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Tantrums in 3-4 year old boy

MeeMoo

 
My autistic son gets very frustrated and has epic tantrums. It's killing us!!!

I really need ideas from any other parents or carers who have gone through this....

If he wants something he can't have, for example, it frequently leads to whining which then leads to a tantrum.

We certainly pick our battles but sometimes there's nothing you can do to avoid a meltdown. He shouts, screams, hits us, hits himself, and wears me down to breaking point.

I have post natal depression and anxiety so that's not hard to do. My partner is also under significant health stress after brain and heart problems this year.

These tantrums go on for 20-50 minutes, and can happen 1-4 times a day. He's nearly 4 now and I wonder when this will end.......?

He's so frustrated, knowing what he wants but being unable to express it in words, nor understand exactly what we're trying to tell him. 

Usually my partner takes him away and then the thing he's crying for switches to mummy. Then I can calm him by laying him in bed with a dummy and holding him.

But until that transition occurs - ie, he's taken away from me - there's nothing I can do to calm him, he just directs his anger at me.

Generally we try to ignore the behaviour, because doctors and therapists have told us to. 

My mum tells me this is too harsh and I should be holding him and talking to him while he tantrums.

I have tried the Happiest Toddler approach too, talking calmly in short sentences to reflect his feelings, and explaining what's going to happen instead.

It works sometimes, but othertimes it's like I'm talking another language.  He can't break out of the emotional cycle and understand what I'm saying. It's crazy.

Anyone have any experience with this? 

Thanks :) 

  • You have my absolute sympathy

    It is very similar behaviour that has led me back to this forum again. My son is 3 and they are almost done assessing him. If it comes back with no diagnosis, I just don't even know what I will do.

    I am a TA who has years of experience working with children with autism. I am on the spectrum myself. I am a foster mum and a qualified social worker.... can i figure something out to help my son? No. For all my training and different approaches I have been taught and used successfully in the past, I am right out of ideas

    In my home I have sensory toys, hidey holes, yoga poses, chewy toys, headphones, the list goes on. Right now nothing is helping.

    I remember going through a similar phase with my older son who was assessed because we hit crisis point and he ended up trying to cut his arm with a knife. But I REALLY do not want to get that point again. I figured it would be easier this time because coping with my older boy, who has settled well now, has taught me lots. But it's not easier.

    I am back to scouring the internet for anything that may help.

    Sorry I can't be of more use, but I hope you feel that you aren't alone and it is not your fault (despite what your anxiety may tell you!)

    Emma

  • Hi MeeMoo. My son is 4, 5in November and is very big for his age as well as very strong. He has recently starteds with violent meltdowns, he has never been one to express his emotions through physical methods until very recently. However, now that he has, it is very hard to deal with and upsetting for us all as well as very tiring. His outburss usually last for anything up to half an hour and once he settles (after time out) we can talk about the issue and all be friends again. 

    More recently though, once he calms down, he will just go silent and refuse to talk, be near us, or even look in our direction. This is making it very hard to resolve issues. Does anyone else gave this problem? Or have a good way to deal with it? X

  • Anonymous
    Anonymous

    Just remember that in autism, a tantrum isn't a child behaving badly to get their own way as with an NT child, it's genuine distress, like a panic or anxiety attack. Hopefully you will find what works in your situation.

  • Hi Mee moo, my son is 5 in 2 weeks, he is going through very similar to what your son is but he hasn't got a diagnosis. He has been refered for an assessment so we are just waiting to hear.

    I think ignoring is worth a try, it's not harsh if it helps and some times when I have tried to talk to my son or to touch him it makes things alot worse, but then other times if I stroke him it calms him, just depends on what mood he's in and why he is angry.

    My son doesn't hvae a diagnosis but I just keep trying different things, anything that i read or that is suggested by professionals.

    Hope that you find something that helps soon.