My son doesn't want to see me

NAS10665 said:

Hi AndySmith,

I am really sorry to hear that you are not currently seeing your son. I have experienced this personally so can completely relate to how you are feeling. It sounds like you really care for your son. There are a lot of people out there that would have given up by now, so keep your head high and don't give up! I have 2 children, a boy 7 who is high functioning autistic and a girl 4 who is suspected autistic. I also have Aspergers Syndrome.

Are there any support workers or professionals involved with your son that you can talk to? Professionals and the legal system will take the view that contact between children and the non-resident parent is beneficial and will support and enable it.

As clovis has suggested it may be worth sending your son a letter, if only to remind him he is in your thoughts and you love him. Although you did mention your ex has called the police so you would need to be careful about allegations of harassment.

For me the situation was slightly different. The reason I could not see them was because withholding contact was being used as a a means to cause harm and to exert a level of control over me (I was also being harassed by my ex partner at the time). Which is very unfortunate for the children too. It happened on several occasions ranging between a day and a week, before being stopped for over a month, at which point I took legal action.

Legal action is a last resort, it is not fast, it is not pretty but (in my case anyway) solves the problem. The legal system in the UK encourages parents to attempt to resolve issues themselves before going to court, which if possible is a much better way. I ended up going the whole way and now have a court order in place, things are much better for myself and most importantly my children.

I absolutely would not suggest that this is the right solution, it can often aggravate the situation. There could be merit in attending mediation though. Getting in a room with an impartial mediator may help you and you ex-partner agree a sensible plan for contact between yourself and your son. As an additional benefit it is a pre-requisite for family court applications - so if all else fails you will have moved 1 step closer to seeing your son.

Here are some websites you may feel useful

www.separateddads.co.uk/LegalCategory.html

www.gov.uk/.../types-of-court-order

fnf.org.uk/.../parental-responsibility

Hi gramit108,

Thanks very much for your reply and the useful links.

There are support workers involved with my son at school & his mum's.  For certain reason I can't hold of any of them.

My ex refused to give me the contact details of the support worker who is vising her & my son at home.  My ex said she passed on my contact details to the support worker.  I never received a call from her.

I tried to get hold of the support worker at school 4 times now.  Everytime I leave my phone number and I get promised a call back but haven't received a call yet!

Last time I spoke to my son, he said: "The Autism lady at school said to mummy to change her number!"  I was hoping she would offer more constructive advice.

I'm trying to avoid the legal route.  I'm trying to appeal to my ex's better nature & try to sort it ourselves.  Also, my ex's family are nice family and hopefully they'll help.

I feel my ex wants me to go the legal route because she knows if our son gets asked whether he wants to see me or not he'll say No.  As I said, legal route will be my very last resort.

It's interesting that mentioned mediation.  I spoke to Citizen Advice Bureau and they suggested the same thing.  I might give that a go.

I

NAS10665 said:

Hi AndySmith,

I am really sorry to hear that you are not currently seeing your son. I have experienced this personally so can completely relate to how you are feeling. It sounds like you really care for your son. There are a lot of people out there that would have given up by now, so keep your head high and don't give up! I have 2 children, a boy 7 who is high functioning autistic and a girl 4 who is suspected autistic. I also have Aspergers Syndrome.

Are there any support workers or professionals involved with your son that you can talk to? Professionals and the legal system will take the view that contact between children and the non-resident parent is beneficial and will support and enable it.

As clovis has suggested it may be worth sending your son a letter, if only to remind him he is in your thoughts and you love him. Although you did mention your ex has called the police so you would need to be careful about allegations of harassment.

For me the situation was slightly different. The reason I could not see them was because withholding contact was being used as a a means to cause harm and to exert a level of control over me (I was also being harassed by my ex partner at the time). Which is very unfortunate for the children too. It happened on several occasions ranging between a day and a week, before being stopped for over a month, at which point I took legal action.

Legal action is a last resort, it is not fast, it is not pretty but (in my case anyway) solves the problem. The legal system in the UK encourages parents to attempt to resolve issues themselves before going to court, which if possible is a much better way. I ended up going the whole way and now have a court order in place, things are much better for myself and most importantly my children.

I absolutely would not suggest that this is the right solution, it can often aggravate the situation. There could be merit in attending mediation though. Getting in a room with an impartial mediator may help you and you ex-partner agree a sensible plan for contact between yourself and your son. As an additional benefit it is a pre-requisite for family court applications - so if all else fails you will have moved 1 step closer to seeing your son.

Here are some websites you may feel useful

www.separateddads.co.uk/LegalCategory.html

www.gov.uk/.../types-of-court-order

fnf.org.uk/.../parental-responsibility

Hi gramit108,

Thanks very much for your reply and the useful links.

There are support workers involved with my son at school & his mum's.  For certain reason I can't hold of any of them.

My ex refused to give me the contact details of the support worker who is vising her & my son at home.  My ex said she passed on my contact details to the support worker.  I never received a call from her.

I tried to get hold of the support worker at school 4 times now.  Everytime I leave my phone number and I get promised a call back but haven't received a call yet!

Last time I spoke to my son, he said: "The Autism lady at school said to mummy to change her number!"  I was hoping she would offer more constructive advice.

I'm trying to avoid the legal route.  I'm trying to appeal to my ex's better nature & try to sort it ourselves.  Also, my ex's family are nice family and hopefully they'll help.

I feel my ex wants me to go the legal route because she knows if our son gets asked whether he wants to see me or not he'll say No.  As I said, legal route will be my very last resort.

It's interesting that mentioned mediation.  I spoke to Citizen Advice Bureau and they suggested the same thing.  I might give that a go.

I