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How to deal with aspergers daughter going to fathers home??

normandylass

Help!!

My daughter is going through a nightmare at the moment. We are awaiting assesments but all involved beleive that my 5 year old daughter has ASD. Her father and I  seperated and divorced almost 4 years ago and she usually goes to her fathers house with two older sisters for 10-14 days per month (as he works away).

Her father refuses to accept there is a problem and even though I have begged him to research ASD he has not. Over the last 2/3 months it has been increasingly more difficult to get her to her fathers house as she refuses to go, says she isn't happy there and that she hates him!! He insists that it is the change from house to house that is the issue of which i obviously agree with but when she is coming here she is fine. I don't know how she is there as he only tells me what he thinks i want to hear and not neccessarily the way she is truthfully.

I have done nothing but research and although every day is still a learning curve for the two of us, she is becoming calmer by the day and we are understanding much better her little ways and I aim to keep her calm as much as possible. 

I am now sat sobbing as my ex husband has been and had to carry her out to the car kicking and sreaming, to which she then let herself back out of the car and came to run into the house, he has bundled her in and whisked her away hysterically screaming and kicking the door and seat trying to get out of the car. 

What do I do???? I am adament that she needs to be kept calm and that we should rally to help her yet he just has the opinion that he is entitled to have her for the time when he is home and he doesn't seem to think distressing her like this is a problem!! 

I am thinking of going to the solicitors to seek there advice but wonder if anyone has come across a similar situation that could offer any advice to help both me and y beautiful girl .

Any advise would be welcomed,,,,a distressed autism mummy  

 

Parents

  • It must be very upsetting for you to see your daughter so distressed,  I agree it is important to keep your daughter calm,  and you are obviously taking positive steps through research which is so important.

    Parents tend to fall into two catagories in the early days before a professional diagnosis is given.  There are parents like myself who recognise early on that their child is different, and although it is alarming and upsetting that parent will face it head on,  because they want to understand their child so that they can give them every bit of help and support that child may need.  The second catagory,  your ex husband is denial.  His reaction is a comon one,  it is totally understandable but not very helpful.

    You say your daughter is awaiting assesments.  It is important to try to encourage your ex husband to be involved in that process.  He needs to hear what the professionals have to say,  so that he can accept the situation and gain an understanding of your daughter and her needs. 

    You appear to have come to terms with it and you are comming from a positive place which is fantastic for your daughter.  You ex husband may go through a period similar to grief,  I did and I wanted to know.  You will have to be patient with him,  it may take time.  Involvment is the key.

    Autistic people struggle with change in routine.  This may be the basis for your daughters anxiety when going to stay with her father.  It is important to prewarn your daughter in a positive way when these visits are due.  while she is calm and happy you can tell her how much daddy loves her,  tell her whats going to happen step by step.  Daddys going to pick you up at such a time in the car.  Keep reminding her through out the day.  If you have a routine that your daughter enjoys with you it would be worth while sharing that with your ex husband and explain that routine will give your daughter the reassurance she needs so that they can enjoy the time they spend together.

    You have a long road ahead of you, and it won't be easy,  but small steps will get you all where you need to be. 

Reply

  • It must be very upsetting for you to see your daughter so distressed,  I agree it is important to keep your daughter calm,  and you are obviously taking positive steps through research which is so important.

    Parents tend to fall into two catagories in the early days before a professional diagnosis is given.  There are parents like myself who recognise early on that their child is different, and although it is alarming and upsetting that parent will face it head on,  because they want to understand their child so that they can give them every bit of help and support that child may need.  The second catagory,  your ex husband is denial.  His reaction is a comon one,  it is totally understandable but not very helpful.

    You say your daughter is awaiting assesments.  It is important to try to encourage your ex husband to be involved in that process.  He needs to hear what the professionals have to say,  so that he can accept the situation and gain an understanding of your daughter and her needs. 

    You appear to have come to terms with it and you are comming from a positive place which is fantastic for your daughter.  You ex husband may go through a period similar to grief,  I did and I wanted to know.  You will have to be patient with him,  it may take time.  Involvment is the key.

    Autistic people struggle with change in routine.  This may be the basis for your daughters anxiety when going to stay with her father.  It is important to prewarn your daughter in a positive way when these visits are due.  while she is calm and happy you can tell her how much daddy loves her,  tell her whats going to happen step by step.  Daddys going to pick you up at such a time in the car.  Keep reminding her through out the day.  If you have a routine that your daughter enjoys with you it would be worth while sharing that with your ex husband and explain that routine will give your daughter the reassurance she needs so that they can enjoy the time they spend together.

    You have a long road ahead of you, and it won't be easy,  but small steps will get you all where you need to be. 

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