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Where do we go from here?

struggling mum

My boy is 14 and deliberately cut his arm for first time last night with a knife. Stayed at hospital last night see here waiting for visit from cams this afternoon. I've been trying get appointment with school last two weeks to sort out issues there think will be able to sort that now with all this happening. What I feel is biggest problem from my perspective is his very addicted to social media and technology and it's become impossible to monitor because he demands privacy and sets passwords. I want to respect that but fear negative influences coming from there. If I ban the technology he now has harmed himself. I find it difficult to always remain calm as feel if I don't give in all the time he will do this. Also I feel he distorts things e.g. how I have reacted to his behaviour or that of his teachers. How can I connect more positively? how can I put boundaries in? How can I help him see other perspectives to help bridge the gap between him and others so that he doesn't suffer such strong overwhelming negative emotions? Please help.

Parents

  • Hi there,

    Not sure if it's of any use but that website gives mainly situations rather than actual reasons why someone would hurt themselves (and most of those it does give don't seem to apply to your son), so I thought I add a few of my reasons, perhaps you can see some parallels. Guess finding out the reason why your son hurts himself would be quite useful because you could adapt your reaction accordingly, and he may think in ways that don't easily appear to you, so it's possible that you misinterpret him at times. Not sure if it will be possible to ask him about his reasons, directly or indirectly, but perhaps someone else could try to find out?

    One reason this website gives-having learned that it gets you to a certain outcome-is one that doesn't apply to me at all, and I could imagine it also does not to many others because it comes with people being shocked, disturbed and disgusted which is all not exactly pleasant. It seems to be a reason people often assume though. Perhaps it's best to give the benefit of the doubt when it comes to this because being accused of trying to manipulate others makes feel worse. Another reason people readily assume is frustration, that's also one that doesn't apply to me (but it seems I appear frustrated rather than hurt, somehow I don't seem to show feelings in ways others understand them well, guess that applies to many people with ASD). Reasons that have made me hurt myself are feeling badly hurt emotionally and needing something to cover this pain (being bullied, being accused of something when I was trying to do the opposite, bereavement, loneliness, experiencing injustice (to myself or others) and being unable to do anything about it...), knowing that something I did is/will be seen as wrong (I may agree or not) and therefore punishing myself in the hope that it will stop me from doing it again so I won't need to be punished by others (again), wanting to be in control of the pain others inflict when they punish me in ways they feel are suitable (so to feel that I haven't lost control I need to do something that hurts more, at least for a moment, not in the long term because the punishment from others needs to be rather bad in first place, but I think often the people punishing me don't understand how much they hurt me and it may sometimes not be a punishment at all from their point of view), having thoughts I feel disgusted about and want to get out of my head, especially when nobody else seems to understand why it bothers me (like I started to hate people and was told this is normal, everybody does that, but to me it wasn't normal at all and since nobody was going to help me to stop this I felt I had to do something myself before I may start planning to harm someone, which did not happen but somehow everything seemed possible). Maybe there were more reasons but they are the main ones. Seems some of them are seen as really weird by others, to me they are totally logical.

    No idea really how to best react to your son's problems but every time my mum tried to intrude my privacy I completely stopped any communication for some time, think I would still do that, I would be incredibly hurt and unable to come up with any better reaction despite being an adult now (which is different from being a grown-up, I suppose). Guess that's not something you want to risk when it isn't absolutely necessary.

Reply

  • Hi there,

    Not sure if it's of any use but that website gives mainly situations rather than actual reasons why someone would hurt themselves (and most of those it does give don't seem to apply to your son), so I thought I add a few of my reasons, perhaps you can see some parallels. Guess finding out the reason why your son hurts himself would be quite useful because you could adapt your reaction accordingly, and he may think in ways that don't easily appear to you, so it's possible that you misinterpret him at times. Not sure if it will be possible to ask him about his reasons, directly or indirectly, but perhaps someone else could try to find out?

    One reason this website gives-having learned that it gets you to a certain outcome-is one that doesn't apply to me at all, and I could imagine it also does not to many others because it comes with people being shocked, disturbed and disgusted which is all not exactly pleasant. It seems to be a reason people often assume though. Perhaps it's best to give the benefit of the doubt when it comes to this because being accused of trying to manipulate others makes feel worse. Another reason people readily assume is frustration, that's also one that doesn't apply to me (but it seems I appear frustrated rather than hurt, somehow I don't seem to show feelings in ways others understand them well, guess that applies to many people with ASD). Reasons that have made me hurt myself are feeling badly hurt emotionally and needing something to cover this pain (being bullied, being accused of something when I was trying to do the opposite, bereavement, loneliness, experiencing injustice (to myself or others) and being unable to do anything about it...), knowing that something I did is/will be seen as wrong (I may agree or not) and therefore punishing myself in the hope that it will stop me from doing it again so I won't need to be punished by others (again), wanting to be in control of the pain others inflict when they punish me in ways they feel are suitable (so to feel that I haven't lost control I need to do something that hurts more, at least for a moment, not in the long term because the punishment from others needs to be rather bad in first place, but I think often the people punishing me don't understand how much they hurt me and it may sometimes not be a punishment at all from their point of view), having thoughts I feel disgusted about and want to get out of my head, especially when nobody else seems to understand why it bothers me (like I started to hate people and was told this is normal, everybody does that, but to me it wasn't normal at all and since nobody was going to help me to stop this I felt I had to do something myself before I may start planning to harm someone, which did not happen but somehow everything seemed possible). Maybe there were more reasons but they are the main ones. Seems some of them are seen as really weird by others, to me they are totally logical.

    No idea really how to best react to your son's problems but every time my mum tried to intrude my privacy I completely stopped any communication for some time, think I would still do that, I would be incredibly hurt and unable to come up with any better reaction despite being an adult now (which is different from being a grown-up, I suppose). Guess that's not something you want to risk when it isn't absolutely necessary.

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