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Can't take anymore

ebonyuk72

Hi
My daughter is 15 and has Aspergers/Anxiety/School refusal. Two years ago she broke down and said she'd rather die than go to school and admitted trying to cut her wrists. Through CAMHS and her secondary school she was given home tutoring and has since moved into a special school that she attends part time. She seems to like it there, has some great friends and has done really well but, over the two years I've pretty much been on my own with it all.
My husband works long hours and while I'm sure he has Aspergers traits of his own, but he just doesn't understand our daughter or her problems at all, he simply thinks she "needs to get a grip" and have done with it. The rest of my family either don't want to know or dont understand and can't be bothered to try. Everything has been okay and we've been getting there until yesterday when my daughter suddenly broke down and started all over again. Nothing has changed, and nothing has happened at the school that I'm aware of so whats set her off I have no idea. Of course I'm worried for my daughters future as she should be starting her GCSE subjects in April, but if she can't even get her foot in the door of a school what chance has she got?

Yesterday she was crying and being sick at the mere thought of going to school, but I managed to calm her down and get her to go in, only for them to call and have her come home an hour later, she just couldn't cope with being there. Today has been the same, crying and being sick whenever the word 'school' is mentioned, its history repeating itself and I'm not sure I can go through it all again. I dont know weather to try and push her in for one lesson because I fear if I let her stay home it'll go on and on and she'll never get back in again, or let her stay home only to have her pick up and act like nothing is wrong, until you mention school again.

Maybe it sounds selfish I dont know, but I honestly dont think I can go through it all again. No one in my family ever asks how I'm coping with it and just expect me to carry on as if nothing else is happening. My Dad is disabled and I care for him too, he can't understand Aspergers at all so just puts more and more on me without stopping to think what else i may have going on. He's going to have a fit when he finds out my daughter has had a relapse as it were.

I feel like I have no support, no answers and no one cares and i just dont know what else to do.

Parents

  • Hi

    Sounds like you have been to hell and back all of you.

    I can relate a little to what you are going through as I think we are in the initial stages of your journey where our 10 yr old says things like he would rather die than go to school and "I wish I could rewind my life so I could kill myself as a baby".  Horrible to hear as a Mum but I also know he has no proportion in terms of the language he uses or empathy to know how horrific it is for me to here.  He has had time off school due to anxiety and we are gradually easing him back in with a struggle at times.  As you say, once the pattern is there it does get repeated and something just seems to trigger it off again and take them back to that place, time, emotional process.

    Do you have an Ed Psych that could offer some suggestions, strategies to try or the Paedatrician.  I am sure you have tried and thought of these but here goes anyway - reduced or minimal hours until she starts to recover/calm, accompanying her to school, putting GCSE's off for a year or reducing the amount of subjects being taken, a short holiday.  I am just thinking randomly as I want to offer you some support at such a difficult time as I am sure others will.  Is there anyone she confides in that may be able to get to the core of the anxiety so you can help her with it?

    It is very tough when those closest do not understand.  I deal with this in viewing it as they are unable to, they are scared of what they do not understand and it overwhelms them.  They do not mean to hurt you, they just do not have the capability or strength that you have to face up to it and support your daughter whatever it takes. 

    Do your best to keep yourself well, plenty of sleep, eat well and get out and about even if for a short time.  This is the pot calling the kettle black as I know this is what I should be doing when I get overwhelmed with everything, but the adrenalin kicks in and you easily forget to look after yourself.  You will be stronger for it though and be able to think more clearly to find a way through.  Health for you both is the most important priority.

    Are you part of an NAS Support Group/Branch?  They can be very helpful in giving ideas.

    Sounds like you are a fantastic Mum doing your best for your daughter. 

    Stay strong.

     

Reply

  • Hi

    Sounds like you have been to hell and back all of you.

    I can relate a little to what you are going through as I think we are in the initial stages of your journey where our 10 yr old says things like he would rather die than go to school and "I wish I could rewind my life so I could kill myself as a baby".  Horrible to hear as a Mum but I also know he has no proportion in terms of the language he uses or empathy to know how horrific it is for me to here.  He has had time off school due to anxiety and we are gradually easing him back in with a struggle at times.  As you say, once the pattern is there it does get repeated and something just seems to trigger it off again and take them back to that place, time, emotional process.

    Do you have an Ed Psych that could offer some suggestions, strategies to try or the Paedatrician.  I am sure you have tried and thought of these but here goes anyway - reduced or minimal hours until she starts to recover/calm, accompanying her to school, putting GCSE's off for a year or reducing the amount of subjects being taken, a short holiday.  I am just thinking randomly as I want to offer you some support at such a difficult time as I am sure others will.  Is there anyone she confides in that may be able to get to the core of the anxiety so you can help her with it?

    It is very tough when those closest do not understand.  I deal with this in viewing it as they are unable to, they are scared of what they do not understand and it overwhelms them.  They do not mean to hurt you, they just do not have the capability or strength that you have to face up to it and support your daughter whatever it takes. 

    Do your best to keep yourself well, plenty of sleep, eat well and get out and about even if for a short time.  This is the pot calling the kettle black as I know this is what I should be doing when I get overwhelmed with everything, but the adrenalin kicks in and you easily forget to look after yourself.  You will be stronger for it though and be able to think more clearly to find a way through.  Health for you both is the most important priority.

    Are you part of an NAS Support Group/Branch?  They can be very helpful in giving ideas.

    Sounds like you are a fantastic Mum doing your best for your daughter. 

    Stay strong.

     

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