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Aggressive Son

leanne35

Hi All,

Just wondered if anyone out there has had the same experience as me and if so was it resolved and how?

I have two sons aged 11 and 13 who are both autistic. My house is akin to living in a war zone at the moment by where I am the enemy!

My eldest has to be micro managed in the morning in order for him to be ready for school on time. He attends mainstream and I drive him. Each morning he appears to make a deliberate attempt to be late which is now affecting his attendance record for which I have been pulled up on by the school. This morning he was being insubordinate so I took his phone from him as it was distracting him. Amongst being called every single name under the sun he also lashed out at me physically then started on his brother. It was an all out mission to control the situation (I'm on my own) and to keep them apart and everyone safe. My youngest son also lashes out at me when he is distressed and can't get his own way, again calling me names, spitting in my face etc. This is not an example that has been set for them and I am at a loss how to stop them doing this. I have explained that physical assaults are not called for and they cannot go through life lashing out at every tiny thing that doesn't agree with them.

My youngest has just started secondary mainstream and so far has managed 1 full day. He's on an exclusion at the moment which means he or I can't leave the house during school time. This is hindering my training at the moment as I am trying to pursue a career as a personal trainer so I am able to work my own hours and therefore still be at home when school finishes for them. I fear he is going to exhaust his options and be excluded for good which means no other mainstream will accept him and we hardly have any special needs secondary schools in the area.

I appreciate that their world is a tough place and I have tried so many methods over the years. I am training also in CBT in order to help them as CAMHS pretty much don't exist in our area. I have done the Triple P also. I'm on anti anxiety medication now and have lost some weight (I know some women wouldn't mind that but as a body builder I need to eat in order to build the muscle mass!). I don't have many expectations, I just want them to be decent members of society but their lack of control I fear will have negetaive consequences for them in the long run. The school is very supportive but there is only so much they can do in their capacity. Someone did mention contacting social services but to be honest, I don't want them involved. Having spoken to parents in similar situations the general consensus is that they are under funded and over stretched anyway.

Has anyone else had similar experiences? if so how do you deal with it?

Many thanks in advance.

  • i am recently once again a single dad with my asperges boy aged 13 (who also has some other complex needs)

    his mum once again has rejected him and won't speak with him. She called the police many times after attacks from my boy but I do believe his mum being similar in ways has not helped the situation. Nonetheless I have many challenges that I seem to so be faced with in decision making and also getting my boy the right services and strategies for him and his outbursts when he feels he has lost control.

    he is high functioning so when first meeting him anyone would believe him to be the so called norm. He has many interests that he is way above the average child in remembering (mainly facts of course). But sadly in many areas in communication social interaction CBT spatitial awareness he scores in the bottoms percentile, in other words 99% of other children would score higher. 

    The sad thing is that he believes he doesn't have problems and says he does bad English because he doesn't like it. 

    He goes to an asperges school with 7 other children in the school however from the beginning the isolated him saying the other children are frightened by him as he likes to be physical hugging etc and the other are introvert. 

    So he has been isolated for two years and wants so bad to go to mainstream but his recent assessment will not be accepted as too much support needed. This will break his heart as he doesn't want to go to the school he is at, and sadly his mum said you try hard and you will get into mainstream I promise. Now this was said with the best intentions but in ignorance too. As now he feels punished going to school where he has tried really hard.

    CAMHs are just a waste of time, social services too, I have no PA in which his mum had 23 hours per week, any respite would help me as I'm exhausted. However he doesn't want a PA as he said as people laugh at him. And he wants friends no adults. he can't comprehend that I need rest and being epileptic if I have a seizure who will look after him?

    His aggression is a really hard thing to handle, he has always used this as a tool of control, and caused thousands of pounds worth of damage, he swears all the time, he tries to make me feel like a lousy father and yet he has no one left in his life. 

    I want him in a special school where he comes home for weekend but I know he won't want this he is head set on mainstream for Xmas, which believe me isn't going to happen because I know he is too e pensive to support despite his abilities.

    so I'm frightened to tell him this, due to his self worth and aggression. Any ideas?

    I also want to know be a use he suffer high anxiety all the time which fuels his aggression  is there a temporary medication alongside therapy that would be good so he can have space in his mind to take in strategies to his violent responses, just for this short period and so that his future is as safe as it can be 

    as in the streets when I have left him to play, he either bullies after so long with his agenda

    or meets older children away from my house who see his vulnerability to be needed/ accepted by his peers and despite being big and strong he always ends up hurt emotionally from these older or more streetwise kids. Which I believe will happen at mainstream too.

    please any suggestions - as my job and sickness is now starting to impact upon me 

    thanks 

  • I cannot give you help, but I can sympathise.  My daughter is 8 and is going through a very violent phase at the moment, she also hits me, spits in my face and uses every word she can think of to hurt me. (Thank fully we haven't learnt swear words just yet).  However I am called fat and stupid alot of the time, and many other things.  I have been having allsorts thrown at me from clothes to much heavier objects.  We appear to be having about 10 meltdowns a day at the minute, it is driving me mad.  I have a 3 year old and I have to keep making sure she is nowhere near him just in case.  Personally I wouldn't call social services, unless you wanted to, I think once it is done, it cannot be undone.  Do you have an FSP plan set up where you can have help from other professionals?  I don't know your situation, but my husband passed away in May after a long illness, so we are also on our own.  Hopefully, we will all make it in the end.

  • Hi leanne35,

    So sorry to hear that you are stuggling with your sons.

    It may help to contact the NAS Specialist Behaviour Advice service- the details are here: http://www.autism.org.uk/services/helplines/main/specialist.aspx

     


    We have a page on our website that centres around physical challenging behaviour. It includes possible causes, as well as strategies and interventions that you could try:

    http://www.autism.org.uk/about/behaviour/challenging-behaviour/physical.aspx


    I hope that helps.

     

    Kerri-Mod