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My son doesn't want to see me

AndySmith

Hi all,

I have a 11 year-old son. He's autistic. Myself & his mum got divorced years ago. There have been hardly any issues with my ex.

It hasn't been easy seeing my son as he isn't keen on moving from one house to another but overall things haven't been too bad.

I used to see him nearly every week.  For 10 years I phoned him regularly.  Lately he became more determined he didn't want to see me. This really upset me. 

I'm not perfect but I love him & try to do my best for him. 

I kept having discussions with his mum regarding this through emails & texts. His mum said our son didn't want to see me & that's the end of it.

I tried to persuade her that our son needs our help and that'll be good for him to maintain a good relationship with me.She said he talked to autism lady at school and expressed his feelings. 

She asked me to leave them alone and to come back in 6 months.  I tried to convince her that it would be better if we did something about it now by involving the professionals.

She blocked my number & reported me to the police.

I haven't seen nor spoken to my son for nearly 3 months.  I miss him.

Any suggestions anyone ?

Thank you.

Parents

  • NAS7937 said:

    I'm really sorry to hear of your painful separation from your son who you obviously love a great deal.

    We autistic people can be binary about our relationships, we want to see you or we don't, there is no middle ground as there is with neurotypical people. This can be hard to grasp if you're not autistic. It can feel wrong and arbitrary.

    Your son's reasons for not seeing you may have nothing to do with your actions, he may just be finding it very hard to cope with moving between two houses and two households. Again it is hard to understand how stressful we find such things if you are not autistic.

    I think you must give your son the space he has asked for, as you have been over the past months. You could write him a letter saying what you've been doing and asking for his news and that you love him. There is no point in using neurotypical 'reason' to persuade him to see you as its not our reason and makes no sense to us.

    Its a hard place to be for you but you're his dad and he will want to see you again. Right now the easiest way for him to cope is by not doing so. Just be there for him when he's ready.

    Hi clovis,

    Thanks very much for your reply.

    I'm trying to give him space.  I haven't seen him for 3 months now. 

    My son not wanting to see me, that's I can understand.  Bless him.  

    I can't however understand my ex reporting me to the police or not picking up my calls.  I thought it would be better if we work together & try to get all the help we can get for our son.

    I'm going to keep doing my best for him and hopefully, as you said, he'll want to see me again.

Reply

  • NAS7937 said:

    I'm really sorry to hear of your painful separation from your son who you obviously love a great deal.

    We autistic people can be binary about our relationships, we want to see you or we don't, there is no middle ground as there is with neurotypical people. This can be hard to grasp if you're not autistic. It can feel wrong and arbitrary.

    Your son's reasons for not seeing you may have nothing to do with your actions, he may just be finding it very hard to cope with moving between two houses and two households. Again it is hard to understand how stressful we find such things if you are not autistic.

    I think you must give your son the space he has asked for, as you have been over the past months. You could write him a letter saying what you've been doing and asking for his news and that you love him. There is no point in using neurotypical 'reason' to persuade him to see you as its not our reason and makes no sense to us.

    Its a hard place to be for you but you're his dad and he will want to see you again. Right now the easiest way for him to cope is by not doing so. Just be there for him when he's ready.

    Hi clovis,

    Thanks very much for your reply.

    I'm trying to give him space.  I haven't seen him for 3 months now. 

    My son not wanting to see me, that's I can understand.  Bless him.  

    I can't however understand my ex reporting me to the police or not picking up my calls.  I thought it would be better if we work together & try to get all the help we can get for our son.

    I'm going to keep doing my best for him and hopefully, as you said, he'll want to see me again.

Children
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