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I'm on a verge of disliking my stepdaughter who has AS

Dodo

Hello All,

I have known my stepdaughter for about 4 years. She was 11 yrs when I first met, now nearly 15. I did not have my own child but due to my current marriage, I became her stepmother.

I always loved (or tried to love) her. I prefer her to my stepson who is 'normal'. Because she is honest. She doesn't pretend she likes me, but she does. I think people who know AS children know what I mean.

However, recently she has suddenly showing a very cold side to me, almost disliking me or hating me for being her dad's wife. She (I think) has struggled to cope with her parent's divorce. She was the one who was always too scared because she believed her mother say 'we will be homeless without dad'. (I did not know my husband then, so I am not the cause of the separation).

From the first time I met her, we have developed quite a good relationship until two christmases ago. During that time, we got married, and she was so happy to see me become her stepmother. She was very cuddly, always following me, loving what I cook for her: showing good close relationship. But one day, after coming back from her maternal grandmother's place to spend her Christmas, she changed completely, and refused to see us (my husband and myself) for a long period of time.

Since then, on and off, we have tried hard to be accepted by her. But again, after this Christmas, her attitude has changed, and she shows almost no interest at all in my presence. 

To be very honest with you, I am fed up with her changable attitude, and I feel I am started to disliking her. I cannot see her coming back to me or carrying on seeing me when she gets older than 18, when my husband's obligation to see her expires.

It might be wrong to expect a reward to see a child, but this is my true feeling. I do not want to invest a lot of warm emotions to her to find out in the future that I am refused by her. I have always provided love and affection and almost sacrificed my every other weekends. (I know this is just a part-time stepmotherhood).

Is there anybody else who is in a similar situation? Any stepmothers or stepfathers with your partner's offspring? How can you cope with the situation?

Thank you very much for reading such a long post.

Regards,

Dodo

PS: I mistakenly uploaded my comment to a wrong area. Sorry for disturbing other people's discussion. I successfully found this correct area to start a discussion.

  • Hello JennyRobin,

    Thank you very much for your kind comment. As you have also got a daughter who has Aspergers, your words lingers in my head nicely. Yes, there must be lots and lots of changes happening to her body, and they have to cope with 'strangeness' of growing up. I can easily imagine how difficult it could be for her.

    >Just be there for her, but give her space too, and I think things will improve as time goes on. 

    This is so simple, but very important - I agree. Give her some space to breath, but always keep close distance - maybe the key.

    This weekend, my step kids are coming to see me. I was so not looking forward to it, but now I can say to myself that it might be okay.

    Thank you!

    Dodo

  • Hello Azalea,

    Thank you very much for your considerable post. I feel I am a little bit empowered. Your insight seems so correct, and yes, her period has just started (6 months ago?) and so the hormones are pumping in her body for sure. Christmas breakdowns, after your explanation, seem quite a normal thing. As she was really affected by her dad moving out her house and started a new life without her. Family occassions may make those think back, and might have brought her fresh resentment.

    But most interesting point is the last one you mentioned. 

    > Sometimes these things happen for no reason at all, other times they're triggered by something as simple as a thought that pops into my head and then keeps coming back. The result is a life ruled by sickening fear.

    My stepdaughter mentions her anxiety a lot. She is constantly scared of something... She cannot get on a bus on her own, she cannot lock public toilet doors. So I wonder if such a vivid imagination leads you to believe in your fantasy? I have a similar tendency, so I can emphasise that. 

    I am very sure that AS people or people with autism are not hateful or disliked - it all depends on a person, and there must be nice, loveable people there. I believe in that. As I always loved my stepdaughter for her uniqueness and honesty, I will hang on to it.

    Thank you very much again for giving me hope, and positive inspirations!

    Dodo

  • hi Dodo

    I too think being a teenager has an impact on her behaviour too.  

    My daughter has ASD Aspergers and her behaviour has been really challenging at times.

    There is such a lot of emotional stuff happening with teenagers that they can't understand as they are growing up (even neuro-typicals struggle as well) plus the stress of school, and worries about the future.  

    Just be there for her, but give her space too, and I think things will improve as time goes on.  

  • Hello recombinantsocks,

    Thank you very much for giving an opinion from the other side of the party. I can see the picture from your (or AS/autistic child's) point of view. You are absolutely right that my stepdaughter has nothing wrong that I should blame at. It is not her, but the condition which makes the situation complicated. But there's one thing I am still struggling to understand from a deep place in my heart. Is it impossible to develop a decent interpersonal relationship with a child/grown-up with autism or on spectrum?

    I have got a feeling that we can still develop a decent relationship - so there is still hope - but I am getting really tired of being tested (maybe not intentionally) or going on a roller coaster of ups and downs.

    Thank you.

    PS and thank you again for letting me know how to delete the message!

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    You are right to think it wrong expect a reward in a transactional manner. Being a parent works better if the parent realises that it is best to be unconditional and to hope for reciprocity rather than demanding it.

    She did not ask for you to join her family and being a child, does not have the maturity or experience to understand how it could work and how you are not responsible for the situation.

    She will also have profound barriers that will inhibit her understanding of emotional matters. Autistic people are often not liked and are often bullied, it actually isn't her fault that she isn't good at forming relationships with new people. 

    I am sorry if this seems judgemental but my sympathy, as another autistic person, tends to gravitate to the person that seems to me to be the real victim of the story who has the fewest choices and least ability to do anything to resolve the impasse.