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May have overstepped my boundaries

stringer

Hi! I am seeking some advice on how to help my autistic adult niece get some friends and something to do.

My autistic niece is now 23 and lives with her mother and a younger brother who is 19.
Until the death of my sister's husband several years ago, I do not believe that they could ever fully accept that their daughter was autistic.
Only after his death did my sister actually come to accept that her daughter might have a disorder of some sort. 

My autistic niece had a meltdown after his passing. She got some therapy then and was put on Celexa. 

She had individual assistance to help her get through high school. Though, I don’t believe her education level is that of a high school graduate. I would place her mental level at about the age of 12-14. She is interested in everything Disney, Looney-Tunes, Batman, etc. and knows volumes about them. She also loves animals and is a veritable encyclopedia of knowledge about them, as well.

She gets along well with her mother and brother, but has no friends of her own, spending 8-10 hours a day in her room. She stays up all night in her room, getting up between noon and 2:00pm every day.

I live 5 hours away, but we spend time together sometimes on the phone and texting. She is very creative, and we spend a lot of time talking about stories she comes up with, including details of the many different characters which inhabit them and their relationships with each other.

She is very bright.

My sister is very difficult to speak with regarding her daughter's disorder and future plans. I believe she suffers from some extreme avoidance to all of this.

Last weekend, I offered to go with my sister to a place for young adults with ASD. We visited the place and upon leaving, my sister had a bit of a meltdown. Clearly, it had triggered something inside her. She was furious that I was meddling and attempting to run her over. She claimed that it was none of my business. Perhaps she is correct. 

Perhaps I have crossed a line. And, I will confess that I was angry in my attempt to get my sister to do something for my niece to get some friends and have something to do.

I may not have handled things well or correctly, and I hope I have explained things adequately. 

I am seeking some advice on how to proceed.

Thanks very much,
Stringer.

  • Thank you guys so much for your replies.  I think most people would regard me as pretty easy-going.  We have never really fought too much in our family, which is one of the things that makes this pretty difficult.  We tend to be pretty kind and accommodating to each other.

    Since our little blow-up, my sister and I made up some.  I have texted my niece, but as of yet had no reply.

    Perhaps I should just let it lie?  I have let my sister know that I will do anything for her and my niece and nephew.  And I believe she knows that to be true.

    Any suggestions or advice are welcome.  Thanks!

    Stringer

  • My thoughts are that you have to be there for your niece, let her know you care, keeping in contact like you mention sounds great, and when she wants to discuss things with you she can. But you can't be her mum, and you can't make your sister do things your way. Being one step removed you will always see things differently to her and that is a great strength for your niece, to know that there is someone who cares but is independent and to realise there is more than one point of view in the world.

    And you never know, if you give your sister time and space she may come to accept her daughters diagnosis more and find you a great ally.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    PS that score may suggest something or nothing - it is really hard to interpret. Do people find you hard to deal with? Do you have problems and disputes with people on a regular basis?

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    It is hard to suggest what you should do next. You say that it is very difficult to speak with your sister so perhaps you could let her make the next move. It can't hurt for you to apologise in any case as you suspect that you have overstepped the mark. Make the apology a clear unconditional apology (people with the tendencies can find this hard to do!) and just offer to be there for her if she wants you to help. The other thing you can do is discuss the situation with a friend and see what they suggest.

  • Interesting.  I got a 24.

    "22-25 shows autistic tendencies slightly above the population average"

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    No probs with you being the wrong side of the pond but some of the content is UK specific.

    You might like to try the free test at aspergerstest.net/.../ It is common for people not to realise that they are on the spectrum and OCD is also common in people on the spectrum so there may be something in that.

  • Hi!  Yes, I am in the US.  Sorry, I did not notice the ".uk" in the URL.

    I don't know of any other family members who have been diagnosed as such.  I take medication for OCD, so I can certainly see how I may obsess over a matter and make it worse.  I have never been diagnosed with autism.  I don't think my sister is autistic, either.  Clearly, she does have some triggers, though.

    Yes, my niece has a diagnosis of autism.

    Thanks so much for your reply.  Any other words of wisdom would be welcome! :)

    Stringer 

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    Hi Stringer,

    I have a few questions...

    1) Are in the US? A couple of your comments suggest that this might be the case. This is a UK website but that need not stop you taking part.

    2) Autism often runs in families and overstepping the mark is a thing that an autistic person is more likely to do so do you think you have traits yourself? Do you think your sister might be autistic?

    3) Does your niece have an actual diagnosis?