Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everybody,
I am sorry but we are failing, we don't know what to do or where to turn. Our son, was diagnosed with aspergers at an early age and is now twenty-one.
We have tried and tried to encourage him, tried and tried to help and support him but we are failing. He left school three years ago and now there is nothing. His daily routine is simply sitting in his bedroom, on his laptop,day in day out. We cannot say or do anything that will encourage him to look for any form of work, any form of social interaction outside his room.
We feel we are enslaved to him, washing for him, feeding him, clothing him, basically providing everything thing he needs. We have tried and tried to talk to him, encourage him but we have failed. We, not our son, have applied for jobs for him, wrote a CV for him, managed to get him a few voluntary jobs. He as simply walked away from them.
We really don't know what to do, all we seem to do now is worry ourselves sick about his future. There is no motivation, no interest and now he is becoming physically out of shape. We try to encourage him to join in with family events, he shows no interest and makes excuses simply to go back to him room.
Night after night now we simply try to formulate ideas, discuss it over and over again and most of the time it simply ends with us in tears, through worry.
Sorry for the long post but we really are the point where we feel we are failing.
Dear Grumpy Old Man
I'm really sorry if my suggestions were unhelpful or made things worse - that wasn't my intention. As an Aspie myself, empathy isn't my strong point and I sometimes say things which upset people without meaning to.
If you do come back and read this, I'd like to explain why I said what I did.
I'm a woman in my 50s. Aspergers was not known of when I was growing up - I only found out about myself early this year, so nobody knew I had it. My parents were difficult to live with - very self absorbed and argued a lot, but they wouldn't let me give up, which I think was a good thing. When I got depression as a 16 year old, my mother took me to the doctor and got me prescribed a course of mild anti depressants, but I was expected to finish my studies for the remainder of the school year, take my exams and then get a job and contribute to the household income. I was expected to help with household chores from a young age. Although nobody knew I had aspergers, that didn't mean I didn't have it - I didn't just develop it this year, it's how I was born.
I can also tell you a true story about a young man who probably has aspergers, who behaved exactly like your son after leaving school. He eventually chose to join the army, against his parents advice, and did well. He didn't stay long, but learned a lot from it.
People with aspergers have great potential, but sometimes need a challenge and to be pointed in the right direction. It might help you to watch the documentary about Temple Grandin - she was non verbal autistic as a young child, written off by her father as retarded, but with the support of her mother she eventually went to university and is now a leading figure in the field of animal behaviour.
Also you say "most of the time it simply ends with us in tears, through worry.", which leads me to wonder if you need support for depression. I would urge you to seek help.
Good luck :)