• Replies 2 replies
  • Subscribers 65 subscribers
  • Views 640 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Young adult Son with HFA - No contact for a year. What to do?

Miss Bee

Hello all

I have a son who is 19 with HFA. He left home at 18 to live with his Dad, (we separated 10 years ago) but that didn`t work out and he was thrown out. My son had no where to live, and no income or benefits, and living in another city. But he didn`t want to come home, as in his mind this would be giving up.

I felt like I needed to do something to help, so I gave him the contact details of a local organisation which provides welfare information, advice  and support to people with autistm and aspergers. He was highly offended. He knows he has a diagnosis, which was confirmed when he was 12, but he has always struggled with it. His father has always fought against the diagnosis, telling my son 'there is nothing wrong with him'. I tried to talk in positive terms about autism throughout the process, but in my son`s mind it became something awful. In the lead up to the diagnosis I really needed some help, as it was hard going looking after him growing up and I needed to understand how best to support him, and to make life better for all of us (I have 2 other younger children as well). I think the diagnosis did help me understand our differences better, and to be more accomodating and patient when we were struggling.

My son has refused to see me, or speak to me since I sent him the contact details of the support organisation, and this was over a year ago. It is very painful. I have tried to speak to him several times, but he always blanks me, or cuts me off on the phone. So I have given him space, thinking perhaps he will contact me if he needs to. I think it is about him rejecting his diagnosis, and rejecting me because I have faced him with it. His exact words were 'How dare you, I am the most nerotypical person I know!'

I can rationalise it, and understand that he needs to be a separate adult, but it is hard not to knowing how he is, or even where he is living. It seems that he has decided that he is on to the next phase of his life, and his family, myself and his sisters no longer have a place in this. 

It`s been a tough journey so far, and it doesn`t seem to be getting any easier now he is a young adult. I don`t know quite what to do for the best.  I could just wait and hope one day he decides he wants to connect with us again. Or I could just keep trying every now and again to make contact. Last time I sent him a birthday present and card he sent it back.

Maybe I should be happy he is out in the world finding his own way, but I wish it didn`t have to mean complete separation. His little sister is only 7 and really misses him, as do I.

Has anyone else had a similar situation? Any words of wisdom?

Thanks for reading.

Parents

  • I can relate to your relationship with your son. I have HF Apergers and have a son with HF Aspergers (16yrs) and when he was diagnosed at 14 I admit I was pushy with him to understand what it's all about as he became more and more angry. I realised I need to just focus on keeping our relationship and never brought it up. Our relationship couldn't be better! We went to lunch a couple of weeks ago and spoke openly about Aspergers. 

    In another situation with my older son (20) he is a very emotional person with mental health issues (ADHD ODD Generalized anxiety disorder, possible personality disorder). We could never get along since forever. He always thought I spoke mean (I am very matter of fact) to him but the other kids were so accepting with how we communicate. They love that I'm upfront and honest but the older son struggled with it as I struggled with his emotional decision making. He runs completely on emotions. Well it has just been in the last year we have realy been connecting better after 3 years of disconnect, but not completely no communication. Although when I had to send him to my brother's to live at 14 because he was ungovernable, he didn't speak to me for nearly a year. I just let him come to me when he was ready.

Reply

  • I can relate to your relationship with your son. I have HF Apergers and have a son with HF Aspergers (16yrs) and when he was diagnosed at 14 I admit I was pushy with him to understand what it's all about as he became more and more angry. I realised I need to just focus on keeping our relationship and never brought it up. Our relationship couldn't be better! We went to lunch a couple of weeks ago and spoke openly about Aspergers. 

    In another situation with my older son (20) he is a very emotional person with mental health issues (ADHD ODD Generalized anxiety disorder, possible personality disorder). We could never get along since forever. He always thought I spoke mean (I am very matter of fact) to him but the other kids were so accepting with how we communicate. They love that I'm upfront and honest but the older son struggled with it as I struggled with his emotional decision making. He runs completely on emotions. Well it has just been in the last year we have realy been connecting better after 3 years of disconnect, but not completely no communication. Although when I had to send him to my brother's to live at 14 because he was ungovernable, he didn't speak to me for nearly a year. I just let him come to me when he was ready.

Children
No Data