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Can't take anymore

ebonyuk72

Hi
My daughter is 15 and has Aspergers/Anxiety/School refusal. Two years ago she broke down and said she'd rather die than go to school and admitted trying to cut her wrists. Through CAMHS and her secondary school she was given home tutoring and has since moved into a special school that she attends part time. She seems to like it there, has some great friends and has done really well but, over the two years I've pretty much been on my own with it all.
My husband works long hours and while I'm sure he has Aspergers traits of his own, but he just doesn't understand our daughter or her problems at all, he simply thinks she "needs to get a grip" and have done with it. The rest of my family either don't want to know or dont understand and can't be bothered to try. Everything has been okay and we've been getting there until yesterday when my daughter suddenly broke down and started all over again. Nothing has changed, and nothing has happened at the school that I'm aware of so whats set her off I have no idea. Of course I'm worried for my daughters future as she should be starting her GCSE subjects in April, but if she can't even get her foot in the door of a school what chance has she got?

Yesterday she was crying and being sick at the mere thought of going to school, but I managed to calm her down and get her to go in, only for them to call and have her come home an hour later, she just couldn't cope with being there. Today has been the same, crying and being sick whenever the word 'school' is mentioned, its history repeating itself and I'm not sure I can go through it all again. I dont know weather to try and push her in for one lesson because I fear if I let her stay home it'll go on and on and she'll never get back in again, or let her stay home only to have her pick up and act like nothing is wrong, until you mention school again.

Maybe it sounds selfish I dont know, but I honestly dont think I can go through it all again. No one in my family ever asks how I'm coping with it and just expect me to carry on as if nothing else is happening. My Dad is disabled and I care for him too, he can't understand Aspergers at all so just puts more and more on me without stopping to think what else i may have going on. He's going to have a fit when he finds out my daughter has had a relapse as it were.

I feel like I have no support, no answers and no one cares and i just dont know what else to do.

Parents

  • What you daughter is experiencing sounds exactly what I went through. It started when I was around 9 or 10 years old . I just hated school and the very throught resulted in extreme anxiety. I wanted to kill myself rather than go. I went to different schools, but it made no ultimate difference. I could not explain what the problem was to my parents or teachers. This went on until I was 14, when finally my parents took me out of school and home schooled me.

    The result of keeping me in school, where every day was a mass of fear, anxiety and stress, was that I learned nothing. To this day I cannot remember ANYTHING that I was taught in high school classes, I can't even remember being in the classes becasue I was in so much anxiety. I say this not to upset you in any way but to suggest that taking your daughter out of school may be better for her in the long term.

    I know it very much depends on your circumstances and your daughter's abilities academically, but GCSEs aren't the most important thing, your daughter's ability to cope with stress and anxiety is. I could not even begin to try and cope with stress until the threat of going to school was lifted. Then I began to settle down, relax a little. I did external exams in the subjects I was good at later on(there is a home schooling network you can get information from). I gained confidence, did Open University courses (this is harder now for those in England because of the changes, but is still an option if your daughter is at that ability level).

    I stress, this all depends on your own particular circumstances, and your and you daughter's experiences may not be the same as mine. As an adult female Aspie, I would say for Aspergirls the main important thing for the future is confidence,the ability to deal with the stresses of living in an NT world, and a good support network. I developed slowly, and I just wasn't ready for exams etc. at the time they came along, I had to wait until I was ready otherwise it was a disaster. When I was ready it was a success. I think Aspies can't be pushed, especially when they are sufferring anxiety, they need time to get ready for each challenge.

    I am just trying to say, don't let what the NT world is doing be the guide for your Aspergirl, she may need to take things at her own rate.

    I hope you and your daughter find a way through this. I really feel for her and wish you both the very very best.

Reply

  • What you daughter is experiencing sounds exactly what I went through. It started when I was around 9 or 10 years old . I just hated school and the very throught resulted in extreme anxiety. I wanted to kill myself rather than go. I went to different schools, but it made no ultimate difference. I could not explain what the problem was to my parents or teachers. This went on until I was 14, when finally my parents took me out of school and home schooled me.

    The result of keeping me in school, where every day was a mass of fear, anxiety and stress, was that I learned nothing. To this day I cannot remember ANYTHING that I was taught in high school classes, I can't even remember being in the classes becasue I was in so much anxiety. I say this not to upset you in any way but to suggest that taking your daughter out of school may be better for her in the long term.

    I know it very much depends on your circumstances and your daughter's abilities academically, but GCSEs aren't the most important thing, your daughter's ability to cope with stress and anxiety is. I could not even begin to try and cope with stress until the threat of going to school was lifted. Then I began to settle down, relax a little. I did external exams in the subjects I was good at later on(there is a home schooling network you can get information from). I gained confidence, did Open University courses (this is harder now for those in England because of the changes, but is still an option if your daughter is at that ability level).

    I stress, this all depends on your own particular circumstances, and your and you daughter's experiences may not be the same as mine. As an adult female Aspie, I would say for Aspergirls the main important thing for the future is confidence,the ability to deal with the stresses of living in an NT world, and a good support network. I developed slowly, and I just wasn't ready for exams etc. at the time they came along, I had to wait until I was ready otherwise it was a disaster. When I was ready it was a success. I think Aspies can't be pushed, especially when they are sufferring anxiety, they need time to get ready for each challenge.

    I am just trying to say, don't let what the NT world is doing be the guide for your Aspergirl, she may need to take things at her own rate.

    I hope you and your daughter find a way through this. I really feel for her and wish you both the very very best.

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