self

I'm continuing a life-long struggle with self-worth. People can only stick me for a while, and then have to bail. I can't even blame them, I can be exhausting - I exhaust myself. However, when I'm alone I don't hate myself or anything (well, at my worst I have done) because I can see that that's how I'm supposed to be - I find myself OK, in solitude. In company, the moment scrutiny or inept interaction begins, I feel like I'm a total loser and unbearable, unless someone patiently reassures me by implication or overt statement that I am not. A fair few have kindly taken the time to do so, but if they've made the mistake of sustained reegular conact, buyer's remorse (for them) kicks in before too long and they flee for the hills. I'm used to it, though a couple of instances still burn in a way I wish I could make right. 

I'm also ugly as sin - so confidence or feeling worthy of love (certainly reciprocal romantic love) was never going to be on the cards for me - except once, the briefest and most incredible of miracles.

As for hating my being autistic, no I don't - the opposite. I'm glad to have insights and sensitivities that make life more challenging, but also (beneath the surface), just... more.

I battle with inner demons, wondering what others would say if they saw me at my worst.

However, the ones I talk to are understanding.

I'm learning when to speak up, and when to button my lips.

I battle with inner demons, wondering what others would say if they saw me at my worst.

However, the ones I talk to are understanding.

I'm learning when to speak up, and when to button my lips.