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Sibling missing contact due to brothers behaviour

j810092

Hey,

This is my first post here.  In November 2015, my eldest son of 7 was statemented as Autistic, he also suffers wth quite severe separation anxiety when faced with coming away from his mother for visits with me.

His mother and I separated in July 2011 and have since had many issues surrounding access and vissitation.  As it currently stands I am allowed only 4 and a half hours access a week as decided by a court.

Since January a host of issues with constant changes to the teachers in my sons class, he has become very unsettled and as a result it has caused his separation axiety to become much worse, so much so that he is often refusing to come away from his Mum.  My youngest son is the one that suffers as his Mum refuses to let him come away from the home without his brother, this causes my youngest son to become very upset as he wants to spend time with me and what ever we have planned this week.  The reason that my ex wife gives is that it is unfair on my eldest to miss out.

I would just like someone elses thoughts on this as I think that this is hugely unfair on my youngest and that, just maybe seeing his younger brother has had a good time will entice the eldest to want to start coming again.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts or advice.

Parents

  • I don't have any experience of being in this situation , but as an adult with mild autism who has worked as a special needs teaching assistant I just thought I'd suggest a few things. 

    Rather than being afraid tto leave his mother, your Autistic son may be scared to leave the security of his home where he feels safe. (Adults made this mistake with me when I was his age)

    Does he have problems dealing with noisy unfamiliar places? Are the things that you and your younger son enjoy likely to overload his senses and upset him, such as playgrounds, funfairs, football etc. with lots of people yelling?

    Perhaps you could think of something he would like to do related to his interests in a quieter location - maybe go to a zoo, a museum, or a library where he can choose books he likes for you to read together?

    If you still want to do more noisy, energy filled activities with your younger son, one compromise might be to see him one weekend and then the eldest one the next weekend to share quieter activities which he will enjoy. This would mean neither misses out, and most children enjoy one to one attention.

    You've identified that changes at school make him unsettled. Most people on the autism spectrum need to know when changes are going to happen and what exactly is going to happen. He may not yet have much understanding of time,  but perhaps he could be given a calendar with the date marked on it when he will see you and what you plan to do written on it, and can be taught to mark off the days each morning, so he will know when it is the day he is seeing you. If you can arrive late morning or early afternoon that will give him time to prepare. Encourage him to bring a favourite toy, to help him feel more secure.

    Good luck 

Reply

  • I don't have any experience of being in this situation , but as an adult with mild autism who has worked as a special needs teaching assistant I just thought I'd suggest a few things. 

    Rather than being afraid tto leave his mother, your Autistic son may be scared to leave the security of his home where he feels safe. (Adults made this mistake with me when I was his age)

    Does he have problems dealing with noisy unfamiliar places? Are the things that you and your younger son enjoy likely to overload his senses and upset him, such as playgrounds, funfairs, football etc. with lots of people yelling?

    Perhaps you could think of something he would like to do related to his interests in a quieter location - maybe go to a zoo, a museum, or a library where he can choose books he likes for you to read together?

    If you still want to do more noisy, energy filled activities with your younger son, one compromise might be to see him one weekend and then the eldest one the next weekend to share quieter activities which he will enjoy. This would mean neither misses out, and most children enjoy one to one attention.

    You've identified that changes at school make him unsettled. Most people on the autism spectrum need to know when changes are going to happen and what exactly is going to happen. He may not yet have much understanding of time,  but perhaps he could be given a calendar with the date marked on it when he will see you and what you plan to do written on it, and can be taught to mark off the days each morning, so he will know when it is the day he is seeing you. If you can arrive late morning or early afternoon that will give him time to prepare. Encourage him to bring a favourite toy, to help him feel more secure.

    Good luck 

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