Struggling with niece with autism

Firstly the eye contact thing. This seems to be misunderstood a lot. The medical profession looks for gaze aversion (purposefully looking away, or downwards) but doesn't understand that, if you are constantly being told to look someone in the eye, or look at someone when you are talking, you tend to attempt to meet that requirement just to escape the nagging.

The trouble is appearing to make eye contact isn't the same as doing it. The purpose of eye contact is to convey to the other person you are genuine, can be trusted, and are paying attention. Non-autistic people seem to do this with ease, the right amount and the right way. But what people miss is that it isn't just about eye contact, it is about watching other people's facial expressions, head nods, gestures etc., which non-autistic people use to give an accent or qualification to what they are enunciating through speech. This performs what in texting is supported by emoticons or smilies.

People on the autistic spectrum cannot read the expressions and gestures properly, if indeed they see them (nor can they produce the right facial expressions and gestures), and they certainly cannot use eye contact productively, even if it might seem they do.

Most people on the spectrum (to the best of what I can gather - there isn't much published about this) look at anything but the eyes. Often they look at people's mouths, or their chin, throat, an ear. Speaking personally I invariably look at mouths, just as distracting and off putting and its not as if I can lip read.

The upshot is your niece is getting little feedback from facial expression and gestures (and not giving appropriate facial expressions back). She depends on speech and interpreting speech only, which leads to misunderstandings. So she 'looms' waiting for some sort of cue to speak, or for someone to speak to her.

Initiating conversation can be difficult, especially if regularly rebutted for raising inappropriate or contrary conversation,and not being in step. So she may well loom silently, being both lacking self confidence and lacking the usual feedback of how people are reacting to her.

Provided with a role, she may be much more communicative because she can work to familiar frameworks. The difficulty is likely to lie with casual informal socialisation where facial expression and gesture are so crucial.

This also affects gaining and retaining friends. If you cannot do the social interchanges properly and fit in you don't get accepted, and she may suffer exclusion for being different or not having enough in common to engage in the right way.

Being inclined to playing anthropologists with NTs, I discretely watch groups of people to better understand the dynamics. Young people are particularly good at visual effects - as you get older facial expression gets more restrained. I find it amazing how wide-eyed or gazy young people are when trying to interact with someone else. A huge amount of socialisation in teens and early twenties is largely visual rather than verbal. At twenty she hasn't a hope in such situations.

I have to be cautious therefore about encouraging or helping her to engage in social activity. It may just reinforce the isolation and the pain of frequent rejection and exclusion. I go along with other replies in encouraging to read round autism so you better understand the difficulties.

Expressing emotion is also very difficult for someone on the autistic spectrum, and bereavement particularly can be very difficult. If you don't have the social exchange facility to give or receive comfort, you end up locking it in not knowing how to express it. So this is a difficult subject but there is a lot written about it.

Firstly the eye contact thing. This seems to be misunderstood a lot. The medical profession looks for gaze aversion (purposefully looking away, or downwards) but doesn't understand that, if you are constantly being told to look someone in the eye, or look at someone when you are talking, you tend to attempt to meet that requirement just to escape the nagging.

The trouble is appearing to make eye contact isn't the same as doing it. The purpose of eye contact is to convey to the other person you are genuine, can be trusted, and are paying attention. Non-autistic people seem to do this with ease, the right amount and the right way. But what people miss is that it isn't just about eye contact, it is about watching other people's facial expressions, head nods, gestures etc., which non-autistic people use to give an accent or qualification to what they are enunciating through speech. This performs what in texting is supported by emoticons or smilies.

People on the autistic spectrum cannot read the expressions and gestures properly, if indeed they see them (nor can they produce the right facial expressions and gestures), and they certainly cannot use eye contact productively, even if it might seem they do.

Most people on the spectrum (to the best of what I can gather - there isn't much published about this) look at anything but the eyes. Often they look at people's mouths, or their chin, throat, an ear. Speaking personally I invariably look at mouths, just as distracting and off putting and its not as if I can lip read.

The upshot is your niece is getting little feedback from facial expression and gestures (and not giving appropriate facial expressions back). She depends on speech and interpreting speech only, which leads to misunderstandings. So she 'looms' waiting for some sort of cue to speak, or for someone to speak to her.

Initiating conversation can be difficult, especially if regularly rebutted for raising inappropriate or contrary conversation,and not being in step. So she may well loom silently, being both lacking self confidence and lacking the usual feedback of how people are reacting to her.

Provided with a role, she may be much more communicative because she can work to familiar frameworks. The difficulty is likely to lie with casual informal socialisation where facial expression and gesture are so crucial.

This also affects gaining and retaining friends. If you cannot do the social interchanges properly and fit in you don't get accepted, and she may suffer exclusion for being different or not having enough in common to engage in the right way.

Being inclined to playing anthropologists with NTs, I discretely watch groups of people to better understand the dynamics. Young people are particularly good at visual effects - as you get older facial expression gets more restrained. I find it amazing how wide-eyed or gazy young people are when trying to interact with someone else. A huge amount of socialisation in teens and early twenties is largely visual rather than verbal. At twenty she hasn't a hope in such situations.

I have to be cautious therefore about encouraging or helping her to engage in social activity. It may just reinforce the isolation and the pain of frequent rejection and exclusion. I go along with other replies in encouraging to read round autism so you better understand the difficulties.

Expressing emotion is also very difficult for someone on the autistic spectrum, and bereavement particularly can be very difficult. If you don't have the social exchange facility to give or receive comfort, you end up locking it in not knowing how to express it. So this is a difficult subject but there is a lot written about it.