrong. I have started texting her yes which does seem to help but I feel that she spends far too much time in her bedroom (almost all day other than coming out for food) that it will end up making her depressed. But I can't get her out of her room. I am considering making her come out and taking away her phone for an hour or so a day but worried about the consequences of this. Saying that, I am not sure it can get much worse!