Talking through the door

Yes, i think there is much in what you say.  It does feel as though he is more of a teenager still, not yet ready to make the transition. 

I am not sure about the household rules, although there will be things of which I'm not aware or of which I haven't become fully conscious.  We have a very relaxed household, generally speaking, but I can only guess at the possible effects of any unspoken rules or expectations.  Even then, I'm not sure how to ease off on these.  They're probably just kind of "out there."  My acknowledged worry about his reclusiveness could be interpreted as a demand that he be other than what he is, our older son's universaity life could be seen as an expectation that he also takes this route.  I can imagine, but he's not voiced anything.  

The room sharing:  our sons shared a room until they were around 15/13 and problems began to emerge.  Our younger son stopped talking to our older son (no arguments, just became more and more aloof and unfriendly) and there was a stony atmosphere.  Both wanted their own room and we reshuffled things to allow them each their privacy.  At the time I felt disappointed as I could remember enjoying sharing a room with my sister and talking together late into the night.  But I reasoned that this was part of growing up and that boys might somehow be different.  I now know it was more than that.  

The computer:  Any suggestion of any rules has tended to backfire badly on us.  I recently had trouble getting my son to sleep in his own room, instead of in an armchair or on the floor and, although I started off gently, this resulted in an argument, following which he took all his money and left the house to escape the "negative energy", being brought back by the police a day or so later.  The computer started off downstairs with various rules attached but, over the years, we have been ground down as this also seemed to become a major issue and flashpoint.  He now just moves the computer into whichever room he's sleeping, something which varies depending upon the negative energy and where he perceives it to be worst.  I think it is fair to say that we are treading on eggshells and I fear raising the subject (if he would even talk to me, that is).

I probably need to have a closer look at any unspoken rules, though.  These will probably have built up over time and become less obvious to me but, as with all families, they will surely be there.  I wonder whether the things we say, however gentle, are contradicted by the weight of "energy" that has built up over the years?  this could prove very hard to undo.  There are also, no doubt, negative energies created by my husband's severe depression and my own reactions to a chronic physical illness.  These will be swirling around too and we couldn't pretend otherwise.  To be honest, I was hoping my son would be able to find more outside the home in order to dilute the effects of what's going on inside.  This looks increasingly unlikely, although we have made it clear that we would support him in whatever he wanted (i.e. with the proviso that it's safe, whatever takes his interest or gives him pleasure and not necessarily the conventional paths through life which, in our experience, have been grossly over-rated).

Yes, i think there is much in what you say.  It does feel as though he is more of a teenager still, not yet ready to make the transition. 

I am not sure about the household rules, although there will be things of which I'm not aware or of which I haven't become fully conscious.  We have a very relaxed household, generally speaking, but I can only guess at the possible effects of any unspoken rules or expectations.  Even then, I'm not sure how to ease off on these.  They're probably just kind of "out there."  My acknowledged worry about his reclusiveness could be interpreted as a demand that he be other than what he is, our older son's universaity life could be seen as an expectation that he also takes this route.  I can imagine, but he's not voiced anything.  

The room sharing:  our sons shared a room until they were around 15/13 and problems began to emerge.  Our younger son stopped talking to our older son (no arguments, just became more and more aloof and unfriendly) and there was a stony atmosphere.  Both wanted their own room and we reshuffled things to allow them each their privacy.  At the time I felt disappointed as I could remember enjoying sharing a room with my sister and talking together late into the night.  But I reasoned that this was part of growing up and that boys might somehow be different.  I now know it was more than that.  

The computer:  Any suggestion of any rules has tended to backfire badly on us.  I recently had trouble getting my son to sleep in his own room, instead of in an armchair or on the floor and, although I started off gently, this resulted in an argument, following which he took all his money and left the house to escape the "negative energy", being brought back by the police a day or so later.  The computer started off downstairs with various rules attached but, over the years, we have been ground down as this also seemed to become a major issue and flashpoint.  He now just moves the computer into whichever room he's sleeping, something which varies depending upon the negative energy and where he perceives it to be worst.  I think it is fair to say that we are treading on eggshells and I fear raising the subject (if he would even talk to me, that is).

I probably need to have a closer look at any unspoken rules, though.  These will probably have built up over time and become less obvious to me but, as with all families, they will surely be there.  I wonder whether the things we say, however gentle, are contradicted by the weight of "energy" that has built up over the years?  this could prove very hard to undo.  There are also, no doubt, negative energies created by my husband's severe depression and my own reactions to a chronic physical illness.  These will be swirling around too and we couldn't pretend otherwise.  To be honest, I was hoping my son would be able to find more outside the home in order to dilute the effects of what's going on inside.  This looks increasingly unlikely, although we have made it clear that we would support him in whatever he wanted (i.e. with the proviso that it's safe, whatever takes his interest or gives him pleasure and not necessarily the conventional paths through life which, in our experience, have been grossly over-rated).