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Newly diagnosed 33yo woman - any advice from other women on emotional overwhelm/meltdowns?

Emma

Hi all :) It's my first post here. I was diagnosed about a month ago. I am still coming to terms with it really! I dont know if any other women here struggle with meltdowns, I feel these affect my relationship with my partner and in turn my relationship with myself. I think the last one happened due to me trying to force myself to adapt to a routine change at the last minute. I have only just begun to see them as what they are and learned terms for them - I have also just thought I was mentally/emotionally unstable. I have had intense overwhelm/meltdown/shutdowns all my life.

As a child these were physically destructive, and as a younger adult I anaesthetised them with alcohol and drugs. Im glad to say they are not like this now. However they are harmful to my partner - they are expressed normally as anger. My body language, tone of voice and sometimes what I say during one of these periods is very negative, probably seemingly completely out of the blue and can upset him. I see that I'm doing this and because I am very empathetic toward him and 'attached' to his emotions it makes it worse. They are also internally destructive to me.. I would never talk to another person the way I talk to myself internally during and after, and I feel I prolong the whole thing by repeatedly apologising after and beating myself up for them, sometimes over the course of days. I feel intense remorse almost immediately.

I am wondering if anyone can relate and if anyone has any advice on how to handle them better when they happen? Perhaps there's a way I can better explain how I am feeling, rather than just becoming snappy and saying negative or angry things? Or perhaps it is a case of just saying what I need at that time.. I am unsure what that is yet though. Perhaps you guys have identified some triggers, or ways to protect yourselves and prevent them from occurring? 

I apologise if this is a bit cut-to-the-chase for a first message on these boards and an intro message would have been better. But I appreciate you guys' time for reading it :)

Parents

  • Meltdowns are not fun. Before I knew I was autistic I thought they were panic attacks. But sometimes they feel almost like a toddler temper tantrum, except that is a rather unhelpful way to look at them!

    One of the main things you need to do asap is to change how you think of them and thus how you speak to yourself. Instead of beating yourself up, accept that it is part of being autistic. Now you know why it happens you can work on methods of reducing it. Being kind to yourself is much more likely to reduce them than being mean to yourself.

    Try telling yourself you didn't choose to have a meltdown, you didn't want to have a meltdown, you did not enjoy having the meltdown. Try to see it more like it was an asthma attack or coughing fit or migraine, not your fault, but it will have drained you and made you feel unwell. The best thing you can do for both yourself and your partner is to try and recover as fast as possible. So try a simple apology then go off to a quiet safe space and do what makes you feel calm for half an hour or however long it takes.

    As Glitter said, everyone has different triggers and you will have to try to identify your own. The good news is you now know what is going on so you have more ideas where to look. My suggestions for where to look include: are you tired? Always  harder to keep a lid on then. Do you have sensory overwhelm? It is useful to know what you might be hypersensitive to, loud noises, certain textures, even smells or temperatures. Is there anything obvious stressing you? A change to routine is always stressful, but there might have been another stress as well which you thought was nothing, but they all add up! If each of these things is like a button being pressed, when enough buttons have been pressed a meltdown is triggered. Sometimes the final button might be a tiny straw (it often is) but it is not just that which has caused it but all the other buttons as well, which is why on other days you might be able to handle the same trigger just fine.

    I have identified one or two situations which often stress me to the point of meltdown, so if possible I have a rest before they will happen and try to do something calm and pleasant like watch youtube videos or crochet or read. I also warn my husband that this thing might make me meltdown and can he try to not trigger me more, although he is very bad at this and keeps asking why I am like that, which triggers me to want to yell at him! I am working on controlling my reaction to that as he doesn't seem able to not say it. But as I am aware of it, I will not be caught off guard and can try to divert by calmly reminding him he doesn't like me when I'm angry!

    It is possible you also have alexythymia, which means you might not find it easy to identify and recognise your emotions and feelings so they can build up to explosion point without you realising it is creeping up on you. I don't seem to always notice I am getting too hot until i suddenly feel aaargh I'm boiling get this jumper off me now!

Reply

  • Meltdowns are not fun. Before I knew I was autistic I thought they were panic attacks. But sometimes they feel almost like a toddler temper tantrum, except that is a rather unhelpful way to look at them!

    One of the main things you need to do asap is to change how you think of them and thus how you speak to yourself. Instead of beating yourself up, accept that it is part of being autistic. Now you know why it happens you can work on methods of reducing it. Being kind to yourself is much more likely to reduce them than being mean to yourself.

    Try telling yourself you didn't choose to have a meltdown, you didn't want to have a meltdown, you did not enjoy having the meltdown. Try to see it more like it was an asthma attack or coughing fit or migraine, not your fault, but it will have drained you and made you feel unwell. The best thing you can do for both yourself and your partner is to try and recover as fast as possible. So try a simple apology then go off to a quiet safe space and do what makes you feel calm for half an hour or however long it takes.

    As Glitter said, everyone has different triggers and you will have to try to identify your own. The good news is you now know what is going on so you have more ideas where to look. My suggestions for where to look include: are you tired? Always  harder to keep a lid on then. Do you have sensory overwhelm? It is useful to know what you might be hypersensitive to, loud noises, certain textures, even smells or temperatures. Is there anything obvious stressing you? A change to routine is always stressful, but there might have been another stress as well which you thought was nothing, but they all add up! If each of these things is like a button being pressed, when enough buttons have been pressed a meltdown is triggered. Sometimes the final button might be a tiny straw (it often is) but it is not just that which has caused it but all the other buttons as well, which is why on other days you might be able to handle the same trigger just fine.

    I have identified one or two situations which often stress me to the point of meltdown, so if possible I have a rest before they will happen and try to do something calm and pleasant like watch youtube videos or crochet or read. I also warn my husband that this thing might make me meltdown and can he try to not trigger me more, although he is very bad at this and keeps asking why I am like that, which triggers me to want to yell at him! I am working on controlling my reaction to that as he doesn't seem able to not say it. But as I am aware of it, I will not be caught off guard and can try to divert by calmly reminding him he doesn't like me when I'm angry!

    It is possible you also have alexythymia, which means you might not find it easy to identify and recognise your emotions and feelings so they can build up to explosion point without you realising it is creeping up on you. I don't seem to always notice I am getting too hot until i suddenly feel aaargh I'm boiling get this jumper off me now!

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