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Help! Wife of ASD Husband

corgilady003

Hi All,

There is only a parents and carers category, I guess that makes me a carer as the wife of a man with high fuctioning autism formerly known as Aspergers... I am here because I just don't know how to cope anymore. I am sitting here on my computer alone again after the 3rd meltdown today over absolutely nothing.

I was trying to avoid a situation where I just wanted to cry and scream because I can't take it, so I walked away before it escalated, and then I got a shout from the kitchen "I can't help feeling you're annoyed at me" and I kept trying to diffuse and avoid, because god forbid I am frustrated, then I get to hear how it is my fault for being there or asking him to do something or not being able to cater to every need in that second. I said no I just needed to walk away so it didn't spiral out of control. He kept pushing and getting angry at me for walking away, and I said no seriously this isn't okay I left the room because I could tell it was becoming a bad situation. So now I have a full and complete meltdown on my hands. Neither of us are now able to get what we need to get done, he has completely abandoned his task, and laid down on top of our bed and here I am having to go finish his task, finish my task, and go apologise for upsetting him and try and spend the next hour not getting to go to sleep but instead fixing him. And it is just not fair. I love him but I can't imagine how the hell I am supposed to be with him for another 10 years let alone 50 or 60. Or how we are supposed to possibly start a family in a year or two.

I am exhausted and at my wits end and so so depressed by it all that I just came here in the hope that someone will reach out. I don't want to get divorced, and I have no idea how I'd even start over... but I feel so so stupid half the time for getting myself into this mess by falling in love and not realising what it really meant to be married to someone on the spectrum.

I'm sorry if this sounds negative, I am just having a really hard time.

 Thank you...

Parents

  • Hi Corgilady

    I, like you, have an ASD partner. No, it's not always easy and I can assure you you are not alone. 

    We know our natural reaction is to remove ourselves from the situation to prevent it spiralling, in our case that is the worst thing I can do. I'm learning to ride out the storm, and not allow myself to get overly upset with the thoroughly unpleasant things that are being said and remind myself that he really has no control over this. An incident that can trigger a meltdown, to us may seem totally trivial and their resulting behaviour completely unreasonable, but our minds don't work the same way.

    Try looking at:  Aspie Warrior - Breaking down a Meltdown &

    psychcentral.com/.../5-tips-for-loving-someone-with-aspergers-syndrome. I found them to be very helpful.

    It is also worth reading some of the general discussions on this forum, historical posts from people such as Longman, Classic Codger & Electra, whilst they may not be addressing your immediate issue, they are very insightful and eloquent people who have helped me get a better grip ASD.

    There is also another site - Different Together, which you may find useful.

    Supporting an ASD person means you have to love them the most when they are at their least lovable. You cannot change them, don't even begin to try, when things are calm that is the time to talk and work together at coping strategies for you both. What you must remember is this will not go away. No - it isn't fair, it's even less fair for him, his world is totally alien to that of the NT and unless you try to gain real insight into his world (don't expect to completely understand it) you will have a miserable time and so will he.

    Be positive and remember the things that made you fall in love with him, without the ASD he is not that person.

    Good luck

Reply

  • Hi Corgilady

    I, like you, have an ASD partner. No, it's not always easy and I can assure you you are not alone. 

    We know our natural reaction is to remove ourselves from the situation to prevent it spiralling, in our case that is the worst thing I can do. I'm learning to ride out the storm, and not allow myself to get overly upset with the thoroughly unpleasant things that are being said and remind myself that he really has no control over this. An incident that can trigger a meltdown, to us may seem totally trivial and their resulting behaviour completely unreasonable, but our minds don't work the same way.

    Try looking at:  Aspie Warrior - Breaking down a Meltdown &

    psychcentral.com/.../5-tips-for-loving-someone-with-aspergers-syndrome. I found them to be very helpful.

    It is also worth reading some of the general discussions on this forum, historical posts from people such as Longman, Classic Codger & Electra, whilst they may not be addressing your immediate issue, they are very insightful and eloquent people who have helped me get a better grip ASD.

    There is also another site - Different Together, which you may find useful.

    Supporting an ASD person means you have to love them the most when they are at their least lovable. You cannot change them, don't even begin to try, when things are calm that is the time to talk and work together at coping strategies for you both. What you must remember is this will not go away. No - it isn't fair, it's even less fair for him, his world is totally alien to that of the NT and unless you try to gain real insight into his world (don't expect to completely understand it) you will have a miserable time and so will he.

    Be positive and remember the things that made you fall in love with him, without the ASD he is not that person.

    Good luck

Children
  • in reply to missdmeena

    Hello to all.

    I am currently trying to find ways of changing who I am! Well at least analysing who I am and hopefully start to accept that although I am guilty of being the same as many Aspergers men in relationships, I at least through knowledge can try to adapt for the sanity of my wife.

    This is an older thread but has useful links and advice from partners struggling to just keep going!

    Can I also add that not ALL Aspergers or ASD men are the same anymore than so called neurotypical men.

    Some Aspergers men do have well,,,to much emotion and sensitivity, a shame they cannot allow it to help the relationship rather than use it to complain and have meltdowns every time “ he” isn’t happy or getting things his way.